Everyone has a few “friends” in their life that they feel largely mixed feelings about. But when do these relationships become problematic, and how can you tell?
We can describe all of our relationships on two dimensions negativity and positivity. With our true friends, we have high levels of positivity and low levels of negativity. With our enemies, we have the opposite—these relationships are toxic. When it comes to our acquaintances, we don’t spend much time and energy on them because we have low levels of positivity and negativity with them. But what about the people we feel both highly positive and highly negative with? Or the people we feel confused or embarrassed about?
While people tend to think that toxic relationships are the most unhealthy type of relationship, ambivalent relationships can be even more draining. The hallmarks of an ambivalent relationship are that you never know whether you can trust the person, where you stand with them, or whether you enjoy hanging out with them. Sure, you may engage in fun activities together or as part of a wider circle of friends, but there are plenty of times when you wonder if the fun is healthy or represents any real value in connection. But unlike a “toxic” enemy or an acquaintance with whom you won’t have cocktails midweek, an ambivalent friend may text you endlessly and invite you to dinner. Because this relationship languishes in the gray area of confusion, you feel obligated to think the best of it, work harder and say yes.
Emotionally, these types of relationships put a strain on our psyches. We spend a great deal of headspace, time, and energy on these people who don’t work out the way they say they will and who don’t always bring us real joy. Dealing with the inherent contradictions of these mixed relationships requires greater emotional and mental resources, and some studies have found that it’s detrimental to your health and productivity.
How do we end up with these “friends”? Sometimes we confuse the length of the relationship with its strength. But time is no indicator of quality—before long, the randomly thrown-together relationship celebrates its fifth anniversary, and the still-doubtful friend takes advantage of this to talk about feelings. Otherwise, the ambivalent relationship may be held together by a duct tape of comfort; with more interactions, there’s more evidence to convince ourselves that the relationship has positive aspects. We convince ourselves there’s something positive about these friendships—a compliment here, a shared memory there—and tell ourselves that it’s not so bad. And you can bet this is more likely to happen to people who are highly empathetic, who tend to seek to see only the best in others actively.
The truth remains, however. You feel drained after interactions. You may often find yourself trying to justify spending more time with them in the future. Unlike your good friends, you spend time with because you want to and miss them, you agree to these semi-real friends because you’re driven by guilt and obligation.
Bottom line: Extreme negativity, no matter how positive the relationship is, drains you.
Here are three warning signs of intensely negative friendships despite their simultaneous positivity:
- “Oh my God, you won’t believe what happened!”
We all go through periods when life knocks us down, and this friend may have listened to us crying in our pajamas over a pint of Häagen-Dazs – so we think, “They were there for me, so I need to be there for them.” The main difference is that this person’s life feels like an endless train wreck, with drama engineered through self-sabotage and then blaming the world, and you always have to be the one to pick up the pieces.
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This phrase is one of the most vicious forms of passive-aggression and is used a lot by ambivalent friends. On the surface, it seems to validate your feelings—a positive thing. However, what this phrase does is make you feel bad for having feelings. It’s a way of alerting you that your feelings are not welcome in the friendship and that this person has no real interest in caring about your emotional well-being.
- “Me, me, me!”
Selfish people aren’t always bad—these people can be entertaining as long as you’re willing to put up with them constantly hogging the spotlight. Whether they’re being overly talkative or annoying, or they’re just distracting you with a sad and stressful story, these narcissists will cleverly find a way to hijack the focus, no matter how trivial the subject. You may not mind dealing with everyday matters, but these are the people who can easily turn toxic if you give them too much trust: They may seem to listen to your problems by validating your feelings—before turning them into a competition. Prime examples include how they’ll tell you that their pain is bigger or how strong they are (“Why aren’t you?” “I’m not afraid of so-and-so”). In the end, you feel listened to and wronged. Is a front seat to all their great stories worth it in the end?
So how do you walk away from a relationship that’s ambivalent and draining?
First, treat the relationship like a balance sheet—lay out the pros and cons, regardless of how long it’s been. Sometimes, we can’t acknowledge the less attractive aspects of others. We feel bad about ourselves because we’re thinking negatively. My friend and therapist Jonathan Marshall advises me to write down the worst thoughts I have about that person that I wouldn’t normally say out loud. This exercise can help heal your guilt and discomfort. “You can turn anyone into a good person,” he says, “but believing in good people won’t protect you from harm.”
Next, set clear boundaries by letting them know—even via text—that you’re ending the relationship. However, if they bombard you too much, are overly dramatic, or simply aren’t the type of person who would notice if you didn’t text them, it might be worth not saying anything at all. Just let them go—and if they text you back, only then should you tell them about your decision.
More importantly, if you find that the majority of your relationships are conflicting, it might be time to ask yourself what’s making you vulnerable. Sometimes, we give too much because we think people-pleasing is our life’s purpose; in reality, it might be nice to be wanted or useful. Or do we think these relationships are all we deserve? Whatever the reason, know that you deserve healthy relationships that nurture your growth.
Leaving friendships behind is hard, but making room means you can nurture the truly healthy relationships that matter. Just as art galleries organize their collections, your relationships should be organized for your well-being. As I always tell my over-giving clients, we give our best when we give from a full cup. When we choose our relationships carefully, we have a lot to offer. Then, just as great friendships rejuvenate, nourish, and support us, we can do the same for them.
