People in toxic one-on-one relationships often tell me that this isn’t their first time — it mirrors their family of origin. Phrases like “My partner is the male version of my mother” or “I’m dating a male version of my father” often arise because of the repetition compulsion, as the mind tries to heal from the trauma by going through similar situations.
While some clients have long since escaped their toxic families of origin, others find it much more difficult. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how accomplished you are — some families are incredibly powerful in terms of their wealth, resources, and ability to mobilize the larger family to keep you under their thumb. I see this especially amplified in my adult clients from high-net-worth families. The common denominator is that you’re left exhausted, confused, and disturbed.
Why, you ask? Because a toxic family needs different people to play different roles. One of them is the scapegoat. This scapegoat is blamed for everything, and their triumphs and history are erased. If necessary, the toxic family keeps the scapegoat, preventing him from leaving, rather than planting a new one.
Leaving such a toxic family is not just a matter of willpower (in fact, nothing is a matter of willpower alone), but rather acknowledging the long-term damage done and exacerbated, being clear with yourself, and having a wise strategy.
While you can understand a lot of things logically, you only understand them when you internalize them emotionally—and part of that starts with emotionally identifying the cognitive traps that keep you stuck.
CognitiveTraps101
- They’re Not “All Bad”
You’ll point out in your head all the good times and the good times. You may still be walking on eggshells and they were passive-aggressive, but at least you didn’t break. That’s how low your standards are.
The truth is that the good times come from so many assets that it’s a bitter pill to swallow. Sometimes they bombard you with love until you’re so bombarded with “kindness” that you don’t have the space or time to think. Amid these experiences, they groom you by telling you things about yourself that you shouldn’t believe, or secretly eroding your boundaries in small doses (if you bring them up you’ll look mean).
Sometimes the good times are just an act, so they have some rings to fall back on about how well they’ve treated you. Other times, they’re throwing you a bone so you can have some fun with them. Then there may be times in your life when they were incredibly supportive and kind to you, because they want to take advantage of your reflected glory, or because you provide them with comfort and support. And because you’ve had good times before, you firmly believe that they’re not all bad.
- They Don’t Mean to Hurt Me, They’re Just Being Ignorant
This is especially true if they tell you they’re going through a tough time, like a health issue, although these individuals are no strangers to making up stories. They may blame substances or a recent tragedy and tell you that you should be supportive as they try to get better.
These feelings are sweetened with multiple text messages like “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” and “You know I care deeply about you.” The thing about the trauma bond is that they live for affirmations like these, regardless of whether your rational self knows full well that talk is cheap. Also, because you’re trying your best to be a decent human being, you unfortunately commit the logical fallacy of extending that assumption to everyone, giving them more chances than they deserve.
- I’m so tired, I should give up
Often, the whole family is mobilized—they come down to your house unannounced, send a thousand group chat messages either to lure you in or to secretly tell you that you’ve been left out and then sometimes your friends are completely fooled. You see, the smear campaign has been going on long enough that by the time you discover the lies you have to defend yourself against, the perceptions have been planted too deeply.
You’re tired and confused. Then when you’re provoked, you sometimes find 4. They’re doing it for my good
The words they use make perfect sense about why they’re doing what they’re doing, even if it hurts you, which they then conclude with the words, “I care about you.” In your head, you’re referring to all the times you’ve stumbled and fallen in your life.
Even though we all have bad moments and events, you are an overly responsible person, and you think that’s why someone needs to love you so harshly. Or they’ve repeated (over and over) your less glorious moments. They tell you that you don’t know any better. Otherwise, they’re always stealing your credit and power, so you think you’re useless, and that someone should step in.
- Just One More Time
When the trauma bond comes online, no matter how clear and determined you were yesterday, a trigger pounces and the traumatized part of you starts to take over, your fear center hijacks you, and your body acts as if it’s the present, right down to the sounds, sights, and smells.
Because trauma isn’t just what happened to you, it’s what’s being repeated over and over in your body; apply the principle of compound interest to acknowledge the burden you’ve carried.
The traumatized part of you wants to believe that with just one more chance you’ll be better off. You refer to the good old days, the miracles you’ve read about, and ideas like “good things come to those who wait.” The reality is that the longer you’re stuck in this, the harder it is to get out of it.
- I need to have my say
Yes, you will get angry at blatant injustice and rudeness. Standing up for yourself with respectable people can mean enforcing boundaries. But toxic people thrive on repeatedly eroding boundaries, and holding them accountable is what keeps you trapped.
When we’re dealing with one toxic person, that’s just one complicated enough relationship; but in a family of six, there are 15 relationships to deal with, with people who want to hurt you no less. That’s enough to cripple someone. And everything you tell them to hold them accountable gives them more ammunition for what hurts you, so they know how to get better at hurting you.
- I have to be a loyal family member
This means—depending on how you’ve been trained—not cheating, not washing dirty laundry, and knowing your place. Sometimes, when you do, they also reward you with crumbs of kindness or decency, known as intermittent reinforcement.
Other rewards like inheritance, resources, and privileges may be withheld; Otherwise, the fear of being separated from your family of origin may be enough to scare you away. In other words, you enable them and they hold you back.
