From your toxic boss to your emotionally unavailable ex, the term “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot. While we all have the potential to exhibit some narcissistic traits, true pathological narcissism goes beyond that and is identified as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
Here’s how to spot a narcissist, plus expert-backed tips for dealing with them, so you can regain some peace.
WhatIsNarcissisticPersonalityDisorder?
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by grandiosity, entitlement, anger, and a lack of empathy. As psychologist Ketan Parmar, M.D., B.S., tells mindbodygreen, “Narcissism is a personality trait that exists on a spectrum from healthy to pathological.”
Parmar notes that healthy narcissism is normal and can even create a balanced sense of self-worth and confidence—but pathological narcissism refers to an excessive and distorted sense of self-importance and entitlement that can turn toxic.
Here are some common signs of narcissism:
An exaggerated sense of self-importance
An exaggerated appreciation of talents, skills, and abilities
A constant desire for praise, admiration, attention, and external validation
A sense of entitlement to special privileges and exceptions
A grandiose, arrogant, contemptuous, and conceited attitude
A willingness to exploit, control, and manipulate others for personal gain
Grand delusions of unlimited success, power, and beauty
An idealized self-image characterized by perfection, superiority, and ego
Strong feelings of envy and competition
A desire to form certain relationships with the sole purpose of furthering one’s interests
Refusal to take responsibility and a tendency to blame others
Lack of healthy boundaries and disregard for the boundaries set by others
Lack of self-awareness
When criticized, the response is sometimes angry and violent
It is important to note that an individual may have some of these traits to varying degrees but to meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, these symptoms must be severe enough to impair their functioning and personal relationships.
How Narcissistic Personality Disorder Shows Up in Relationships
According to existing research
on narcissism, self-esteem, and love, while narcissists enjoy the attention and satisfaction that a romantic relationship provides, they are unable to truly care for another human being and do not appreciate the emotional demands of a relationship.
Their inflated sense of self needs constant validation from romantic alternatives, making them resistant to commitment and, in some cases, prone to playing games as a tactic to create emotional distance.
Another study
exploring the lives of women in long-term intimate relationships with a narcissistic partner revealed physical and psychological abuse, social isolation, and financial exploitation. The abuse had a profound negative impact on their independence, sense of self, and mental and emotional well-being.
Any challenge to a narcissistic partner’s superiority, sense of control, or distorted perception of reality can trigger a violent response
. To avoid conflict, you may feel like you have to walk on eggshells and constantly sabotage your needs to accommodate their volatile nature.
This pattern can lead to hypervigilance and permanent emotional trauma. Despite the abuse, the complete loss of agency over time is why you continue to stay in a relationship long after its expiration date.
According to Parmar, narcissists also deceive their partners, and while the relationship may start with love bombing, it will eventually move into devaluation. The narcissist repeats the cycle of rejection, discarding, and then love bombing again.
“Narcissists may initially shower their partners with praise, attention, and affection, making them feel special and loved. However, this phase doesn’t last long,” Parmar says. “Once [the narcissist] feels bored or threatened by their partner’s independence or accomplishments, they may turn to criticizing, ignoring, or humiliating them.”
Given the narcissist’s unpredictable and controlling nature and the lack of any real emotional intimacy in the relationship, you may feel anxious and depressed as the relationship continues.
How to Deal with a Narcissist
- Educate Yourself About the Subject
Narcissists, with their superficial charm and soft confidence, often make a great first impression. Beyond manipulation and manipulation, when communication turns toxic, you may find yourself feeling confused and questioning your judgment. To deal with a narcissist, it’s essential to understand the behavior and patterns they represent. Take the time to learn the signs of narcissism and the manipulation tactics a narcissist uses. Understand the cycles of abuse you may fall into — learning how narcissism works can also help you get out of the situation before it’s too late.
Another thing that can be very helpful is understanding the qualities in you that attract narcissists and how to prevent that from happening again.
- Stock up on your mental and physical reserves
Dealing with a narcissist can wear you down physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. So, before you go into battle, make sure your arsenal is fully loaded.
This means taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health and well-being. Get plenty of exercise and journal to self-reflect and release your feelings.
Grounding exercises can also help calm and manage anxiety. You can also counteract the emotional impact of a narcissist by shifting your focus to your dreams and aspirations. Actively nourishing yourself will keep you mentally healthy and emotionally engaged in something positive.
