Narcissists (people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and codependents are often viewed as opposites, but surprisingly, although their outward behavior may differ, they share many psychological traits. In fact, narcissists exhibit core symptoms of codependents such as shame, denial, control, (unconscious) dependency, poor communication, and boundaries, all of which lead to problems in intimate relationships. One study showed a significant association between narcissism and codependents.[i] Although most narcissists could be classified as codependents, the reverse is not true—most codependents are not narcissists. They do not exhibit the common traits of exploitation, entitlement, and lack of empathy.
codependent
Codependents are a “lost self” disorder. Codependents have lost their connection to their innate selves. Instead, their thinking and behavior revolve around a person, substance, or process. Narcissists also suffer from a lack of connection to their true selves. Instead, they identify with their idealized selves. Their internal deprivation and lack of connection to their true selves makes them dependent on others for validation. Thus, like other codependents, their self-image, thinking, and behavior are directed toward others in order to stabilize and validate their self-esteem and fragile ego.
Ironically, despite their high self-esteem, narcissists crave recognition from others and have an insatiable need to be admired—to get their “narcissistic supply.” This makes them as dependent on the esteem of others as an addict is on their addiction.
Shame
Shame is at the core of codependency and addiction. It stems from growing up in a dysfunctional family. Narcissists’ inflated self-esteem is often confused with self-love. However, their exaggerated self-adulation and arrogance only serve to alleviate the unconscious internal shame common among codependents.
Children develop different ways of coping with the anxiety, insecurity, and hostility they experience growing up in dysfunctional families. This can result in an internalized sense of shame despite the parents’ good intentions and lack of overt abuse. To feel secure, children adopt coping patterns that lead to the emergence of an ideal self. One strategy is to internalize others and seek their love, affection, and approval. Another strategy is to seek recognition and control over others. Typical dependents fall into the first category, and narcissists fall into the second. They seek power and control over their environment in order to meet their needs. Their pursuit of prestige, superiority, and authority helps them avoid feelings of inferiority, weakness, neediness, and helplessness at all costs.
These ideals are normal human needs; however, for dependents and narcissists, they are compulsive and therefore neurotic. In addition, the further we seek our ideal self, the further we move away from our true self, which only increases insecurity, false self, and feelings of shame.
Denial
Denial is a key symptom of codependency. Codependents often deny their own interdependence and often deny their own feelings and many of their needs. Similarly, narcissists deny their own feelings, especially those that express weakness. They do not acknowledge feelings of inadequacy, even to themselves. They disown feelings they consider “weak,” such as longing, sadness, loneliness, shame, helplessness, guilt, fear, and other such feelings, often projecting them onto others. Anger makes them feel powerful. Rage, arrogance, envy, and contempt are defenses against underlying shame.
Codependents deny their own needs, especially emotional needs, which were neglected or shamed during their upbringing. Some codependents act as if they are self-sufficient and put the needs of others first. Others demand that other codependents meet their needs. Narcissists also deny emotional needs. They will not admit that they are demanding and needy because having needs makes them feel dependent and weak. Instead, they judge others as weak and needy. They are repelled by the very feelings they deny in themselves.
Although narcissists do not typically put the needs of others first, some narcissists are actually people-pleasers and can be very generous. In addition to securing the attachment of those they are dependent on, their motivation is often recognition or a sense of superiority or grandiosity by virtue of being able to help people they consider inferior. Like other codependents, they may feel exploited and resentful toward the people who help them.
Many narcissists hide behind a facade of self-sufficiency and isolation when it comes to their needs for emotional closeness, support, grief, care, and intimacy. Their quest for power protects them from experiencing the humiliation of feeling weak, sad, afraid, or wanting or needing anyone—ultimately, to avoid rejection and shame. Only the threat of abandonment reveals how dependent they really are.
DysfunctionalBoundaries
Like other codependents, narcissists have unhealthy boundaries because their boundaries were not respected during their upbringing. They do not experience other people as separate but as extensions of themselves. As a result, they project thoughts and feelings onto others, blaming them for their own shortcomings and mistakes, all of which they cannot tolerate in themselves. Additionally, the lack of boundaries makes them thin-skinned, irritable, defensive, and taking things personally.
Most codependents share patterns of blaming, irritability, defensiveness, and taking things personally. The behavior and degree or direction of feelings may vary, but the basic process is the same. For example, many codependents react with self-criticism, self-blame, or withdrawal, while others react with aggression or criticism and blame someone else. However, both behaviors are responses to shame and demonstrate dysfunctional boundaries. (In some cases, confrontation or withdrawal may be an appropriate response, but not if it is a habitual compulsive response.)
Bad Communication
Like other codependents, narcissists have poor communication. They generally lack assertiveness skills. Their communication often consists of criticism, demands, labeling, and other forms of verbal abuse. On the other hand, some narcissists tend to be artificial, vague, and indirect. Like other codependents, they have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings clearly. Although they may express their opinions and take their positions more easily than other codependents, they often have difficulty listening and are rigid and inflexible. These are signs of poor communication that indicate insecurity and lack of respect for the other person.
Control
Like other codependents, narcissists seek control. Controlling our environment helps us feel safe. The more anxious and insecure we are, the more we need control. When we depend on others for our security, happiness, and self-worth, what people think, say, and do becomes extremely important to our sense of well-being and even security. We will try to control them directly or indirectly through people-pleasing, lies, or manipulation. If we are afraid or ashamed of our own emotions, such as anger or sadness, we try to control our own. Other people’s anger or sadness will upset us, so we must avoid or control them as well.
Intimacy
Finally, the combination of all of these patterns makes intimacy difficult for both narcissists and codependents. Relationships cannot thrive without clear boundaries that provide both partners with freedom and respect. They require being independent, having assertive communication skills, and respecting one another.
