One of the hardest parts of dealing with an abusive, manipulative, or otherwise toxic person is simply getting them to leave you alone. These people love to provoke, and in those moments, it’s important to know what to do. Enter the gray rock method.

WhatIsTheGreyRockMethod?

If the phrase “gray rock” sounds boring, that’s exactly the point. The Grey Rock Method is essentially about being the human equivalent of a grey rock, explains W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D., psychologist and author of The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

“It’s simply a lack of response,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and licensed somatic psychologist.

The idea is that you engage with this person “in as limited a capacity as possible—specifically, without emotion and drama,” Campbell adds.

HowItWorks

Understanding the Grey Rock Method first requires understanding toxic, abusive, and narcissistic behavior. As both Campbell and Richmond note, poisonous people love to play games, maintain control, and manipulate others.

When you “turn” into the grey rock, Richmond says, you don’t engage with the person or their behavior. You either avoid interactions altogether or keep them extremely brief and unemotional. For example, Richmond’s go-to phrase is “I don’t find that interesting.” You can also say things like “I’m busy,” “Um,” or even just shrug your shoulders without a verbal response.

Campbell notes that “using the grey rock method means that the narcissist can’t use the standard manipulation tactics. There are no emotional responses that they’re used to. If the narcissist experiences failure, they’ll hopefully move on to something else that will meet their ego’s needs.”

Who to use it with?

While this method can work for most people you try it on, it’s especially intended for toxic people of all types—whether it’s an abusive romantic relationship, a manipulative coworker, or a narcissistic neighbor.

Campbell specifically recommends this method for people who are in a tangled relationship with a controlling, emotionally manipulative narcissist. Richmond adds that it can be used with anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries or is abusive to you in any way.

“If someone is trying to be dominant or controlling, the Grey Rock Method is a very effective practice for shutting people down, maintaining your boundaries, and maintaining your control,” she says.

When to Use It.

You’ll know it’s time to use the Grey Rock Method when a toxic person in your life is bothering you and engaging in some sort of manipulative behavior. Of course, in an ideal world, we would cut off contact with these people, but sometimes that’s not an option.

According to Richmond, this method works for extreme jealousy or possessiveness, someone trying to control who you’re with and where you go, and people who are cheating on you, to name a few. It also works when people are trying to stir up drama, get some sort of high out of you, etc.

When you find yourself in the company of a narcissist or abuser, and you want them to leave you alone: ​​Back off, back off, back off. As Richmond explains, most emotional abusers are looking for attention—and negative attention is better than no attention at all. So don’t give them that attention!

In addition to keeping your responses short and unemotional, you can use nonverbal cues like avoiding eye contact and closed body language to signal your lack of interest in the interaction.

Pros and Cons.

Pros:

Simply put, the main advantage of this method is that it works in many cases. Narcissists and abusers thrive on disrupting the lives of others, so if their victims don’t mirror that, it won’t be fun for them. “If you don’t engage with the person, they’ll pull away because they realize their attempts to impress you are fruitless,” Richmond explains.

On top of that, it’s a straightforward, simple method that doesn’t require much on your part. After all, the idea is to be as boring as a gray rock.

Cons:

According to Campbell, it’s important to note that there’s no scientific evidence to support this method, despite its anecdotal success. “I’ve talked to people who have used this method successfully, but it’s a practice that came out of the community of people who have experienced narcissistic abuse,” he explains.

Plus, if you’re someone who’s easily emotionally influenced by people, this method may not be so easy. Campbell points out that it can take a lot of discipline to master.

Finally, in some cases, this method can have the opposite effect than intended. “It can lead to some very negative reactions from the narcissist,” Campbell says. “You have to be mindful of safety,” Richmond adds. “For some people, this will escalate, so if the abuser doesn’t immediately lose interest, they may use more damaging tactics to deal with you.”

What to do when it doesn’t work.

If the grey rock method doesn’t work, you may need to take a different course of action. Of course, this will depend on the level of negativity you’re dealing with.

“You need to reach out and get support, and tell someone else what’s going on,” says Richmond. “At the lower end of the spectrum, that could be a friend or a neighbor, and at the higher end, the police.”

Campbell adds that in some cases, it’s helpful to deal with the conflict directly, perhaps with the help of a therapist or mediator if healthy communication isn’t happening. And if all else fails, he says, “I’ve heard that it helps to get a coach — someone who has experience with narcissistic abuse and can be there as a support figure during the conflict.”

The key here is to know your boundaries and not tolerate someone violating them. If you think the situation is escalating too far or becoming dangerous, walk away from the situation and seek help immediately.

Bottom Line.

From manipulation to narcissism to general toxicity, the reality is that everyone will experience these things from time to time—sometimes more often, if there are negative people in your life. But the good news is that understanding the Grey Rock Method and learning how to implement it can help you keep toxic people at bay and maintain your boundaries.