- Boost your sense of self
Narcissists project their guilt onto others, manipulate them, and exploit them—and when faced with criticism, they resort to physical and mental intimidation. When dealing with a narcissist, you must maintain a clear and strong sense of self.
A clear self-identity will help you deal effectively with the narcissist’s persuasive tactics and do so without losing yourself in the process. High self-esteem will also motivate you to stand up for yourself and confidently prioritize your well-being, whatever that means to you.
- Find Community and Support
Even with a healthy sense of self, dealing with narcissistic abuse can be exhausting and stressful. Creating a support network (whether it’s through seeking therapy, joining a support group, or simply talking to friends and family) can help you cope better. Your loved ones can be your safe space and a reminder of what it feels like to be around people who truly care about you.
- Create and enforce boundaries
Boundaries are important in every relationship, but when dealing with a narcissist, they can act as barriers to your mental health.
“Set clear boundaries and communicate them firmly. Clearly define what behavior is acceptable and what is not,” suggests licensed marriage and family therapist Marty Hozier. “Stick to your boundaries and be prepared to enforce consequences if they are crossed.”
As psychoanalyst Laurie Holman says, when talking to a narcissist, be a good listener and open up potentially difficult conversations with compliments. When communicating your boundaries, do so calmly and kindly and be willing to listen.
Narcissists do not tolerate criticism, so when they violate your boundaries, explain how your health and emotions have been affected, but direct your words at their actions, not their character.
- Don’t Take Their Criticism Personally
As mentioned earlier, narcissists have no idea who they are or how others perceive them. So, the negativity they feel in a relationship with a narcissist is really about them—not you. Their reactions are about their distorted worldview.
They tend to project their guilt onto others and deny accountability when faced with the consequences of their words and actions.
As painful as it may be to receive blame and baseless accusations, try to remain emotionally detached. When you know that their expectations are coming from an unhealthy place, it will be easier to not let such interactions affect your self-image.
Also, remind yourself what a healthy, mutual relationship feels like—this can be the catalyst you need to take action in your dealings with the narcissist.
- Use the “Grey Rocker” Technique
According to Parmar, “Grey rocker is a technique that involves becoming as dull and uninteresting as possible to the narcissist. Avoid giving them any positive or negative feedback that they can feed off of.” He also explains that responding with short, neutral, and factual statements will help you avoid unnecessary drama and conflict with them.
If the gray rocker fails to have the desired effect, don’t slip into an emotional response. This is typical of narcissists who will often try to change the narrative, which can create a sense of emotional vertigo, says Sarah Sloan, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
“Narcissists use emotional manipulation, such as emotional manipulation, to try to confuse what happened to evade responsibility,” says Sloan. “So the best thing you can do in an argument with a narcissist is to keep going back to the facts, over and over again.”
- Have a clear plan of action
One way narcissists like to boost their self-esteem
is by controlling others. It gives them a sense of superiority. They will try to trigger strong emotional responses, and as you feel out of control, the narcissist will use the situation to further manipulate you.
They may use the moment to blame you, invalidate you, or drag you into a long-term fight that feeds their need for attention.
So don’t react rashly to a narcissist. Instead, come up with a clear plan of action, keeping your expectations for the relationship in mind. Choose strategies that fit your situation, the narcissist you’re dealing with, and their chosen attack tactics. Develop skills that will help you assert yourself and engage in confrontation without spiraling into a spiral.
- Consider Ending Contact
Even with all your care, compassion, and support, you may not be able to heal a narcissist. Staying in such a relationship can break your spirit, which will do you no good.
If you find yourself feeling drained and exhausted—and if that’s a viable option—consider walking away from the relationship and ending all contact. If leaving isn’t an option, set boundaries that limit contact.
- Seek Professional Help
It’s highly recommended that you seek the help of a mental health professional when dealing with a narcissist. According to Houser, “A mental health professional can provide you with guidance, support, and strategies tailored to your specific situation.”
If possible, convince the narcissist to see a professional as well, but don’t get involved if they refuse. Because they lack empathy, narcissists don’t care much about how their behavior affects others. They’re also very resistant to any kind of self-reflection, and they refuse to see themselves as anything less than perfect. All of this will make it very difficult for you to convince them to seek help.
