I’ve seen the “Jonah Hill is not the hill you want to die on” meme go viral, where he used therapy language to emotionally manipulate. In case you missed it, he used his disapproval of his ex-girlfriend’s clothing and friends as “boundaries,” to pressure her to change her lifestyle.
As someone who has an abusive, mentally ill ex-partner, and as a therapist who works with abuse victims, I hear these stories of weaponized therapy a lot.
As mental health awareness and acceptance become more normalized, therapy language has crept into our everyday language. We’re increasingly aware of seeing life through a mental health lens—but therapy language comes with its risks.
Sometimes it’s unintentional, and other times, it’s weaponized.
What is therapy language?
“Therapy language” is when people use psychological, therapeutic, or mental health language in everyday conversations.
Terms like “boundary,” “abuse,” “mental illness,” and “trauma” are used, and we’re more likely to share our experiences of mental health, from anxiety to depression to bipolar disorder.
Sometimes it can feel like everyone is suddenly a mental health expert—or trying to counsel each other.
This language creeps heavily into relationship dynamics, and unfortunately, it’s often used carelessly, enthusiastically, and overly persuasively, while lacking depth of understanding.
Healthy Therapy Talk
Healthy Therapy Talk is open to reflection, revision, and education, and is used thoughtfully. Here, everyday language is more intentional, and therapy talk may only be used when it’s defined for the other party, or if there’s an understanding that both parties understand the concept being discussed. It can also be more experiential, rather than prescriptive.
Examples include:
“How would you like me to show up for you?” (vs. popping up and insisting that you’re doing something for them.)
“Do you need support to solve a problem or a listening ear?” (vs. getting on target and offering unsolicited opinions that start with “You should…”)
“I have a suggestion/idea, would you like me to say it?” (vs. vomiting your thoughts.)
“Based on what you’ve told me, this person sounds like they’re doing something bad.” (vs. immediately declaring the person abusive or narcissistic.)
“As an introvert, this might be hard for you to do.” (vs., “You’re all introverts like that.”)
“It’s okay if you want to be vulnerable and tell me more; you don’t need to go through this alone.” (vs. forcing someone to tell you everything.)
What is weaponized therapeutic talk?
Therapeutic talk can quickly and/or easily turn into something else that is used to support your position in the current cultural zeitgeist. Or worse, it is used to manipulate and hurt someone. In these cases, therapeutic talk becomes weaponized.
Here are some examples of some of these situations:
- Misuse of Boundaries and Trauma
Boundaries refer to “absolute rejection,” or things you are not willing to accept about how people treat you. Boundaries do not refer to how you package your hatred and disapproval of someone’s control over your life.
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Recently, I have seen everything blamed on trauma. Not everything leads to trauma, and not everyone experiences trauma from the same event.
By definition, trauma is an event that is so disturbing or upsetting to the nervous system that your mind and body continue to re-experience the same situation/symptoms over and over as if they were still stuck in the initial event. “Major” trauma often occurs when we are in danger of losing our lives, witnessing someone losing their lives, or being abused; Complex PTSD is often caused by repeated incidents, where the “c” stands for “complex.”
“Micro” trauma develops from common life experiences like grief and job loss to seemingly happy experiences like immigration or job promotions.
- Labeling everyone an “abuser,” every relationship “toxic,” or everything “manipulative”
While we shouldn’t ask someone to prove they were abused or hurt, we shouldn’t be so quick to label everything as abusive or toxic. We all have toxic behaviors, and sometimes even the best and most aware of us do hurtful things. What matters is that we work with awareness to repair the damage and make the relationship stronger.
When someone is an abuser, it means they consistently act in ways that hurt you mentally, physically, sexually, financially, emotionally, and/or spiritually. Furthermore, there is no attempt to fix it, and you are simply told you are crazy or sensitive. Any repair is partial and fleeting, and you will pay for it. This person is probably doing it on purpose and getting sadistic pleasure from it.
