Key Points
Narcissists often play on the sly; they are unlikely to attack someone when others are watching.
Narcissists are experts at blaming others.
In narcissistic relationships, boundaries and limitations are seen as a mistake.
It may come as a surprise to learn that narcissists are incredibly intuitive. They can often see what motivates people, what their fears are, and where their vulnerabilities lie. The idea that a narcissist is somehow evil and easily identifiable is a misconception that prevents many individuals from recognizing narcissism when it is right in front of them. Narcissists often share some common strategies that enable them to use, manipulate, and destroy others.
Narcissists often wear a believable exterior. They have been wronged in the past and are happy to tell you about it. Their perceived pain from past experiences can feel very real. These aren’t just walking around barely able to function: skilled narcissists often appear generous, open, very interested in others’ feelings, and adept at blending into their environments.
Like animals who have developed camouflage techniques to hide in certain areas, narcissists have developed specific ways of presenting themselves to cover up their true nature. If narcissists walked around with an identity badge on their chest, their victim pool would shrink dramatically, leaving them with very few people to use to meet their needs.
Learn Narcissists’ Techniques to Save Yourself from Heartbreak in the Long Run
Since narcissists prefer to operate covertly rather than share their true intentions, you must be able to recognize some of their most common strategies to avoid getting involved in a relationship with them. While it’s always difficult to extricate yourself from a narcissistic relationship, the longer you’re in it, the more challenging it becomes. Paying close attention to their preferred techniques for manipulating others can go a long way toward preventing their success.
Narcissists may be overly focused on status. Recent research suggests that narcissistic admiration—the belief that one is special combined with a desire to charm others—plays a key role in understanding how narcissists operate. Narcissists who desire status, because they want to be seen as unique among others, are more likely to experience somewhat positive outcomes in terms of self-esteem, while narcissists who focus more on the inferiority of others are more likely to experience detrimental outcomes in terms of self-esteem.
Because status is so important to narcissists, narcissistic individuals who desire to charm others can often use this as a motivation to gain prestige. Their behaviors will appear more attractive than narcissists who focus solely on gaining status to prove that others are “less than them,” making them less harmful and harder to identify.
The differences in how a narcissist’s self-esteem is affected by the motivation behind their status-seeking speak to how individuals who try to avoid narcissistic relationships may learn to recognize the more subtle red flags early in interactions.
Narcissists are subtle. They are less likely to attack someone when others are watching, and they often act with excessive care and consideration toward their victims when they are in public. Reputation is key here, and narcissistic individuals want to be seen as “the best” at everything—the best in every relationship, the best in their career, the best at putting others’ needs before their own… the list goes on.
A narcissist will always start by taking advantage of others in a subtle way. Maybe they’ve had a terrible month, or they’ve been traumatized by someone’s mistreatment of them, or there’s some other very important reason why they need you to act a certain way—and somehow, it all makes sense when they ask. Remember, narcissists have excellent communication skills, so they’re able to pick up on others’ disbelief, and they’re more than capable of subtly adjusting their statements and requests according to the responses they get.
This subtlety makes identifying a narcissist’s behavior extremely difficult. They won’t tell you outright that you mean nothing to them, but they will quietly and subversively attack your reputation, play the victim to others about how you’ve treated them, and pretend to be shocked that anyone would believe or accuse them of anything other than purely altruistic motives.
Narcissists are experts at shifting blame. Narcissistic individuals have been wronged by someone else. This usually happens in an intimate or familial relationship. They’ve been mistreated, ignored, and taken advantage of—and when pressed, they’ll sometimes admit to a superficial mistake on their part that could have contributed to the situation, but they rarely go beyond this possessiveness.
Narcissists only get hurt when they don’t get what they want—and they’ll work very hard to get it, completely. There’s no middle ground. If you don’t give in to whatever the narcissist wants from you, you’ll quickly see them blaming you for everything that goes wrong in their life. Sometimes this blame seems justified to the victims, and other times it is exaggerated.
Whether justified or not, blaming a narcissist is different from taking responsibility in a healthy relationship. This blame is all-encompassing: You must admit that you were wrong, you must be willing to make amends (over and over) for as long as they want, and you must give in to their demands in the future because you wronged them. It’s a simple equation, but when victims experience it one little piece at a time, it can be very difficult to recognize.
Narcissists wage highly successful smear campaigns. When the narcissist gets what they want from you, the relationship can be wonderful. They will go to great lengths to prove how perfect the interactions are, and “love bombing” is a tool that will be used in all types of narcissistic relationships—not just intimate ones. But once victims take a stand and say “no” to further abuse, they should be prepared for a serious smear campaign.
Narcissists thrive on their reputation, so they should be avoided at all costs as manipulators. One of the best strategies they use to shift the focus away from their behavior and onto others is to loudly proclaim their victims’ wrongdoings to anyone who will listen.
Narcissists often have a hard time stopping their smear campaigns. They will share them with the least expected people—mutual friends, acquaintances, and even family members of the victims—in an attempt to gain support. Their goal is to destroy their victim’s credibility so completely that the victim’s only option is to return to the narcissist to regain his or her standing. Smear campaigns give narcissists immense power and control.
Boundaries are a dirty word for narcissists. In healthy relationships, everyone has boundaries that must be spoken about and respected. In narcissistic relationships, boundaries are seen as wrong. Boundaries will only hinder the manipulative person’s ability to take advantage of others, and narcissists will work around the clock to teach their victims that setting boundaries is pointless.
Relationships that don’t allow for individuality or frown upon expressing disagreement should be a red flag. Narcissists will try to set a standard for no boundaries from the beginning of the relationship. They will test the waters with small issues at first, and depending on their success, they will adjust their strategies or move to larger boundaries. One of their most commonly used techniques is to remind victims of everything they have done to them—which in their minds is the equivalent of chips in the bank giving them a blank check to do whatever they want to their victims in the future.
Narcissists want to show their victims who is in control, and violating even the smallest boundary will accomplish that. They will create opportunities to cross the line at every turn, and if victims bring up violations, narcissists will easily dismiss them as minor issues that shouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. However, every violation of boundaries is critical to pay attention to—it will eventually add up and lead to harmful behaviors.
Awareness is the first step
A narcissist never gives anything away for free, whether it’s a gift, time, or their thoughts and feelings—there is always a cost, and the cost usually accumulates over time to become enormous and devastating. Their toolbox seems endless, as they constantly adjust strategies based on what works and what doesn’t.
For individuals who want to avoid falling into the trap of narcissistic relationships, staying aware of the many common manipulation strategies is crucial. Awareness, if cultivated, will eventually lead to a determination to stand up for yourself and escape these abusive and destructive relationships.
