Many of us have been in situations where we’ve been disliked by our friend’s partner. The situation can range from annoying to angry, but the question is: Should you say something about it?
In a new study published in the Journal of Personal Relationships, researchers sought to find out what happens when you do — and the results suggest you might want to tread carefully.
ToSpeakUp? That’s the question.
In this study, the researchers wanted to look at how disapproval of a friend’s or family member’s partner affects the relationship between the disapprover and the friend or family member.
To do this, they created an online survey in which 703 people reported how close they were to a friend or family member who disapproved of their partner. They also rated how close they were to that person before they realized any disapproval, as well as at the height of the disapproval.
As you might imagine, people don’t appreciate feeling disliked by their partner — and as it turns out, it can create distance between you and your disapproving partner. Perceiving that a friend or family member disapproves of your partner is associated with decreased emotional closeness to that friend or family member, and stronger disapproval is associated with greater decreases in closeness.
“We show that perceived disapproval predicts long-term declines in perceived emotional closeness to the disapproving [friend/family member],” the study authors wrote. “Our findings are important for anyone wondering whether to intervene in someone else’s troublesome relationship or to stay silent.”
What to do if you’re in this situation.
Deciding whether to speak up or stay silent about a friend’s relationship is a tough line to walk, and one that should be carefully treaded. Unless there’s abuse involved—in which case you should seek to remove your friend immediately—there are a few important things to remember.
If you do choose to say something, licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, MA, LFT, stresses that you’ll want to raise any concerns “in a loving, objective way with clear examples.” She adds that it can also be helpful to “remind your friend that only they know what’s best for them and that you’ll be there no matter who they’re dating.”
As clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, PsyD, previously told mbg, try to focus on your friend and how their partner’s behavior is affecting them. For example, instead of saying, I can’t believe Josh dumped you. It’s the worst, you could say, I noticed Josh didn’t die last night. How do you feel about that?
“This invites conversation and reflection,” Neo explains, adding that from there, you can ask if they want your opinion, and you’ll be invited (or not) to respond.
Ultimately, we can never fully understand someone’s intimate picture, and it’s up to your friend or family member to stay or leave. As Leeds says, “It’s not our job to choose our friend’s partners, but it is up to us to support them through the ups and downs of their chosen relationship.”
Check out our full guide on how to help someone in a toxic relationship for more tips.
Bottomline.
The bottom line is that you never want to see someone you care about dating someone you don’t care about at all — but according to this research, talking about it can lead to problems for your friendship if you’re not careful. If you do decide to say something, know what you’re getting into — and make sure to be as empathetic as possible.