Similarly, when a relationship is toxic, it means that it is constantly bad for you; this person doesn’t need to validate some or all of the dark personality traits.
When someone deceives you, they are intentionally messing with your opinion of reality, so you stop trusting yourself and trust them instead. So, someone accidentally giving you false information, or lying to you once, is not necessarily deceiving you.
- Manipulating you to get you in the right place
Some people may use psychotherapy to appear intellectually or morally superior or force mental health diagnoses on you to get you in the right place.
For example, “This is your anxiety talking; you are an anxious person and therefore __.” This is manipulation.
4.“You need to help me take responsibility”
Accountability is a great thing—when the party in question is genuinely interested in staying accountable and has enough integrity and responsibility to live up to it. However, dark personality types love to use it to their ends. They are not interested in changing, and they cannot change.
However, telling you that you need to help them take responsibility to be a better person (i.e. less questionable behavior or less abusive behavior), increases your attachment to them.
You believe that because decent people are accountable, they will be too. But when a dark personality type commits another transgression and you bring it up to them (the way they asked you to!), they will tell you things like, “You know I can’t help myself,” or “I can’t promise I can change because I don’t know if I can.” Then, it’s like Groundhog Day all over again, except you remember how awful it all was as it gets worse
Your current state of mind or emotional state may prompt you to ask for accommodations, such as “I get overwhelmed easily in loud places; can we go somewhere quieter and calmer with great coffee?” or “I’ll pay extra for an aisle seat because a window seat makes me feel more uncomfortable,” or “I’m feeling stressed today, so I might get distracted sometimes; please understand.”
This is not a free pass to get away with bad behavior.
- Saying things like “We’re all autistic/ADHD” or “Everyone is a narcissist, so we’re all toxic people.”
You’re either neurodiverse or you’re not. Casually saying “We’re all autistic/ADHD” belittles the experiences of those who struggle with it every day because their neurological makeup makes it difficult for them to function in ways that normal people take for granted.
Yes, some neurodiverse people do cope better in everyday life, often through hard work and luck, but that doesn’t mean you should ask them to prove their cases. Beneath the seemingly calm waters, someone is paddling wildly and regularly getting burned by it.
Similarly, we may have some narcissistic or psychopathic traits — which can be helpful — but they don’t qualify as a personality disorder. A personality disorder is when this pervades every area of your functioning, from your self-image to your career to your relationships.
- Comparing Your Cases
I’ve noticed two distinct forms of comparison when it comes to mental health conditions. One camp likes to play the “I don’t have [symptoms/thoughts/actions]” role, almost to pity or ridicule someone else, even if they have the same general condition.
But the symptoms manifest differently. For example, one person’s primary panic attack experience might be heart palpitations and thinking they’re having a heart attack. Others might feel hot or suffocated and think they need to run.
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The other camp is what I call the “race to the bottom.” This is when people start to devalue others by talking about how bad they are as if it’s a competition—or dismissing someone else’s experiences because they have more resources. The common saying “What’s making you depressed? You have plenty in life” comes to mind.
Don’t discriminate against bouts of poor mental health based on your resources, gender, color, or education.
- “It’s self-care”
Self-care is a great thing to do because if we don’t support our brains and bodies, we won’t be able to take care of our other responsibilities. However, pressuring someone to drink, shop, or stay up late for the sake of self-care is just plain wrong. I’ve seen people offer recovering addicts drugs under the guise of “self-care” or “rewarding yourself for your hard work.” This is escapism and self-soothing.
Self-care isn’t a stress response, and it’s not like bubble baths or unicorn lattes — unless they help you feel better. Instead, self-care refers to the less glamorous, more boring things you do to keep your life and mind in order — grooming, finances, deep breathing, moving, eating relatively well, drinking water, etc.
