Key Points
Love from a narcissistic mother is unpredictable and filled with control and anger.
Narcissistic mothers have no patience or empathy for their children’s needs.
Adult children can out-maneuver their narcissistic mothers by realizing they are good enough and getting treatment for anxiety and depression.
Regular parents often see their children as narcissistic extensions of themselves.
Regular parents also let it be. After all, the goal of raising healthy children is to fulfill themselves.
However, not all children are allowed to grow and be themselves.
In previous blog posts, we looked at the parenting practices of a narcissistic father, but what if narcissism affects the mother who is raising her children?
Acceptance, or lack thereof, is a fundamental part of parenting. And some mothers fail at it.
“The mother looks at the child in her arms, and the child looks at his mother’s face and finds himself in it… provided the mother looks at the unique, helpless little being and does not project her expectations, fears, and plans onto the child. In that case, the child will not find himself in his mother’s face, but in the mother’s projections. This child will remain without a mirror, and will search for that mirror for the rest of his life in vain.” – Donald Woods Winnicott
Was your mother a narcissist?
She’s a winner, at least in public
Creating the “perfect” world of success—a career, owning your own home, having a family—is not easy. No one said it would be easy. But there is someone in your life who makes it seem that way: your mother.
She is the woman everyone admires—she is a judge, a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher. She is a member of your PTA or the driving force behind your church or synagogue. She balances seamlessly between being socially active and contributing to society in a way that leaves others in awe. In their eyes, she is a superwoman.
Most people don’t know that this superwoman has a secret. Like everyone else in this world, she has a flaw. No one is perfect, and in the case of the mother, the problem is narcissism.
The outside world may accept her, but you know the mother as selfish, fragile, easily angered, and “always right.” She may be loved by her friends and colleagues, but they don’t know the mother you know. She gets the occasional motherly love, but it’s unpredictable and filled with control, anger, and the need to walk on eggshells.
Most children decide to just please her, hoping to get all the good they can get.
SuccessIsNotSynonymousWithNarcissism
Let’s be clear. The vast majority of successful people are not narcissists, and extroverts do not make bad parents. Narcissists are psychologically designed to attract attention, whether through charisma, beauty, intelligence, or money. Many people are like this, and a few have narcissistic traits, but healthy people reorient themselves when raising children.
Healthy mothers come home and support their children—not control them.
Narcissistic mothers still need attention and control, even at home.
If you have a narcissistic mother, the main thing is that she doesn’t have the patience or empathy for her children’s independent and demanding needs (and children need a lot).
This can be costly for a growing child.
Children Need to Please
When you’re a child, you don’t immediately realize that your mother’s trust is fragile. She’s always right because she needs to be right. Whatever she says goes unquestioned—that’s how parents are when you’re a child.
You please because you’re trained to do so. When you’re nine, you don’t accept that your mother treats you like that, because like most school-age children, you want any attention you can get. However, she may get angry at you for forgetting your homework, making a mess, or randomly annoying her. You think you’re the cause and you find yourself anxious in her presence.
Then you get a little older, your awareness continues to develop, and you realize that your mother’s behavior lacks natural maternal care. You see other children and their fathers.
Dr. Caryl McBride, a Psychology Today blogger, puts it this way:
“Narcissists are out of touch with their feelings. They project those feelings onto others and are incapable of empathy. They can’t put themselves in your shoes and feel or understand how something might affect you. They can only see how it affects them. They are very sensitive to criticism and judgment, but they constantly criticize and judge others.”
Your mom comes home demanding attention. If you refuse, she gets offended and lashes out. She’s tired. She’s upset. She wants it her way, and it’s best if your feelings match hers. If you have to hear the word “ungrateful” again, she’ll scream. But most of the time that doesn’t happen.
It’s best to wait until the anger subsides. If she fights, she fights to win. Many normal parents engage in power struggles with their children, but the narcissistic parent needs to win. It’s desperate and scary.
So, you grew up with everyone watching mom warily, hoping she was in a good mood, worrying that she wouldn’t throw a tantrum.
All it takes is a little frustration, so it’s best to be good.
NarcissisticMom + Kids = Instability
Children suffer ongoing psychological trauma from being raised by a narcissistic mother. They know she’s controlling by threatening to withdraw or get angry. Your father is behaving in a way that makes him either get along with you or is long gone.
