Key Points
Many failed narcissists suffer from poor self-esteem and a desperate need for external validation.
You don’t have to have a narcissistic personality to share traits that can hurt you.
Sometimes failure in the narcissistic project can be used to heal.
BeCompassionate.
When we use the word “narcissist,” the term is often met with disdain. Perhaps because people with NPD often look down on others and people respond in kind.
However, I want to offer a call for enlightened compassion. Yes, people with narcissistic personality disorder can be manipulative, overreact, and angry when disappointed. They can be charming as long as it serves their purposes. People can be hurt in their wake.
When narcissists fail, it’s a critical moment for them and those around them. The failed narcissist deserves attention because we want to distance ourselves from people like them, and ironically, this can be an opportunity for real growth.
The core issue is self-esteem.
Poor Self-Esteem
Narcissists can become disturbed and demand that others adjust themselves to make themselves feel better. In other words, when a narcissist is unhappy, they know how to spread it—and they find some comfort in doing so.
Don’t kid yourself, though. There is real suffering here. The narcissist is internally unstable. They struggle with the same issues of meaning and self-esteem that many of us do, and they react by bloating, hoarding money, power, and things, seeking vain reassurance, or lashing out when they feel down.
Too much energy. Too much hurt. Too much inner angst. Paradoxically low self-esteem in someone who claims to be so special. Too little awareness.
When Failure Strikes Us
This leads us to the Failed Narcissist. Some narcissists fail—and that fall from grace hurts. Even those who don’t have a disorder, just people with some narcissistic traits, can fall under the guise of a Failed Narcissist.
You don’t want to be around a narcissist who’s a failure. Lots of pain. Bitterness. Lots of blame.
Here’s how it works. We all have an idealized version of ourselves. An ego ideal. A sense of what we want in this world if things go well. This is normal. Something we strive for but don’t always achieve.
We all have different kinds of goals. For most people, these goals are relatively modest. Love. A stable job. Good friends. A healthy family. Or the equivalent.
A person is not necessarily a narcissist if they have an ideal of great achievement. Ambition is a perfectly good thing. We call it healthy narcissism; a dignified investment in one’s effectiveness, internally or externally.
People with narcissistic disorders or traits understand ambition; as an ego ideal of some great achievement. Money. Appearance. The experience of being the center of attention. Fame. Popularity. Influence. It’s psychologically intoxicating.
While normal ambitious people embrace the outrageous arrows of fortune, those with narcissistic traits are unable to do so.
Some people achieve greatness in one way or another. For ordinary people, it might happen through some inner talent: a smart businessman, a skilled musician, a mathematician, a gifted clothing designer—the extraordinary politician, who seeks to make a difference as a core value.
In general, healthy people avoid over-identifying with admiration. It’s nice. But they’re there because they love what they do. If it falls apart, it’s been a good ride; not everything goes right all the time.
Some narcissists achieve these things while simultaneously living an anxious inner existence. They need to cling to what they have, not for internal reasons, but because of a desperate need for external validation.
They over-identify with the image rather than the role.
FalseRage
Most humans fail to achieve the great, important, financial, or influential roles they might have hoped for. Ambition, after all, is only one aspect of life, and perhaps not of fundamental importance.
The vast majority of us fail to achieve some greatness and acknowledge it as part of our life journey. I believe that true greatness is internal, not external. This is something that narcissists have a hard time understanding.
The failed narcissist, on the other hand, is filled with bitterness; a preoccupation with the fact that things are unfair. They sneer at the world that has denied them, not because of some vision of a better society, but because of some deep personal hurt and disappointment.
People with narcissistic issues have a big problem. Their self-esteem is strongly tied to external factors such as success, money, appearance, or influence.
When things don’t go well, failed narcissists don’t have the internal resources ready to soothe themselves. Instead, they lash out, feeling that their internal injury can be fixed by resolving the “injustice” externally. It’s not a very successful equation.
Since disappointment comes from a failure to manage self-esteem, there is no easy solution.
For the failed narcissist, it all boils down to external displays. It takes healthy self-respect to see your role in things that don’t go right; or that life throws at us unfair challenges. If one’s disappointments are exclusively external, what does a failed narcissist have but anger?
Don’t get me wrong, there is often something legitimate to be upset about. But it happens to many people in life: a marriage falls apart, a business partner cheats on us, and honor goes to someone else who feels wronged. Life’s injuries are endless.
Responses to Hurt
If you have some of these symptoms, you are not necessarily a narcissist.
You may simply be bitter. Angry. A victim. You may have been treated unfairly. I am truly sorry and I wish you healing.
Sometimes, healing is about righting a wrong, like standing up to an impossible ex or taking a political stand. There are times when we need to face the outside world.
However, healing is always internal as well, as we accept that much of life is not going right and that life is a work in progress—and still a blessing.
In addition, we now have excellent treatments for the psychological injuries that plague us. Psychotherapy. Eye Movement Reprocessing and Stimulation. Somatic Experiments. Psychoanalysis. Internal Family Systems. And more.
You can heal. Sometimes by taking steps in the external world, but always by working within as well.
Just know that those on the narcissistic spectrum have the same pain and disappointment that we all do, but for them, it is magnified by an inability to heal from within, to get to a place of wisdom that understands that all is not well on this journey, and to take steps, when necessary, to change the world, while at the same time working on themselves to gain balance and wisdom.
The narcissist is too focused on external validation to work through the disappointments holistically. They are lost in the hurt, the fantasies of revenge, and the plans to get back at those who have wronged them—while still using others instead of growing. It’s a terrible place to be.
Conclusion
You may be surprised, but we’re going to end our conversation on a positive note, with good news. The failed narcissist can be the first step toward recovery.
It will take years of good therapy. The goal is to own the instability of self-esteem and to find a healthy self-love that does not depend on the validation of others or a sense of superiority to feel good enough. Often there is a need to overcome the trauma.
Eventually, the failed narcissist, with the right therapy, can find new vitality in caring for people, not as objects of a project, but as interesting souls on a mutual journey of life.
This therapy requires developing trust in an excellent therapist. These patients must own the confusion of the wounded self and work through their injuries while recognizing how they hurt others.
