Our friends are our chosen family, so it’s important to choose wisely. But what makes a good friend a really good friend? And what are the obvious red flags that warn you that someone isn’t a good friend at all?

Here are the qualities to look for in a good friend, plus the ones to watch out for, according to relationship experts.

11 Traits of a Good Friend:

1. You Love Being Around Them.

First and foremost: You’ll love being around a really good friend. This may seem obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t realize they feel bad around certain people. Your friendships need to be warm and fun, according to relationship expert Ken Page, LCSW, because that playful, fun side creates feelings of belonging and security.

It’s easy to laugh and have fun with a good friend, adds Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMFT. “Deep conversations also come easily and make you feel fulfilled and fulfilled,” she adds.

Leeds adds that there’s simply a natural chemistry with good friends. “When there’s chemistry, conversation flows, there’s fun, and you can let your guard down. Looking at whether someone has the qualities of a good friend is important, but going beyond the checklist and trusting your gut to make sure there’s chemistry between friends, too—that’s what leads to finding friends who are truly kindred spirits,” explains Leeds.

2. They boost you up.

Good friends support you and lift you when you’re down, with Page noting that they can be your biggest champions. “A good friend is also someone who’s committed to their growth and encourages growth in you,” says Leeds, adding that they won’t get jealous or competitive with you, and will inspire you to be the fullest version of yourself.

3. They’re there for you.

When the going gets tough, good friends step in. Just as our romantic relationships require effort, maintenance, and nurturing, so do our friendships. As Page says, being a good friend requires one choice after another to elevate the importance of your friendship.

“It’s that unconditional feeling of being there for them, even when you see your friend making the same mistakes over and over again,” he says. Whether they’re a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen to, or simply an overall positive force in your life, good friends are there for you when you need them.

4. They share your joy and your pain.

The best friends in our lives are those who can celebrate our triumphs with us but also share our pain. Page says you know you have a good friend when you accomplish something and you can tell your friend is genuinely happy for you. “They feel proud for you, they feel joy for you, they celebrate with you — and a true friend will also hurt for you when you’re hurting,” he explains, adding that in the toughest times, having good friends to ease our downfalls is essential.

5. They’re honest with you.

There’s a difference between being supportive and enabling certain behaviors. While a good friend will help you get through the tough times, you’ll also be able to trust that they’re honest with you. Or as Page puts it, “You can trust your friend to be kind but also honest.”

What’s more, a good friend can also point you out when you’re acting out the same old patterns in your job, relationship, family, etc. — because they know you well enough to tell you when you’re wrong. “In long-term friendships, you see the long arcs of patterns, so good friends are invaluable because they can point these things out,” Page explains.

6. You can be your authentic self with them.

We all need people around whom we feel like we can be ourselves — no fakery, no social masks, no pretense. As Leeds tells mindbodygreen, good friends are trustworthy, understanding, and supportive, so in their presence, you feel comfortable being authentic, which leads to relaxation and a sense of belonging. “Those who have the qualities of a good friend typically exhibit a high level of openness, integrity, and acceptance,” she adds.

As psychotherapist Jenny Christina, LCSW, Rh.D., CHt, previously told mindbodygreen, “The ability to enjoy and share special memories is the result of having a trusting relationship that feels safe.”

7. They’re emotionally mature.

Good friends have the emotional maturity to understand how to resolve conflicts healthily and maintain the relationship overall, with Leeds noting that people who are good friends typically have emotional depth, security, and authenticity. Especially in long-term friendships, there will undoubtedly come a time when heads clash—but that won’t make a true friend run away.

“Just like in a romantic relationship, you have to grow the friendship,” Page explains, referencing a quote from Marianne Williamson in which she says, “As I grow emotionally, my friends become more like lovers—and my lovers become more like friends.”

8. They make time for you.

10. There’s an equal give and take.

Friendships can become one-sided when there’s no balance of effort and care between the two people, but a good friendship will feel reciprocal. As Leeds says, you’ll feel a balance between being supportive and being supported, with good friends having a generosity of spirit that keeps the relationship from slipping into one-sidedness.

11. They make you feel validated and cared for.

Last but not least, good friends will make you feel cared for and cared for. In some cases, Page says, they can even remind you of your best qualities when you’re feeling down about yourself. “Our friends can teach us about who we are and our deepest talents when we don’t see them ourselves,” he explains. “They appreciate and point out and acknowledge those talents, so that’s another profound gift of friendship—there are some ways we wouldn’t even know ourselves if our friends didn’t help us see them,” he adds.

5 Signs a Friend Is a Bad Friend:

1. They Don’t Respect You.

Mutual respect is key to any healthy relationship, including friendships. Whether your friend doesn’t respect your boundaries, time, or effort, or is generally selfish, they’re not a good friend, says Leeds.

An unhealthy friendship, Page adds, is one where your friend’s feelings of jealousy or envy are so strong that they can’t be happy for you, or they may not empathize with you when you’re upset, instead telling you what you’re doing wrong, he notes. Overall, there’s no respect, and they don’t make you feel good about being around them.

2. They’re a good-time friend.

A good-time or one-sided friend is someone who seems to want to hang out only when it benefits them in some way. But when do you need them? They’re nowhere to be found. As Page notes, these friends can be fun to be around for certain activities in some situations, but they should be considered part of your outer circle, not your inner circle.

3. They’re manipulative.

Manipulation is never a sign of anything positive, so if your friend engages in bullying, guilt-tripping, possessiveness, sabotage, manipulation, blaming, or any number of other manipulative tactics, beware. As psychotherapist Annette Nunez, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist, said, toxic friends “may blame you, as if everything is always your fault and you’re responsible for everything in the relationship.”

Also, beware of excessive gossip. According to Leeds, “Some gossip is normal in most friendships, but if the gossip plays a major role or feels mean, that’s a sign that this person is also talking about you behind your back, which will erode emotional security in the relationship.”

4. They drag you down.

While good friends support you, bad friends tear you down. Page explains that not feeling like they’re genuinely supportive of you, competing with you, or simply not comfortable being around you are major signs of a bad friend.

“Other traits to watch out for are not feeling in tune with your friend’s values, being dishonest, and being overly critical or negative a lot of the time,” Leeds adds. Friends with these traits are likely to drag you down, she explains, and if you have to misrepresent your personality in a friendship, “it’s fair to assume that you’re uncomfortable with your friend [or] that they’re judging you or don’t understand you.”

5. They’re emotionally immature.

Emotional maturity is required to maintain any healthy relationship, and friendships are no exception. According to Nunez, a toxic friend will always find a way to bring the conversation back to themselves, for example, or they’ll find a way to blame you for everything.

As Paige says, emotionally immature people will have a hard time feeling vulnerable or even dealing with issues in a friendship, which will make it very difficult to maintain.