Narcissistic injury is widely misunderstood. Many people think of it as the trauma that victims of narcissism experience. Instead, it is what narcissists experience when they lose, are abandoned, or are criticized. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM):
Poor self-esteem makes individuals with narcissistic personality disorder extremely sensitive to the “injury” of criticism or defeat. Although they may not show it outwardly, criticism can haunt these individuals and leave them feeling humiliated, degraded, and empty. They may react with contempt, anger, or a defiant counterattack.
The narcissistic individuals I know who have experienced this type of traumatic reaction take a long time to get over. They hold grudges and want revenge on the person they perceive to have hurt them; they seek revenge, try to cause trouble for their attacker, and never seem to forgive or forget.
We’ve all felt abandoned or rejected at times, and most of us get over it with a little time and processing our feelings: we move on. But the narcissist doesn’t. Narcissists don’t connect with their feelings enough to move on. Issues like “It’s all your fault” or “How could you do this to me?” linger in their minds.
They want to get back at them and seek revenge. While they may act arrogant and conceited and pretend that nothing is bothering them, this facade makes it difficult for others to see their inner self-loathing. They don’t have a strong, developed sense of self, so we see them swing from depression to grandiosity with little in between. Their display fools most people until they recognize the narcissist. When the narcissist’s facade of charm and deceit cracks, their entire world explodes.
They then blame others for their feelings of inadequacy, lack of happiness or success, and lack of love. As long as you agree with the narcissist, go around them, do things their way, and admire them greatly, you’ll be fine. But if you take a different path from him, you will see his contempt and his serious tactics to “get back at you.” We see this in politics, in narcissistic parenting, and high-conflict divorces when someone divorces a narcissist. You may also see it at work or with a friend who you discover is a narcissist. The charm you thought was real suddenly turns into a fierce battle of abusive behavior.
Where you thought they cared about you, loved you, or admired you, you discover that they don’t and that it was all just an act to get what they want. Deep down, their motivation is to exploit you for personal or professional gain. They are envious of others, fierce competitors, and must always come out on top no matter what. It’s painful to realize, especially if you are close to this person in a business, family, or romantic relationship.
In healthy situations, we can disagree with someone, but we talk. We sometimes agree to disagree, but we don’t hold a grudge for the rest of our lives. Real narcissists can’t do that. They hit hard and then they usually erase you from their record, but they never forget. It will always be your fault because they never take responsibility.
People involved with narcissism often find it difficult to understand this because it is not normal behavior; in fact, it is abusive. The key to recovering from this abusive behavior is our inner work, realizing that it is not us and it is not our fault. We must separate ourselves from the abusive behavior and focus on our well-being. It is also important not to carry their shame, which they will try to project onto you.
Many clients I have worked with feel ashamed that they have been involved with such people, but I want to be clear that anyone can be fooled by narcissists. They are very good at presenting a facade of charm and grandeur. The goal of narcissists is to deceive and manipulate to achieve their ends, and they often succeed in this endeavor.
If you’ve been abused by a narcissist, know that there is hope and healing. I’m still a huge advocate for recovery from narcissistic abuse and I know it’s worth it. You may be wondering how to recover, and what else you need to understand to take good care of yourself and your family. These additional resources may help.
