Nobody likes a manipulator, except maybe another manipulator.
Manipulators use our vulnerabilities against us to get us to act in ways we wouldn’t otherwise. They often manipulate their romantic partners, getting them to stay when they want to leave or taking advantage of their money.
The problem is that while it’s easy to think of manipulators as villains, it’s not like they walk around in uniforms. So how do we spot them?
Well, that’s a good question. Let’s take a look.
1) They’re charismatic
Okay, I’m not saying that every charismatic person is a manipulator, but most manipulators are indeed charismatic.
They have to be because their charisma is what allows them to be so manipulative in the first place. People trust them because they’re charismatic, and they’re able to abuse that trust to manipulate people into doing their bidding.
There’s a reason why cult leaders can build and manipulate huge followings, and it starts with “c” and ends with “charisma.”
So if you notice someone who is highly charismatic but forces you to do things you don’t want to do, you may have found someone who is manipulating you.
2) They Use Selective Disclosure
The idea behind selective disclosure is that someone will only pass on certain information.
This means that a manipulator might tell you the shortest route from A to B, but they will neglect to tell you that a tree has fallen, roads are blocked, or that it requires you to swim through shark-infested waters.
Manipulators do this because they don’t see it as lying, and they often shift the blame (I’ll get to that shortly) by saying that it’s your fault if you don’t check what they’re telling you.
Skilled manipulators also feign innocence, acting as if the reason they didn’t give you all the information was because they didn’t have it themselves.
3) They use gaslighting
Gaslighting is a favorite tactic of manipulators where they use lies and deception to make their victim question their sanity.
They will do things like hide your keys and tell you they should be where you left them, then return them a few hours later.
Why? Well, because they can, and because it breaks down their victim’s resistance and makes it easier to manipulate them in the future.
For most people, gaslighting is seen as one of the most unforgivable manipulative behaviors. And for good reason.
4) They’re Masters at Blaming Others
Manipulators know that they’re responsible for a great deal of their partner’s suffering, so they’ve come up with ways to avoid taking responsibility for it.
One of the most common ways is to blame others. In other words, if they suspect their partner is going to accuse them of something, they’ll accuse their partner of it first.
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We looked at an example of this when we talked about selective disclosure. They may give you a path you can’t really follow and then blame you for not doing your research to make sure the path is clear.
Blaming others often leads to arguments, and arguments themselves can often play into the manipulator’s narrative.
5) They like to play the victim
The idea here is that the manipulator will take advantage of someone and then immediately assume the role of the victim. This makes it difficult for the victim to confront them about their bad behavior.
To me, this makes me think of someone who hits someone else and then blames them for hurting their joints.
As you can see, it’s hypocritical and manipulative, but unfortunately for us, it’s also effective. And like the boy who cried wolf, it can be hard to know when they’re the victim.
6) They flip between emotions quickly
A lot of people fall into this trap, but it’s often because they have a mental health condition or because they’re not good at managing their emotions.
With manipulators, things are very different. They can have an unusually high level of control over their emotions, so instead of just experiencing them like the rest of us, they can weaponize them.
For this reason, it is common to see them fluctuate from one emotion to another and then another. They will use any emotion they know will get the results they are after.
And it is the people closest to them who have to deal with this.
7) Guilt
Manipulators do not hesitate to use guilt to get what they want, which is one of the reasons why people tend to stay with them.
The problem is that they make you feel guilty about things you shouldn’t feel guilty about, and then leave you feeling like you have to make it up to them, even though they are the ones who are in the wrong.
They will use all sorts of different strategies to guilt people, but one of the most common strategies is that they will do something drastic like trashing a room and then saying “Look what you made me do.”
There are some things you should feel guilty about. But there are plenty of other things you shouldn’t feel guilty about.
8) They Send Mixed Messages
As you can tell from what we’ve talked about so far, manipulators are adept at sending mixed messages.
The goal of these mixed messages is to keep people guessing all the time because they know this will make it easier to manipulate them. It’s all about being as unpredictable as possible.
These mixed messages are often backed up by the rapid fluctuations in emotions we mentioned earlier, leading to situations where they’re praising you one moment and then cursing you the next.
On the plus side, since these go against the natural rules of civilized society, these messages can be quite easy to spot.
9) They Prey on People’s Weaknesses
If we were to summarize all the points we’ve made so far, they could all fall under this one.
Manipulators are experts at spotting people’s weaknesses and then identifying ways in which they can exploit them for their purposes.
If they know you are afraid of being alone, they will intentionally leave you alone and only come back when you agree to their demands. And if you are not good at saying no, they will pressure you to say yes to things you do not want to agree to.
The willingness and ability to exploit people’s vulnerabilities is what makes manipulators so dangerous in the first place.
Conclusion
Now that you know the subtle red flags that can indicate that someone is being highly manipulative, you’re in a much better position to defend yourself.
A word of caution, though: confronting a manipulator is often a bad idea, as they will use techniques like shifting blame and playing the victim to ensure that they win.
Instead, it’s generally a good idea to seek help, either from a professional organization or from your family and friends.
It may be time to say goodbye to the manipulator for good.
