The essence of narcissism is an inflated sense of self-worth coupled with a deep desire for admiration from others and fantasies about that admiration. As such, narcissists view relationships primarily as opportunities for self-enhancement, surrounding themselves with potential admirers while avoiding or rejecting those who are seen as critical or unappreciative. Attracting, recruiting, and retaining the attention of others is a never-ending endeavor for the narcissist, requiring a great deal of energy and effort.

If you find yourself in the orbit of a narcissist, it helps to be aware of their favorite manipulation techniques. Most of us assume that relationships are mutual; that people form relationships based on mutual interest and genuine care. Narcissists turn this naivety against you by presenting themselves, at least initially, as attentive and concerned with your needs. Over time, their efforts to manipulate your emotions and behavior escalate, but they can be difficult to spot because the essence of manipulation is deception.

In his famous work The Prince, published posthumously in 1532, philosopher and author Niccolò Machiavelli outlined the practical uses of force, deception, false flattery, and other unscrupulous means by which rulers exercise political power. His observations on the darker sides of human nature, along with strategies for exploiting others, remain relevant today. Personality psychologists have coined the term “Machiavellianism” to apply to the often subtle and subtle techniques that narcissists (as well as psychopaths—people who carelessly defy social norms) use to control others while elevating their status, power, or reputation. Here are some common manipulative tactics used by narcissists:

BlameYou

Shame is a curse on narcissists. The emotion of shame is a familiar and unpleasant feeling characterized by a general and depressing sense of inadequacy, weakness, or badness. Blame can be seen as a way to assign responsibility for what is “wrong.” In their struggle to keep shame at bay, narcissists are busy externalizing the blame.

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Narcissists will ask you to accept and confirm their self-enhancing narratives about what happened in any situation, who did what to whom, and who is responsible for any misfortune. The narcissist will inevitably blame others for their actions or shortcomings, putting you in the role of passive cheerleader. Worse still, you will gradually find yourself among the blamers. Trying to defend yourself against irrational accusations will backfire; your attempts to defend yourself will be seen as a cruel betrayal, leading to angry attacks.

Subtle or overt self-deprecation

The narcissist’s inflated sense of self requires you to get used to occupying a lower role in the relationship. The narcissist’s condescending treatment may be overt and rude or more subtle, but the message will be that you lack the important qualities that the narcissist claims to possess. If you fail to accept your role as a grateful submissive relative, you may be met with outbursts of anger or punitive silence.

Playing on your capacity to feel guilty

Guilt is different from shame. Shame involves a focus on a global sense of self, while guilt is an emotion felt because of regret for actions that have harmed another person. The narcissistic personality is relatively immune to experiencing true guilt. Experiencing true guilt requires the ability to acknowledge wrongdoing and focus on the effects of our actions on another person. These qualities are generally lacking in narcissism.

While narcissists do not feel true guilt, they are aware that others do, providing another tool for manipulation. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, attempts to assert your own needs or values ​​may lead to complaints or accusations calculated to play on your guilt. You will feel that your (very reasonable) actions are causing the narcissist tremendous pain. One sign that you are in a toxic relationship with a narcissist is feeling that you continue to call out of a sense of guilt obligation rather than your own free will.

Bullying and Invalidation

One of the most painful results of being manipulated by a narcissist is feeling that your own needs, opinions, and preferences are not being heard. The narcissist has difficulty seeing you as an individual separate from the adoring disciple his or her fantasies demand. Over time, the psychological manipulation as well as the pressure to adopt the narcissist’s worldview will take its toll on you. For example, children raised by narcissistic parents react to this chronic treatment by questioning the validity of their own experiences. As adults, they may develop low self-esteem and feelings of anger submerged under a confusing veil of guilt over perceived betrayal.

Resisting Manipulation

Clients often compare the experience of breaking up with a narcissistic relationship to that of leaving a religious cult. Setting and sticking to firm boundaries is the priority. What you ultimately decide to do will depend on the context and circumstances of your relationship with the narcissist, including the narcissist’s willingness to accommodate any changes. It may be possible to negotiate boundaries or restrictions that keep you safe while maintaining a mutually rewarding relationship. I generally advise against cutting off close family members if possible. Instead, limit contact while setting and observing firm boundaries regarding behavior and mutual expectations. Managing romantic relationships with a narcissist may require you to participate in therapy. Safety is paramount. Physical safety is essential, especially if children are involved. Breaking up with a narcissistic partner can generate narcissistic rage, which can be dangerous to confront without effective support.