“Why don’t you just leave?” is a question that protects those who were unaware of an abusive situation. It makes the abuser seem like a completely different species, and the “I would leave if I were you” mindset confuses abuse with something that a mindset or mantra can change.
Because the truth is that abuse happens so insidiously, you’re like a frog in a pot of cold water that’s slowly being heated—you have no idea by the time it boils.
And when the steam rises, the trauma bond becomes deeply ingrained—physiologically, emotionally, mentally—because your body wants to keep you alive. The trauma bond itself is a survival mechanism, involving some primitive part of your nervous system (over which you have little or no control), and all it cares about is that you don’t die.
Because in an abusive relationship, you can die. Intimate partner violence makes the home a dangerous place, and women are more likely to be killed by someone they know. Statistics from 2018 show that 137 women die every day at the hands of their partner or family member.
Like many words that have made their way into everyday language thanks to therapy talk, trauma bonds should not be underestimated or misused. They are the cornerstone of a toxic relationship, describing the bond that binds an abuser to their abuser, and go far beyond a mentality or something that can be severed overnight.
Note: This piece was written in the context of a sissy relationship for convenience. Abuse can occur in all types of relationships, and abusers and victims can be of any gender or sexuality.
What is Trauma Attachment?
Coined by psychologist Patrick Carnes in 1997, the term trauma attachment describes the dysfunctional attachment that develops as a result of shame, danger, and exploitation in an abusive relationship.
Abusive relationships are punctuated by extreme highs and lows—the honeymoon period and moments of love can feel out of this world, and then the periods of abuse, punishment, and neglect can feel like hell. You never know when you’re doing right or wrong, because the goalposts are constantly shifting without your knowledge. And because you’ve tasted the wonder of life with your partner, you know it wasn’t just a pipe dream. So what do you do? You work harder and harder until you taste bliss again.
You’re addicted, waiting for the next high. Even if sometimes the high is a night of relative peace when you’re allowed to sleep or are left alone. Sometimes your hard work pays off. Other times, it doesn’t. And you get varying levels of “rewards” to keep you on your toes.
Welcome to the world of intermittent reinforcement. The same concept of intermittent reinforcement that pioneering behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner studied with pigeons, where he trained them to peck levers if they received seeds.
Furthermore, you’ve been subjected to intense manipulation, blame, and shame. But you don’t realize this is happening, because you’ve also been actively blaming and shaming yourself. So, in your head, this is your fault.
You’ve been secretly trained not to complain or show that you’ve been hurt after an episode of abuse because you’ve made him feel bad about what he did to you in the first place. You’ve learned to monitor your behaviors so that you don’t appear to be doing anything that might provoke him. You’ve psychoanalyzed him, thinking about how his family or past relationships have caused his paranoia, jealousy, or controlling behavior. And because you know all of this, you’ve put the onus on yourself to be more understanding, to put up with every episode of his tantrums.
In other words, you are loyal. And you hope to win his understanding and love back.
But what’s happening in your nervous system – which is made up of your nerves, your brain, and your spinal cord – is that your nervous system has become inactive, and only activates during times of danger (i.e. abuse). You only feel alive during these episodes of abuse, even if you’re scared, sad, and angry at the same time.
And you think this is love. Then he tells you he loves you so much, and that’s why he can’t help being controlling, jealous, and abusive. So again you think this is love.
Trauma bonds are particularly complex and complicated.
They’re not bonds between people because of shared trauma, or overcoming difficult times together, or people dismissing the arousal and saying they bonded over it. Nor are they the bonds that bind your abuser to you.
WhyTraumaBonusesSoundMoreDangerous
As a psychologist who specializes in helping clients safely leave toxic relationships, I’ve noticed a curious case in which clients have found it more difficult to leave post-COVID. I also remember thinking with colleagues at the start of lockdown whether the pandemic would exacerbate abuse, and wondering what the consequences might be.
Digging deeper into the broader data, the UN has called domestic violence the “hidden pandemic” of 2021. Cases increased by about 8%, according to the American Journal of Emergency Medicine and the National Committee on COVID-19 and Criminal Justice.
Epicenter? Lockdown.
Abusers are typically charming in public and brutal in private. During lockdown, there was no such public outlet for admiration, and proximity to their victims meant more opportunities, and therefore more frequency, for abuse. In addition, chronic unemployment or a major change in financial status can be a major risk factor for intimate partner violence and/or homicide, especially in conjunction with other factors such as substance abuse, victim isolation, and access to guns.
It makes sense that as the frequency of abuse increased within a confined space, the victim’s nervous system would go through continuous rounds of “coming back to life”—the high of the abuse, then the “coming out of the high”—as they had to deal with the pain and suffering, and the physical and mental health consequences. Multiple rounds of exposure like this in my clients led to extreme helplessness and despair. In countries and states where curfews were imposed, and where leaving one’s home was difficult or impossible, this exacerbated the feeling of being unable to do anything other than suffer the abuse.
And the feeling of being in such a situation. Forever.