Here are some characteristics of a narcissistic mother:
The socially engaged mother turns into the controlling mother at home. She is no longer the woman who is always smiling and never backing down, at least in everyone’s eyes. She is demeaning, and critical, and lets you know in more ways than one that you are not living up to her standards.
She makes you feel like a failure if you don’t do what she wants now. Your mother is good at manipulation, especially when it comes to your emotions. If you don’t fulfill her wishes to make her feel like her needs are paramount, be prepared to experience pain in the form of criticism or attacks. And if you are looking for validation, you may be waiting a long time.
She gets upset easily and claims that she does too much for you. If you don’t give her what she wants, she gets upset and uses the “you don’t love me because if I did, I would do what I want” card or she will simply accuse you of ignoring her and not appreciating her as a mother. She may compare you unfavorably to someone else who is “good” with her mother.
She is opinionated in her own opinion and criticizes people while being more tolerant in public. Mom needs to look good in front of everyone, even if she doesn’t like them very much. She is charismatic, smiles, and even talks to them while keeping her criticism home.
She finds fault with you. And when you correct your mistake, you hardly get validation. “I’m sorry, Mom” is never enough with her and you can never figure out how to please her with an apology.
It makes you anxious, and not full of self-confidence. It makes you feel inadequate, even if you do something worthy of praise. We all need validation, especially early in life. A narcissistic mother can create self-doubt in everything she does.
The world revolves around her. Your mother needs to be the center of attention at all times. She needs to be served, admired, and expected to provide all of the above and more.
Yet, we all need a mother’s love.
The consequences of being raised by a narcissistic mother can be subtle or dramatic and often affect adulthood. Neither the mother nor the child may realize it until then. Remember, children must adjust to their early childhood, and the way we do so affects who we become.
Children of Narcissistic Mothers
Boys and girls of narcissistic mothers have to deal with a deficit in maternal care that their upbringing lacked. With a boy, here’s one way your development can unfold: As a child, you desperately sought praise and validation from your mother, inadvertently tying yourself to her will. This led to you being labeled as a “mama’s boy” because you did everything your mother asked just to please her, even though it didn’t help your relationship with her. You aim to please but cannot now appreciate your own needs. You may end up with a demanding, narcissistic woman as a mate because that’s all you know. It will wear you down.
Or you may identify with your mother and become narcissistic. You become successful, please your mother (because you think highly of her) and assume that women should like you too. But where is the empathy required for good relationships? Herein lies the problem.
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
As with the boy, the daughter of a narcissistic mother has not received the maternal empathy that every child deserves. Your mother wants to be the center of attention, the one everyone desires, and you become an extension of her need to show off. Are you pretty enough? Are you smart enough? Are you too heavy or too thin? What about your hair? To add to the confusion, the narcissistic mother may also compete with you, especially over your youth and sexuality. It’s a double bind for you.
Your mother repeatedly tells you that she is a great mother. Most children either believe their mothers’ stories or simply choose not to. It is very costly. Deep down, your self-esteem is damaged. You are not validated as you are; instead, you avoid or appease her judgments. When you try to stand out, it is a battle. And sometimes, it is the best solution.
The damage is done. You may identify with your mother’s narcissism and become a narcissist yourself. You have an intense need for validation that cannot be met, no matter how rich or beautiful you are. Loving yourself has its origins in feeling loved by your parents. This is a damage that is difficult to undone.
On the other hand, narcissistic mothers can produce daughters who are always content. They are over-pleasers and often content with men who do not appreciate them, thus reenacting the deprivation of their youth. Such women often come to therapy when they are adults and have children of their own. They may suffer from depression or anxiety, but at the core of it is the realization that they are not getting what they need.
Overcoming a Narcissistic Mother
Dealing with a narcissistic mother is not easy because of the lasting impressions she can leave on you. But it is possible to survive and rise above her behavior. Look to others around you—your father, the faculty at school, even your siblings or friends who value you for who you are.
Seeing your mother for who she is will help.
Not all selfish mothers are true narcissists. Some have narcissistic tendencies, but children are affected nonetheless. By coming to terms with your mother’s flaws, you can truly be liberated. Knowledge is power.
If in doubt, seek counseling with a good therapist. Your mother did the best she could; she loved you as best she could. But that didn’t give you a foundation to build on. Now, as an adult, you find yourself empty, clingy, or depressed. It is your job to acknowledge what happened, address your anxiety or depression, and find a deeper appreciation for yourself and others.
