One of the most important traits of a morally responsible, mentally healthy individual is their ability to take responsibility for their actions and feelings. This is how we grow and learn from our mistakes as well as live life according to our value system. Most people know right from wrong and are taught this from a very young age. But why is it that some people have a hard time confronting mistakes and their feelings, correcting them, and apologizing?
The problem of accountability is one of the hallmarks of Narcissistic Personality Disorder or even someone with a high number of narcissistic traits. Not only do narcissists lack the ability to give and have real empathy, they constantly blame others for their mistakes and feelings and have a strange way of turning things around and making it someone else’s problem. You’re the crazy one, not them. You’re the wrong one, not them. If you show them clear evidence of something they did, they’ll deny it or say they don’t remember it. They’ll say you got it wrong and rewrite the narrative to what they meant. In the process, they don’t admit anything about it. You just made a mistake.
Why do they do this? Narcissists, despite their grandiosity, are self-loathing, weak people who do not have a strong sense of self to fall back on. They are walking on shaky, hesitant ground. While admitting a mistake and taking responsibility for making something better feels good, the narcissist is not grounded and does not have the self-confidence to do so. If they can project the feeling or mistake onto someone else, it makes them feel more secure. If they are caught in their mistakes and there is no way out of it, the narcissist cannot deal with the vulnerability that this creates. This is where we see what is called “narcissistic rage.”
The purpose of rage and anger is to push you away and force you to stop accusing them. The purpose is to make you doubt yourself. It is a power and control move that makes you afraid to confront them again. This is why many people who deal with narcissists in their lives use the phrase “It’s like walking on eggshells all the time.” Dealing with a narcissist is dealing with a bully. They strike hard to try to save themselves or their credibility. They use name-calling, ridiculing, insulting, judging, and criticizing others as a natural defense. The narcissist is too insecure to do otherwise.
What harm does this bizarre lack of accountability do? It destroys relationships, trust, love, and families, and hurts people. Emotional manipulation causes others to doubt themselves and experience self-doubt. Imagine if a young child grew up with this type of parent. They would grow up with debilitating self-doubt. What if our leaders at work or in government did this? It creates intense anxiety, chaos, and insecurity about our surroundings and makes us feel insecure, untrustworthy, and hypervigilant.
Do we all have moments in our lives where we make mistakes and don’t admit them? Of course, we can all make them. However, emotionally healthy people work on accountability and teach accountability to their children. It’s a huge character-building lesson in life, and perhaps the most important one.
