Remember that time your friend was dating that person you hated so much? You could tell from a mile away that this partner was manipulative and conniving, but nothing was convincing your best friend. Instead of listening to your advice, your friend quickly reminded you of the skeletons in your closet by pointing out all the times you were completely infatuated with absolute assholes.
The truth is, emotional manipulation is pretty easy to spot when it happens to people you love, but professionals say it’s harder to spot the puppeteer pulling your strings. We spoke with licensed psychologist Kate Balistrieri, Ph.D., and mental health counselor Destiny McCoy, M.S.W., about the different types of manipulation out there, the telltale signs that you’re experiencing it, and solutions to curbing manipulation in relationships.
WhatIsManipulation?
In the context of relationships, manipulation refers to the actions a person takes to try to control others, usually in a deceptive or harmful way. Psychological manipulation involves pressuring people to change behaviors or beliefs through deceptive or distorting tactics. Emotional manipulation uses the same tactics to elicit intense emotional responses that are intentionally designed to drain another person’s energy or destabilize their emotional well-being.
Psychologists say the root cause of manipulative behavior can often be toxic cycles of abuse, narcissism, or unhealthy relationships in the manipulator’s childhood.
Balestrieri says manipulation can occur in any relational context, including family, friends, professional, romantic, or sexual relationships.
Common Signs of Manipulation
- You’re questioning your reality.
There are many facets to manipulation, but Balestrieri says one of the most important is gaslighting, a conversational tactic designed to “disconnect you from your instincts or rational assessments of the world.”
McCoy says that if you feel like you’re questioning your integrity or “sanity,” that’s a sign that something is wrong and manipulation may be occurring.
“When you doubt your reality, it’s easier for a manipulator to convince you and persuade you to conform to their vision,” Balestrieri continues. “The sole purpose of manipulation is to separate someone from their reality and create doubt in their mind or the minds of others so that the manipulator can get away with something or maintain the upper hand when it comes to tangible control over others.
- The relationship is highly emotional.
Manipulation in romantic relationships often involves facilitating an intense emotional connection that sets the stage for an attempt to maintain control.
“Love bombing, chaos, and intensity are recurring and essential elements of successful manipulation,” Balestrieri explains. “Keeping partners confused, disturbed, and distracted by illusions about what’s next or the good times that have happened is a common tactic used by manipulative and abusive partners.”
- You fear abandonment.
“If someone is being manipulated, they may begin to feel uncertain, fearful, or confused,” says McCoy.
Many victims may dismiss signs of manipulation as the normal give-and-take of a relationship, but McCoy says you can tell the difference between healthy compromise and unhealthy manipulation by whether there’s fear involved. “With compromise, there’s no ‘If I don’t do what this person says, they’re going to leave me or hurt me,’” she says.
If that fear is on your mind or you feel it in your gut, there’s a good chance you’re being manipulated.
- You have a gut feeling that something is wrong.
“Listening to your gut is essential to assessing manipulation,” Balestrieri explains. “The enteric nervous system, part of the autonomic nervous system, lives in our gut and is responsible for discerning sensory signals and relaying that information to the brain. Together, their efforts are designed to assess the threat, and this often happens outside of our conscious awareness, which we notice as a ‘gut feeling.’”
- You feel insecure.
The goal of manipulation is to maintain control over you, and making you feel bad about yourself can be one-way manipulators exert their power over you and make you complacent. “They use your vulnerability against you,” Balestrieri explains. When you’re vulnerable, they weaponize your fears and insecurities to make themselves feel superior.”
- They want you to depend on them and others.
If you don’t have anyone else to turn to, it’s easier for a manipulator to control you. That’s why attempts at isolation or extreme codependency can be a sign of manipulation. “They’re trying to isolate you (physically, socially, and financially) and trying to create dependency on them,” Balestreri explains. “Limiting your resources and outside influences gives them control.”
- They keep comparing you to others.
According to Balestreri, comparing you to others can be a form of manipulation. “Manipulative people thrive on the idea that people will compete for them,” she explains. Constant comparison to others can be a form of manipulation, as it’s designed to trigger feelings of inadequacy and competition.”
- They’ve managed to get your friends and family “on their side.”
Balistrieri warns that it’s not just bad traits we should be watching out for. “Watch for flattering behaviors or other attempts to appear positive, as this is often a deliberate attempt to further isolate the victim from their support system by creating the illusion of doubt.” She offers an example: “The first person to write ‘Happy Birthday!’ on your grandmother’s social media page can’t possibly be a manipulative or abusive person, right? Wrong! Impression management is a daily effort by the manipulator, who works hard to get others to like him as a shield.”
Manipulators may reach out to loved ones or close friends without telling their partner. If it’s a positive gesture, it will lead to more fun outings or a wider social circle for both partners in the couple. Instead, it’s manipulation when these side conversations create a smokescreen, increase internal fighting, or increase isolation. In such cases, the victim’s family members and friends may be unwitting pawns in a psychological game that the manipulator is trying to win.
Manipulation in Relationships.
While the tactics of manipulation are similar everywhere, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to what it might look like in a romantic relationship. Sometimes it comes on quickly as control and intimidation, but other times partners notice an asymmetric mix of lies, guilt trips, neglect, denial, justifications, or passive aggression that builds over time. There’s certainly a wide range of experiences.
Selective manipulation can focus on a single, recurring issue, and it can be annoying but harmless. For example: One partner easily dodges chores or always works late on nights when your parents come over. These issues can be addressed through communication and setting boundaries, but what you want to watch out for is toxic manipulation that can lead to abuse. If your romantic partner demands confidentiality, has unpredictable mood swings, and minimizes others’ distress, these manipulative behaviors could lead to abuse.
