There is a popular concept that seems to be circulating in the divorce community. It is called the “high-conflict couple” or “high-conflict divorce.” The thinking usually involves the belief that difficult, conflict-ridden custody battles after a divorce are due to both parents being a little crazy… or a lot crazy.
Michael Friedman wrote an article in the American Journal of Family Therapy to discuss this idea in more detail. He stated, “The concept has even entered what we might call popular family court wisdom: We say that Mother Teresa did not marry Attila the Hun or that it takes two to dance.” While there is some truth to the idea that who we marry reflects our emotional development, there is also a different, more complex flavor when one is drawn into the world of a narcissist.
For example, Mark and Marcie were married. They had two children. Mark was constantly emotionally abusing Marcie throughout the marriage, as were the children. He had no emotional attachment to the children, and they had no attachment to him. Marcie was the psychic parent and had always been. Then Marcie decided enough was enough and filed for divorce. Mark couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t imagine why she had abandoned him and ruined his life.
He wasn’t aware or cognizant of his bad behavior and felt entitled. He made excuses for everything and blamed others for his actions. He was the victim now and the abandonment issues had caused him problems. Mark was used to using others to get his own needs and he was upset that his manipulation was no longer working. He couldn’t take responsibility.
So Mark would never let Marcie off the hook. His way of regaining power now was to make a huge mess of the divorce and use the kids as pawns. Why use the kids? That’s what matters to Marcie. So the divorce became all about him. “These are my kids, this is my money, I want my time as a parent.” The mother and the kids say, What? He wasn’t involved before… he was bad with us… he usually ignores us… he doesn’t know us. What do we do now and what is this? (This example can occur in either gender.)
A common belief is that adults with children who divorce and continue to fight after the divorce must have major psychological problems. Who would do this to children? These are the cases where increased stress and post-parenting difficulties arise and often require family investigators and parent coordinators to determine parenting time.
But, enter the narcissist case. What if you married a narcissist who only cares about what’s best for him or her, rather than what’s in the best interests of the children? The narcissist makes unrealistic demands, is emotionally unattached to the children, and may be emotionally abusive or worse, but will fight to the end to get revenge or fight for his or her own needs. The fight may be economic, or more likely, what’s known as a narcissistic injury. This person will never get over or forget that you filed for divorce or abandoned him or her, and will continue to make life difficult for you and the children. What do you do? Most parents I’ve worked with over the years who have been married to a narcissist and are in the process of divorcing find themselves having to take a strong stand to protect their children. They find themselves having to participate in post-divorce evaluations and battles, and then risk being judged as just one of those “crazy, high-conflict” spouses. The danger here is that the best interests of the children may not be served if the narcissism at issue is not understood. Indeed, a narcissist can unilaterally cause serious conflict that sends the other parent into defensive mode to protect themselves and the children. Since emotional abuse is difficult to prove and is not taken seriously by the courts in most states, the war is ongoing in these cases where one parent is causing chaos and the other is just trying to defend and protect. But does this mean that both are psychologically disturbed in some way? Not always.
To be sure, if you marry and then divorce a narcissist, the narcissist will not forgive or forget. They do not move on easily. They cling to “how did he abandon me or did this to me” and the anger lingers for long periods, sometimes for years and years. The idea that one can handle an amicable divorce with a narcissist and reasonably remain, friends and co-parents, is not realistic with narcissists. They do things like excessively defame the other parent, resort to making up unfair and untrue claims, and do not want to support the children financially because it means they are somehow giving money to their ex-spouse. Their entitlement needs get in the way of dividing property and money fairly and ultimately they don’t think about what’s best for the child or children. They think about what’s best for them! “It’s my time to be a parent!” “You can’t have sporting events on my time!” “Your mom (or dad) is taking all my money.”
Because narcissists cannot empathize and be emotionally attuned to the needs of others, the emotional needs of children go unmet. Thriving in constant conflict is the narcissist’s way of staying connected and fighting for their rights rather than thinking about what’s best for the children. A lack of awareness of the children’s needs is often noted.
My concern is first for the children in these families, then for the spouse who married the narcissist who is also seen as a designer of conflict. Divorce professionals need to be continually educated on this issue. Without a deeper understanding, we miss the opportunity to help families going through the life-changing and emotionally traumatic experience of divorce. Narcissism is a disorder that wreaks havoc on these families. If that’s you, make sure your attorney is well-informed. Professionals will be needed to help with how to deal with a narcissistic parent. It is recommended that children attend therapy with a professional who understands the dynamics of narcissism and how it affects children. Some parenting plans will be needed that reflect a good understanding of narcissistic parenting.
Why one would marry a narcissist is a no-brainer. They can be charming, enticing, engaging, and easily put on a show in the beginning of relationships. They are out there for you to fall in love with. You will only know the reality as you get to know them better over a period of time. But if you decide to divorce, reach out for some specialized assistance! You and your kids are worth it.
