“Some people try to be tall by cutting off other people’s heads.” – Paramahansa Yogananda
“It’s not easy to be superior to everyone I know.” – Anonymous
The Mayo Clinic Research Group defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an exaggerated sense of their importance and a deep need for admiration. People with narcissistic personality disorder believe they are superior to others and care little about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of overconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that is vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
Narcissistic supply is a form of psychological addiction and dependence in which the narcissist requires (demands) constant importance, “special treatment,” validation, and/or appeasement to feel good about himself. This insatiable craving to be “put on a pedestal” largely explains the narcissist’s sense of vanity, entitlement, and self-indulgence.
To continually replenish their “supply,” many narcissists deliberately find or create scenarios where they can receive attention and feel infallible regularly. They also deliberately target relationships with individuals (victims) who are susceptible to their initial charm, who are naive and easily manipulated, and who are vulnerable to exploitation. At home or work, in ways big and small, the narcissist craves constant stroking of their ego. They rely heavily on this “supply” to compensate for their inner emptiness and to cushion their fragile self-esteem.
Below are seven manipulative roles that narcissists often play to receive a regular flow of narcissistic supply, with references from my books, How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists and A Practical Guide for Narcissists to Change Toward the Higher Self. While some people may engage in one of the behaviors below occasionally, which may not be a big deal, the chronic narcissist will typically inhabit one or more of the following personas regularly, to feel good about themselves.
- The Know-It-All
“My father’s favorite responses to my opinions were, ‘But…’, ‘Actually…’, and ‘There’s more to it than that…’ He must always feel like he knows better.” — Anonymous
At home, at work, or in social situations, the narcissist may position himself as the “expert” or “authority,” constantly marginalizing, correcting, and invalidating the views of others. Know-it-alls are also fond of staking out and interrupting conversations. It’s worth noting that even when they’re not criticizing or correcting your views, they may listen briefly and then go right back to what they were talking about as if what you said didn’t matter at all. You’re just there as a convenient tool to provide for them.
“That’s enough of me talking about myself; let’s hear you talk about me.” — Anonymous
- The Dominant Controller/Judge/Rescuer
“Those picture frames in the living room are crooked. I told you to check them out when you cleaned the house. Come on! Don’t be an idiot!!” —Anonymous Spouse
The narcissist may target himself and place himself in personal or professional relationships with those who allow him to control, judge, criticize, or marginalize regularly. The narcissist gains self-confidence by controlling and subjugating others. One form of this type of social dominance is the narcissist receiving his supply by “saving” others, thus declaring himself the “indispensable savior.”
“Once again, I saved the day—without me, they are nothing!” —Anonymous
- The Merit Badge Collector/Statue Seeker
“My accomplishments are everything.” —Anonymous CEO
Some narcissists deliberately choose career pursuits where they can be admired and/or feared regularly. In this case, the narcissist’s primary reason for choosing is simply to be “superior,” “important,” and “special,” rather than a genuine desire to contribute to the greater good.
“He thinks he’s a god because he’s a doctor.” — Anonymous
“She chose to be a (security officer) so she could be tough on people and get away with it.” — Anonymous
- Boundary Violator/Exploiter
“Rules are meant to be broken—that’s how you win.” — Anonymous
Narcissists may regularly use their charm, persuasion, or coercion to pressure people into giving them what they want, even when it’s one-sided and unreasonable. Some are particularly prone to manipulating others into giving up their boundaries. Here, narcissistic supply relies on others surrendering to the narcissist’s exploitative influence, which they see as a “win” and ego-affirming. Many pathological narcissists do not empathize; they use it.
“I pride myself on getting people to make exceptions to their rules.” — Anonymous
- The Arrogant/Braggart
“She likes to bring up ‘I’m a lawyer’ in every social conversation, no matter how irrelevant.” — Anonymous
Some narcissists constantly engage in bragging, name-dropping, status-bragging, or “humble-bragging” about how great their life is, in hopes of receiving praise, recognition, and attention on social media. They intentionally want others to envy them for what they have, to feel better about themselves.
“My fiancé and I drive a Mercedes. The best man at our upcoming wedding also drives a Mercedes!” — Anonymous
- The Difficult/Negativity-Seeking Infectious
“My boss is intentionally picky and makes everything difficult. It makes her feel powerful.” — Anonymous
Some narcissists are intentionally difficult, annoying, and antagonistic, even when it’s unreasonable and unnecessary for them to be. Here, narcissistic supply is the perceived power that comes from being terrifying and hated. From the toxic and distorted narcissist’s perspective, it is better to be a thorn in someone else’s side than to be nobody.
In some cases, although the narcissist may not be aware of it, making themselves difficult subconsciously reinforces the narcissist’s self-loathing—that they are unworthy of being loved and accepted, and that they do not have what it takes to engage in positive, healthy relationships (the narcissistic wound).
- The Faker/Pretender Who Lives Through Others
“You have opportunities that I never had… After you become a doctor, you can do whatever you want. Until then, do what I say!” —Father to Son in Dead Poets Society
Some narcissists live through others in the hopes of boosting their low self-esteem or fulfilling their unrealized fantasies and dreams on their behalf. Narcissistic supply comes from basking in the reflected glory of those they exploit and take advantage of.
“My mother loved to dress me up in cute dresses, even though I was naturally boyish. I think she felt that when I received compliments on my appearance, I looked good in retrospect. It boosted my self-worth.” —Anonymous
The common pattern for all of the above traits is that the narcissist relies on a steady stream of narcissistic supply to maintain his or her superficial, selfish, and arrogant self-image. Those in a relationship with the narcissist are used as accessories to the narcissist’s selfish needs. But deep down, most narcissists feel like the “ugly duckling,” even if they don’t want to admit it.
Can a narcissist change for the better? Perhaps. But only if he or she is fully aware and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists who are no longer willing to play the charade at the expense of authentic relationships and authenticity, there are ways to break free from the facade and gradually move toward the higher self. For those who live or work with narcissists, keen awareness and assertive communication are essential to healthy, mutually respectful relationships. See references below.