- Turning the therapy room into an abuse arena
Toxic personality types can be so charming and charismatic that when they go to couples counseling, they present their abused partners in a bad light. Already shattered in their spirit, and with the accumulated damage from the trauma constantly being replayed, the abused partner can easily seem like the bad guy. What’s more, mental health professionals trained to spot dark personality types or treat trauma can miss these dynamics entirely.
And so these abused partners mistakenly believe that therapy will save the relationship and that the toxic partner is moving forward with going to therapy, all while being subjected to further abuse in a new environment.
- Expect Your Mental Health Professional Friend to Be Your Free Therapist
“How are your active listening skills?” someone once made fun of me. We were hanging out, and I listened enough and expressed that I didn’t have enough time to talk about this topic they were repeating. More importantly, I wasn’t in the position of a coach or a therapist—I was a normal human being.
I knew that this mockery was designed to hurt. So I said, “Sure, am I going to send you a bill now? We’ll talk about it.” They stopped.
You see, just because someone is doing something professionally doesn’t mean they have the same obligation to perform that role with you when they’re off duty. Just because they can see things through their professional lens (like spotting mental health patterns right away) doesn’t mean they should express them.
What to Do If Someone Is Weaponizing Therapy
If something feels wrong, it means it’s wrong. Trust your gut. Victims of toxic people always tell me that they felt something was wrong from the start but justified it, so don’t do it.
Next, know that you have permission to say no gracefully—most people who are afraid to say no tend to think otherwise.
When people pressure me to be a free therapist, for example, I tell them that this is a privilege I reserve for my clients. To respect my energy and their investment, I don’t go into therapist mode when I’m off-duty. I sometimes give the analogy that if I were dating a dentist, I wouldn’t expect him to give me a root canal while we were having dinner at a three-Michelin-starred restaurant. Anyone who disputes that must have some merit.
If you think this person might be using therapy as an unintentional weapon, you can educate them. Start with, “From what I understand, [concept] refers to _. Therefore, this does not apply here. What do you think?”
If you think they are doing it intentionally, you can say:
“This is not something I want to discuss with you.” (You can also add, “When I do, I’ll let you know.”)
“You can ask me questions, and if I don’t want to answer, I’ll let you know.”
“I already have professionals I pay to deal with these things. Let’s spend our time together talking about something we both enjoy.” (My personal favorite.)
If necessary, with a toxic person, just walk away completely. You don’t owe them anything.
How to Avoid Using Therapy as a Weapon
A one-time statement that someone might be acting differently because of something going on in their life is empathy and awareness based on patterns of human experience. Constantly analyzing what someone is doing, thinking, or feeling because of childhood issues or some other traumatic event is patronizing and unnecessary.
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There’s a reason mental health professionals go to school for so long and continue to educate throughout their careers—because we shouldn’t assume or force certain models or theories on people. Most importantly, you’re not a therapist or counselor. It’s not your job to treat or solve someone’s problems.
Think about the broad range of therapeutic language you use, if any. Is it about communication, relationships, or mental health diagnoses? Get educated about it and know that viral TikToks won’t always tell you the truth.
Speak in everyday language as simply as possible. Don’t assume you’re on the same page when someone uses a certain term—ask them what they think they mean.
If you want to mention your diagnosis, do it in a supportive way. For example, as someone with ADHD, I might invite someone to walk and talk with me because it helps my mind focus better. I might also tell them that if they catch me drawing, I’m listening; the physical act keeps my mind focused, and I’m not being rude.
In this way, I focus on making it a win-win for me, for the other person, and the relationship. I always end with, “What do you think?” so we can find common ground. If you’re currently experiencing higher levels of anxiety, you can say, “I’m feeling terrible today, so please don’t take it personally. If you see me distracted, you can call me to come back down to earth.” Always make it a two-way street. How much information someone wants to give you, or how much they want to think about a situation, is up to them. You can say that the terms of your engagement are always open to review or discussion so that neither of you feels trapped in the dynamic you’ve created.
