Key Points
Narcissists need external validation to maintain their self-esteem, which leads them to exaggerate their desirable qualities.
There is a big difference between how narcissists behave during courtship and how they behave later in the relationship.
The difference between narcissists’ earlier and later behavior has given rise to the myth that narcissists create fake masks to fool people.
Many urban legends are circulating on the internet about people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Most of them are well-intentioned attempts by people with no mental health qualifications to understand and explain how narcissists can be so loving at the beginning of a relationship and then suddenly turn off all the good feelings and become abusive.
WhatIsTheNarcissisticMaskMyth?
The urban legend I am writing about today is the NarcissisticMaskMyth. This is the idea that all narcissists are predators who deliberately and carefully create a “mask” to hide their evil intentions. This myth involves the idea that once you take off the narcissist’s mask, they will leave you.
Sorry to be so blunt, but this idea is not true. The average person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not Machiavellian enough to deliberately design a false persona to deceive the rest of us. There are no special narcissistic masks in my experience. At most, you will see an exaggerated, overly confident facade designed to hide the narcissist’s insecurities.
Note: I use the terms narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, and narcissistic as a shorthand way to describe people whose issues meet the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Rather than thinking of “convincing” versus “unconvincing,” it’s more accurate to say that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder may have a good demeanor or be having an unusually good day and seem nice and normal. At other times, they feel insecure and act arrogant or contemptuous of others. Sometimes, they get emotional and angry. When they get emotional, it’s easy to see that they’re not normal because they:
Overreact to a situation.
Become abusive and belittle others.
They may yell mean things.
Blame you or someone else instead of taking responsibility for their mistakes.
They make threats.
Many of my clients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder do this almost every day, while others can endure for months. After they explode and become abusive, it is usually counterproductive to confront them directly about their bad behavior. If you confront them, they will attack you. The attack is not to “out them” but to criticize you.
Do they then leave and never return?
Everyone is different. Many of my narcissistic clients feel embarrassed after the fact about their out-of-control behavior. They know they have crossed a line. If they feel like you won’t let them pretend it never happened, the fight will continue. They will try to find a way to justify their behavior, usually by blaming you. “If you didn’t do or say such and such, I wouldn’t act the way you did. ‘It’s all your fault and you owe me an apology.’”
If you’re married, they won’t leave you suddenly, and they won’t ever come back. The usual response is to make you their enemy and do things to punish you. What they do depends on their personality and how vindictive they are. Some will stay angry for days, others will wake up cheerful the next morning and act like nothing happened.
If you let it all fall through and don’t throw it in their face, things will eventually return to what is considered normal in your home.
I’m not suggesting that you ignore their bad behavior. I’m just anticipating the possible outcomes. For example, if you’re dating, this fight might cause them to leave the relationship. Again, it’s not about “revealing the truth,” it’s about having a fight and the person thinking it’s easier to walk away than to apologize or try to fix things.
Why do people say narcissists never leave you?
There are all sorts of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Some are happy to date lots of people or have casual relationships, while others want a long-term, monogamous relationship. Many narcissists are what I call “recyclers.” They leave you after a fight when they get bored, or because they find someone else more attractive. If they move on to someone else, that relationship is unlikely to work out either. They move on again. Some reconnect with exes when there’s no one new in the picture.
The idea that narcissists never leave you is somewhat overblown. To say it this way overstates the narcissist’s power over you. Yes, some narcissists try to reconnect with their exes, but so do all sorts of other people who find themselves alone.
What is vacuuming?
One night, your narcissistic ex is sitting alone, lustful, and bored. They start reviewing people they can hook up with for romantic time or late-night sex. You’re the one who comes to mind. That’s when you get a cute late-night text — or a “hi.” If you respond, they’ll come over for late-night sex, or try to get you to come over to their place.
If you don’t seize the opportunity, some narcissists become more interested in you. They start flirting with you again. If they enjoy the challenge, their boredom subsides, and they may try to resume their relationship with you. If you still resist, they may up their game and go to ridiculous lengths to try to lure you back into a relationship. This is called “luring.”
Summary
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder suffer from shaky self-esteem. Some hide their feelings of inadequacy behind a posh facade. This isn’t a carefully crafted “mask.” It’s more like an instinctive attempt to present themselves in a way they feel will impress them and get them what they want. Eventually, you’ll see the narcissist’s flaws. If you confront him, he will try to turn things around and devalue you. It’s that simple and not particularly mysterious. We’re not dealing with the “Phantom of the Opera” who had a mask and something to hide.
