Key Points

Narcissists will lie, cheat, or steal if that’s what it takes to keep others engaged.

Many narcissists can keep their worst narcissistic tendencies out of sight while forming relationships.

Narcissists may be willing to raise another person as long as the payback is a dose of narcissistic supply.

Everyone loves to have a good time, and narcissists are more than adept at turning any event into a party or celebration if the focus of attention includes the narcissists themselves. They crave the spotlight and the perks of success more than they need healthy relationships, intimacy, or love. The tragic side of narcissism is that they are completely dependent on others to nurture their sense of self, yet they are bereft of any ability to give back to others in any meaningful way. Narcissists exhibit a twisted sense of attachment and are incapable of developing truly reciprocal or authentic relationships. They are driven by their need for narcissistic supply.

What is Narcissistic Supply?

Narcissists have been compared to addicts in that both groups are driven to great lengths to get their fix. In the case of addicts, whether it is an addiction to drugs or alcohol, their goal is to ensure a steady supply of their substance. For narcissists, their “substance” is attention and admiration from others. Narcissists will go to great lengths to gain the attention of others and will lie, cheat, or steal if that’s what it takes to keep others’ eyes on them and their grandiose fantasies of grandeur intact. Any attention, even negative attention, is better than no attention to narcissists. Being talked about and known feeds the narcissist’s desire for supply. It has been suggested that there are two types of narcissistic supply, primary and secondary (Vaknin, 2018). Primary supply is described as the attention that arrives randomly in life, such as positive exchanges with casual friends, people in stores or coffee shops who may receive generous tips that are offered as evidence of the narcissist’s generosity or success, kind words from coworkers, or “likes” on social media. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, such as a parent or romantic partner, you are a provider of a secondary narcissistic supply. You support the narcissist in his or her efforts to be seen as successful in the ways that are most important to the narcissist. You may feed his or her need to be seen as a “happily married individual,” if you take on the role of partner and provide him or her with a relationship that fulfills his or her need to be seen in this way. Narcissists typically settle into monogamous relationships only if their partner can keep the narcissistic supply flowing freely. Partners are often seen as “trophies” and evidence of the narcissist’s ability to “win” an attractive or successful partner. Children are also viewed as objects and are raised to subordinate their independence to provide for the needs of their narcissistic parents.

Narcissists Can Hide in Plain Sight

What confuses many people is that narcissists can keep their worst narcissistic tendencies hidden from view while forming relationships. It is only when relationships are solidified that the worst traits of narcissism are revealed. Like addicts, narcissists develop sharp skills in accessing their treatment; unfortunately, narcissists use their sharp relationship skills to manipulate others rather than build healthy relationships. Narcissists are also similar to career addicts—they can excel in their careers, be fun to be around, and make people around them feel like the narcissist cares about them. They may go out of their way to be the “perfect partner,” the “perfect parent,” or the “perfect boss.” These roles are designed to generate the narcissistic supply they demand. It may be great to have the “fun parent” until the “fun parent” isn’t as fun anymore because the child grows into an independent person or the child loses interest in the sport or activity that generated the narcissistic supply. The same goes for romantic relationships—as long as their partner is generating their narcissistic supply in plentiful doses, the narcissist enjoys being in the relationship. But when their partner is no longer changeable, attractive, or seen as a positive addition to their fantasy self-image, the narcissist loses interest in meeting the other’s needs.

Narcissists Can Change Over the Lifespan

As narcissists age, it can be harder to meet their need for narcissistic supply, because they may have pushed away the people they relied on when they were younger. For those with non-clinical narcissism, their need for adulation and attention may decrease somewhat, but they may still seek out environments where they can flaunt their ego and brag about past successes and accomplishments. They may even live longer than less narcissistic individuals because of the drive to stay socially engaged. But not everyone can wait to see if the desire for narcissistic supply will diminish over time.

Exit or Acceptance?

If you feel that your partner is investing in your happiness only to buy your complicity and fill their narcissistic supply, invite them to an honest discussion of your observations and concerns. Narcissists who fear losing their supply may respond with angry denials of any deliberate wrongdoing, try to convince you that your perspective is wrong, or even respond with promises to “be better” and “try harder.” Narcissists often fear losing the supply you provide them, but they are unable to be the willing partner to provide the authenticity or intimacy that their partner needs. Just as an addict becomes increasingly desperate as their fix becomes harder to get, narcissists who fear losing access to their narcissistic supply can become desperate and dangerous. Be careful if you are exiting a relationship with a narcissist and be prepared to maintain firm boundaries and loyalty to yourself and your own needs if they try to drag you back into their selfish, other-draining orbit. Narcissists often satisfy their needs for admiration and attention by putting themselves first; however, it is important for the person trying to free themselves from the grip of the narcissist to put their own needs first to ensure that they are provided with relationships that are sustainable and not stressful.