If you’re familiar with the terms “open relationship” and “polyamory,” you might be curious about what a threesome is. While not quite the same as polyamory, a threesome is a type of ethically non-monogamous relationship, and it comes with its own unique set of benefits — but also challenges.
Here’s what you need to know about threesomes, including how to make them work, according to relationship experts.
What AreThree somes?
A threesome, a combination of the words couple and threesome, is a romantic relationship between three people, where all three people are intimately connected to the other two. The media tends to portray threesomes as two bisexual women and a straight man, but they can consist of any combination of genders.
Threesomes can be just as committed to each other as bisexual couples, though they lack the legal framework to legally recognize their relationship.
As relationship expert and certified sex therapist DeAndrea Blaylock-Solar, LCSW, CST, triads are not hierarchical but balanced. “Triads can also be closed, but they don’t have to be, meaning each partner can have additional partners if they’re in an open relationship, or they can be a closed triad or ‘triad,’ where it’s just the three of them,” she explains. Licensed therapist Jennifer Schneider, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, adds, “Three people in a relationship often prefer to be called a ‘threesome’ rather than a ‘threesome.’” (We’ll use “threesome” and “threesome” interchangeably throughout this article.)
Keywords about threesomes:
Ethical non-monogamy: Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), is an approach to relationships in which people can have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time, and all participants are aware of and enthusiastically consent to the dynamic.
Triad: Another term for “threesome,” a triad refers to a relationship between three people in which all three people date the other two people.
Triad: Sex between three people is known as a threesome.
Open relationship: An open relationship is one in which partners have agreed to date and/or sleep with other people outside the relationship.
Closed relationship: A relationship in which partners agree not to date and/or have sex with other people outside the relationship.
Compatibility: The opposite of jealousy, compatibility describes Feeling happy, excited, or thrilled about the idea of your partner being happy, romantically or sexually, with someone else.
Polyamory: A form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy in which people can have romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time.
Unicorn: A third person invited into an existing relationship between two people.
Paired: Another partner of one of the partners in a polyamorous relationship that is not a triad. Paired people may or may not interact with each other, depending on the structure of the relationship (e.g., Dave is dating Jane and Morgan, but Jane and Morgan are not dating each other, so Jane and Morgan are paired).
Polyamory vs. Threesomes
A threesome is not the same as polyamory or an open relationship, though they can overlap. All three terms are subsets under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy.
For example, polyamory refers to the practice or desire to have intimate relationships with more than one person, with the informed consent of all involved. Polyamorous people believe and respect the idea that it is normal, desirable, and entirely possible to love, be attracted to, and be intimate with more than one person at a time.
An open relationship is one in which an emotionally involved couple (or triad!) decides to have sex with people outside of their relationship—usually without forming long-term emotional bonds or commitments. (Here’s how to ask your partner for an open relationship, if that piques your curiosity.)
A threesome, then, is an example of polyamory (i.e., loving more than one person at a time), and triads may or may not be in open relationships, depending on the preferences of the participants. A triad may be open to love outside of the triad, and each person in the relationship may have other partners, lovers, or dates.
Misconceptions About Triads and Non-Monogamy
“Triads Don’t Experience Jealousy”
It can be easy to assume that if three people decide to date each other, they won’t be jealous of each other, but that’s not always the case. As Blaylock-Solar says, jealousy is something we all can experience, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
“I think it’s important to make space for jealousy and evaluate where it’s coming from—and understand that even in the most open relationships, jealousy can come up,” she adds.
“A Triad Is About Sex”
You might think that people in a triad are only in it for the sex, and while a thriving sex life can be a benefit of this relationship dynamic, many triads will tell you that it’s not all about sex.
In fact, for many triads, emotional support and intimacy are top priorities, just as they are in other types of romantic relationships.
“Three is a Crowd”
Finally, another common misconception about triads is that one person is always a “third wheel,” but when done right, that’s not the case. Sure, jealousy can arise, but triads prioritize clear communication and the whole point of the dynamic is for all three people to feel good together.
Tips for a Successful Couple Relationship
- Communicate, communicate, communicate
According to Blaylock-Solar, the most important thing to keep in mind if you want a successful couple relationship is direct and honest communication. It’s important for everyone involved in the relationship to understand what they want and expect from the relationship, and to make sure everyone is on the same page and can come to an agreement on what to expect.
- Set clear rules and boundaries
This is all about communication, but you’ll need to set ground rules and boundaries in a threesome, just like you would in any other relationship. Whether you’re thinking about sleeping arrangements, or whether the threesome is open or closed, you need to be on the same page, says Blaylock-Solar.
As Schneider adds, this will look different for every threesome. “There are no set ‘rules’ that all threesomes follow,” she says. Most threesomes have their unique relationship agreements, so it’s not possible to provide a blanket example of how they work. As a unit, the three people need to decide what approach they want to take and what dynamics feel good for them in terms of who has sex with whom, where everyone sleeps, how date nights go, and so on.
- Work with a professional
Of course, working with a therapist is always a good idea if you’re in a threesome or thinking about joining one. According to relationship expert Beth Bloomfield-Fox, LPC, “Meeting with a therapist or relationship coach who understands and accepts polyamory before introducing new partners and dynamics is a great first step.”
Here’s a helpful guide you can use to find a polyamorous therapist.
Benefits of Polyamorous Relationships
Open-Mindedness
As Blaylock-Solar says, one of the benefits of polyamorous relationships is that they require open mindfulness and a certain deconstruction of how relationships “should” be. For example, many people in polyamorous relationships have had to examine how religion played a role in their upbringing and beliefs, she explains.
Because of this, people in polyamorous relationships tend to be open to trying new things, experimenting, and seeing what works best for them, rather than just doing what’s expected or normal in the broader culture.
IncreasedIntimacy
Clear and direct communication is a big part of all ENM relationships. Being able to have the sometimes difficult conversations about expectations, rules, and boundaries is what helps threesomes navigate the relationship and stay connected. This leads to increased emotional intimacy between all parties.
Not only that, increased emotional intimacy tends to lead to increased sexual intimacy as well. And for people in threesomes, having a third person in the bedroom can make things fun and exciting.