- I should stay small
Psychologist Jay Hendrix, Ph.D., writes that we often run into “limit problems” that prevent us from thriving, one of which is our fear of outshining others. In the case of toxic families, this is magnified.
They don’t just take credit for you and steal your shine, they also erase your victories. They may even take credit for your successes, or compete with you. So you’ve been programmed to receive the message: You should stay small.
Unfortunately, this is a vicious cycle. Because the smaller you are, the smaller your world shrinks. You lose your opportunities, your friends, your loved ones, and your courage. And when that happens, the more your toxic family believes that you should stay small because it’s the only safe option; they’re all you have.
How to Get Out of the Trap
- Know Your Triggers
You’re going to get triggered because you’re human; Any flesh-and-blood person—no matter how mentally strong—will be provoked in such a situation. So the sooner you accept that the less you’ll have to fight with yourself when you’re provoked. Figure out what types of interactions (especially neglect, exclusion, or abandonment) hurt you the most, and plan for them. During these episodes, stick to the simplest forms of self-care. Move, stay hydrated, and eat relatively nutritious food, because you’ll resist it. The trick isn’t to see this as an all-or-nothing situation; it’s to measure progress.
Note: Are your triggers less intense? Are you less triggered? Are you triggered for shorter periods? Are you able to recover more quickly?
- Write a note to yourself about those trigger times
In The Big Bang Theory, protagonist Sheldon Cooper makes a video of his future self because he’s convinced he’s rapidly descending into madness. The clip begins with the line, “Dear Crazy Future Sheldon, I’ve been driven mad by an earworm. Your mind, once your most trusted asset, is now a bag of parrots and monkeys.” It then goes on to detail instructions like who to trust and where to find what.
In the same vein, write a letter that begins “Dear Motivated Future Self,” and be sure to read it over as needed. Things you could write include: Here’s what you believe now; Here’s what you’re going through now; Here’s what you need to know about how we think during our most lucid times;
Here’s what you should believe; Here’s how you should take care of yourself.
- Make a list of all the bad things they did
Someone who has been abused has a strange positivity bias, where we ignore and explain away negative interactions, and inflate the positive moments. This is opposite to how the human brain exhibits negativity bias – we inflate all the bad things.
So, make a list of all the bad things they did. If you spend a lot of time justifying why they did what they did, you’re doing what I call cognitive Photoshop, which is a sign that someone is doing something bad and you’re covering it up.
- Pick Your Battles: Lose the Battle, Win the War
Contrary to how we’ve been taught to move in or defend ourselves all the time, this can sometimes lead to more messes to clean up – especially if they come from a place of fear, trauma, or anxiety. Giving up on one battle doesn’t make you weak. These battles coming at you from every direction are specifically designed as a guerrilla attack to break you down and drain your energy, and not taking the bait means you’re conserving energy and responding from a wise place.
Don’t think that just because you can recover from every trigger episode, you should. I always use this analogy: Imagine someone drives by your house and dumps manure on your doorstep every day—just because you can hire someone to clean it up doesn’t mean you should allow that behavior in the first place.
The Taoist principle of wu wei—when you don’t do something, you do something—can guide you here. Otherwise, follow the adage, “Not my circus, not my monkey.” So you lose the battle, but you win the war.
- Distance Yourself Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally
Maybe you don’t need to be in the same house or city, and distance keeps you safe and sanity. Or maybe you don’t need to respond to them 24/7, or even see their actions on your phone – so muting can restore a lot of mental energy.
If possible, block. But I realize that’s not always an option. In this case, keep your face up – you’ll have to practice being your PR spokesperson and reacting realistically to the situation. And remember, no matter what, expect bad behavior from them, and dismiss good or acceptable behavior as traps or coincidence.
- Remember your (growing) power, and remember your gains
Along the way, you’ll see your progress, and you need to acknowledge that to fuel further progress. Thank yourself for being there for you; you could have chosen the path of least resistance, which is submission.
As you grow, you’ll remember your strengths, all your talents, and the hard work you’ve somehow learned to silence along the way. Celebrate them, and make your newfound momentum a force to be reckoned with.
- Practice being your future self
Between now and freeing yourself from the smoke-and-mirrors circus that is your family, you need to practice being your future self. People don’t suddenly become happy and good with money when they win the lottery, just as you don’t automatically become a more fulfilled person when you lose the extra pounds you’ve been meaning to lose.
We need to learn to bridge the gap between our present and future selves, and that means figuring out what mindsets we need to gain or lose, what environments we need to design, and what habits we need to stick to.
Sometimes, that’s learning to talk to yourself kindly, the way you would talk to a loved one. Other times, it can be helpful to learn how to break free from your isolation if your toxic family has made it harder for you to be around the people you love. In this way, you train the pathways in your brain and body to prepare for your bright future.
Conclusion
It can take a long time to leave toxic families. You will doubt yourself, so you have to keep reminding yourself of who you are. Sometimes you will need to have your heart broken by their patterns of cruelty enough before your resolve hardens and you decide to walk away.
No matter what, know that escape is possible and that true freedom lies in winning the mental game. Keep the faith, step by step, breath by breath.
Along the way, you will see so many gains in your health and vitality, and in the things you can do with yourself and the people you love. You will shine.