TheInsidiousFactorThatMakeTraumaRelationshipWorse
Contrary to what everyone says, time doesn’t heal. It doesn’t make things better. Sometimes, time makes things worse.
If you’ve been feeding your body primarily junk food and soda over time, for example, the damage just piles up. So, expose yourself to an aggressor who is increasingly abusive to you, and the pattern will continue.
In a toxic relationship, the abuser plays three roles in what we call the drama triangle. They can be the “savior” who you should be grateful for saving you or helping you become a better person; the “persecutor” who blames you and points out all the things you’re doing wrong; and the “victim” who is going through a really tough time.
You may respond to what the victim says, such as showing them compassion and kindness, only to suddenly find yourself facing the cruel persecutor who cuts you off with their hurtful comments. It’s a confusing time, which makes the eggshells you’re already treading on seem even more dangerous. In this way, the trauma bond is also deepened when you stand by them to explain why they acted the way they did—to the detriment of your self-harm—while blaming yourself even more.
You spend a lot of time engaging in what I call cognitive Photoshop—applying all sorts of mental filters to the situation to make sense of it. Like, “We got through another crisis together, and we’ll come out stronger,” or, “At least he doesn’t hit me,” or, “At least he apologizes sometimes.”
The more sophisticated abusers also know the art of deception, where they lure you in with accountability. They tell you that they want to get better but sometimes their old demons (addiction, their past relationship history) get the better of them. So can you help them take responsibility even if they find it hard to change? And even though every change is partial and fleeting, and they will backslide—and you’ll pay dearly for it—you feel you must help them, or to love them better, until they heal.
The more invested we are, the harder it becomes to walk away. As Annie Duke, a poker champion and author of Quit Smoking, writes, behavioral experiments and real-life situations show that humans are very bad at knowing when to cut their losses. Eventually, after multiple rounds of escalating abuse and subsequent intensification of the trauma bond, you feel exhausted.
Maybe you ran away because you felt unsafe, but it wasn’t planned, so you came back. And every time you come back, you feel like you’re doomed to stay there. (Statistics show that the average abused woman leaves home seven times, and one of those times she might be killed.)
Maybe you’ve called the police and realized the system is rigged against you. It’s dismissed as a domestic problem, a private problem, or a hysterical woman.
Or you’ve realized that you have few resources left inside or around you. You’ve alienated your friends because he’s slowly grooming you to isolate yourself, or because they’re tired of hearing your latest ideas about how to help him. And you’re so afraid of all the other people judging you.
He’s probably been waging a smear campaign against you for a long time, so everyone thinks you’re the reckless one who owes him. You’re the lucky one to have him.
You don’t know where to start, and the trauma bond is quietly working in the background to keep you alive.
But “alive” simply means that you’re functioning, that your heart is beating, and maybe you’re going to work or take care of the kids. “Alive” doesn’t mean you have any quality of life left. You’re just an empty shell.
What to do about it
First, know that you’re not stupid because you’re traumatized, or because you didn’t notice the warning signs in the beginning, or because you didn’t know your boundaries, or how to set them, or even have permission to set them. To stay. To go back — anything. The abuse started so insidiously that saying or doing anything at first would have seemed petty and even crazy — and the abuse was specifically designed that way to break you.
Yes, you may be incredibly educated and professionally successful, and you should have known better. But guess what? You’re the demographic that abusers are looking for.
Everyone has their weak spots, so your job is to shore up that weak spot in your defense system — like getting a fancy “toxic people detector” and focusing on the people who matter especially yourself.
As someone who does this professionally with my clients, and has been through the same thing, the truth is that leaving is no small task. First of all, you’ll have a trauma bond to deal with. He will tell you it’s over for you, especially if he threatens you with the consequences of leaving you, or that you’re nothing without him. You may have charted your career path, but somehow along the way, he may have convinced you that he made you. True story.
Plus, it’s always easier to live with and adjust to a known bad situation (abuse) than the big unknown of your new life.
With all that acknowledged, here are the things you’ll need to do.
Turn off your devices, and change your passwords; if possible, get new ones.
Reach out to trusted, unbiased support. Tell them, “I was in a terrible situation, and I’m sorry I neglected our relationship. What can I do to reconnect?” And know that it’s okay to ignore all the horrible, biased people who will tell you, “I told you so.”
Document your situation with your doctor and/or a domestic violence shelter, and do a risk assessment.
Write down a list of everything he’s done to you; you’ll need this list. Create a timeline of the abuse so you know when it’s getting worse.
Hire a professional to help you recover, especially to appear reliable in custody or cross-examination cases since trauma can make the abused person seem unreliable or moody.
Hire a professional to help you leave safely. This includes logistics, thinking about who else to involve (such as lawyers, real estate agents, and brokers), child and pet safety, and what to say. Most importantly, they can help you chart your path forward so you know you have a new chapter to look forward to.
Every day, do something small to get yourself back on track. Better yet, say something small stupid, or petty. Maybe you forgot what it feels like to drink your favorite coffee because he always asks for it. Or maybe he won’t let you wear your favorite dresses or lipstick.
