Celebrities, important political figures, and charming people who command the most social attention may seem to possess many of the traits of narcissists. They are convinced of their importance, either by themselves or by those they serve, and they enter a narcissistic bubble where their every whim is catered to and they are protected from the daily demands of life that the rest of us have to endure.
There is no need to make their dentist appointments, cook their meals, or even comb their hair. There is always someone around to do it for them. If you are a fan of HBO’s Veep, you know how ridiculous such situations can be. The fictional US vice president, brilliantly portrayed by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, is surrounded by a team of henchmen who blow a fan on her when she is warm, touch up her lipstick when it smudges, carry her bag if it gets too heavy, and tell her she is great even when she fails to deliver a miserable speech.
We might all like to imagine such a sheltered life, and the popularity of celebrity reality shows suggests that we not only imagine such a pampered life but also aspire to it. Among the people in our social circles, which may not include the world’s top celebrities, we may find ourselves drawn to people who exude self-confidence, a sense of style, and charisma. These individuals may or may not be narcissists, but their heightened sense of drama and charm may draw us in, at least temporarily, to their charm.
Psychologists who study narcissism know that beneath this veneer of social ease and high self-confidence may lie deep-seated feelings of insecurity. Narcissism theories suggest that there is a subtype known as “vulnerable” narcissists, whose self-importance and apparent self-confidence mask inner feelings of inadequacy. Vulnerable narcissists want nothing more than to be liked and accepted, and they become preoccupied with the possibility of rejection.
“Grandiosity” narcissists have a much higher opinion of themselves, believing that they are truly and truly great. However, their high self-esteem comes at a cost. To maintain this illusion of grandeur, they have to deny that there is anything wrong with them. They may be rejected by every romantic partner they have, but rather than acknowledge their contribution to their failed relationships, they become angry at the failures of those who rejected them.
True narcissists, whether grandiose or vulnerable, lack empathy. As a result, their relationships are doomed to suffer. Because they can never see the world through the eyes of another person, including their closest romantic partners, they cannot connect emotionally. This lack of empathy almost guarantees that they will never receive social support. Narcissists push people away because of their inability to see the world as others do. With each failed relationship, they have to work harder and harder to maintain their inflated views of their grandeur. The contradictory needs of narcissists involve, on the one hand, the desire to be liked or admired by others, or at least to be supported by others. Against this set of needs is an equally powerful set of desires to see the world from their perspective. Whether they are incapable of empathy or simply prefer not to care about other people’s feelings, the result is the same. Narcissists are alienated at the same time that they seek recognition and support from those in their social network.
In addition to lacking empathy, people high in narcissism also tend to be hostile. Studies of personality traits associated with narcissism show that the most narcissistic among us are suspicious, manipulative, and aggressive, as well as lacking in humility. These traits only add to their inability to understand the emotional states of those closest to them.
In an April 2014 study, University of Georgia psychologist Joanna Lamkin and her colleagues asked college students to rate themselves on grandiose and vulnerable narcissistic traits and also asked them to rate how much they liked people in their social networks. As expected, people high in narcissism viewed people in their networks (called their “surrogates”) with disdain. For example, they rated their surrogates as low in kindness, love, and friendliness. Lamkin and her colleagues suggested that this finding reflects a form of projection. We tend to evaluate others in ways similar to the ways we evaluate ourselves. If you think you’re a nice person, you’ll see others in your world as nice, too.
But for people who are high in narcissism, it’s precisely because they are hostile to others that they are most likely to be treated badly. Think back to the character of “Vice President” (even if you’ve never seen the show), a woman who constantly belittles the people who work for her and even the people she wants to vote for. In real life, her constant demands for attention and care make narcissists test the love of even their most patient and loyal friends.
Returning to the study by Lamkin et al., there were some differences between vulnerable narcissists and grandiose narcissists. People high in grandiose narcissism, unlike their less narcissistic peers, were just as critical of people close to them in their social network as they were of their distant friends and relatives. It didn’t matter whether they valued their best friends or distant acquaintances. In contrast, people with the grandiose form of narcissism were kinder to those close to them than to those farther away. The arrogance of grandiose narcissists makes it impossible for them to see anyone with positive qualities, even those they should care about the most.
If you know someone you consider to be a true narcissist, especially one of the grandiose variety, the message to take away is that if this person is someone you plan to spend time with, you need to shore up your defenses. It would be easy to fall a notch or two (or more) because of the person’s constant comparisons between your inferior nature and your “star” qualities. And because narcissists see the world through a highly distorted lens of seeing others as narcissists, they are likely to make you feel like you’re the one who’s selfish and arrogant.
On the other hand, if you’re the cause of someone else’s unhappiness, it can be difficult to spot the narcissism in yourself. It takes a great deal of self-insight to be able to come to an honest assessment that your selfishness is causing your relationships to end. The defenses that protect your low self-esteem are there for a reason. Combining increased experience in relationships with a willingness to turn the critical mirror on yourself—at least once in a while—can go a long way toward overcoming the paradox created by your narcissistic needs.
