While every family unit is bound to go through some struggles, there are times when those struggles turn toxic. If you think you might be dealing with a toxic family member (or family), we asked the experts how to tell, as well as how to deal with them. Here’s what they had to say.
WhatDoesItReallyMeanToBeToxic?
First things first: What does it mean to be toxic? As Dr. Perpetua Neo, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, writes, “A toxic person is someone who regularly exhibits actions and behaviors that hurt others or negatively impact the lives of those around them, and is often the primary instigator of a toxic relationship.”
That said, we can come up with a definition of a toxic family as well: a toxic family is one in which family members regularly exhibit actions that hurt or negatively impact each other.
Neo adds that it’s important to distinguish between being toxic and acting toxic, noting that “the former is when we are toxic in our personality and actively enjoy hurting others; the latter is consistent with aspects of our behavior.”
However, being around toxic people—especially within your home and/or family—can be detrimental to anyone’s mental health.
9 Signs of a Toxic Family Member or Household:
- They’re Abusive.
To start with, any type of abuse—physical, mental, or emotional—is a sign of a toxic person and environment. Psychotherapist Annette Nunez, Ph.D., LMFT, and licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Zarr, LMFT, CST, both make this point, as abuse is at the far end of the spectrum of toxicity and is arguably the worst in terms of how it affects a person.
Anyone who uses verbal words to make another family member feel inferior is displaying toxicity (also known as verbal abuse), Nunez says, adding that even violent behavior that isn’t directed at you (i.e., punching a hole in the wall) is still unacceptable and a big red flag.
- You feel depressed or anxious around them.
Another big sign of a toxic family member or household is how you feel around them. As we mentioned, this can include a range of feelings, from depression to anxiety to low self-esteem and feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.
“The biggest sign that you’re in a toxic family dynamic is the way you feel, whether you’re around your family or in anticipation of seeing your family,” explains Zarr. Other feelings to watch out for, she adds, are low self-esteem, feeling helpless around your family, and irritability.
- They’re always criticizing or blaming you.
If a family member is always criticizing or blaming you and never takes responsibility for themselves, this is a sign of a toxic individual. As Nunez explains, they may always play the victim, say everything is always your fault, or avoid responsibility at all costs.
- They’re manipulative.
If someone is toxic, you can bet they’ll be manipulative, which can look like a lot of different things. They may be deceiving you, making you feel guilty, and/or being generally controlling. “If a family member is manipulating you or making you feel guilty or bad for not doing something, that’s another trait of a toxic family member,” Nunez explains.
- Punishment is unjustifiably harsh.
Discipline is certainly a necessary part of parenting, but when discipline becomes too harsh, it can be a sign of toxicity. As Zar explains, there can be harsh punishments when you don’t follow the rules, whether they’re explicit or implicit. For example, you notice that you might miss a call from your parent, which leads to weeks of passive-aggressive behavior.
- Family members or household members may be unpredictable.
Zar says that unpredictability is another sign of a toxic household, leading to the aforementioned feeling of “walking on eggshells” in your home. “Everything might be fine and everyone is smiling, and then you hit a landmine and everything explodes,” she explains.
- They ignore your needs.
Our homes should be spaces where we can be vulnerable and express our needs. If that kind of energy isn’t there, and “it doesn’t feel safe to ask for your needs and have your voice heard,” Zar says, then that points to a toxic environment and/or household member.
- There’s a sense of competition.
Toxic families can also breed an unhealthy amount of competition, especially between siblings. As Nunez previously explained to MBG, perfectionism can border on emotional abuse, and comparing siblings to each other can have extremely negative effects on children and their self-esteem.
- They’re controlling.
Last but not least, a general theme of controlling behavior, usually on the part of one parent (though certainly not unheard of among siblings), is also a sign of a toxic family. This can look like belittling someone’s choices, having unattainably high standards, and conditional love. (See our guide on how to deal with controlling parents for more information.)
How a Toxic Home Affects Your Mental Health.
From childhood onward, being in a toxic environment or around toxic family members will quickly take its toll. According to Nunez, this can lead to depression, anxiety, and a general feeling of “walking on eggshells” in your home.
Related : 19 Signs Of A Toxic Relationship & What To Do If You’re In One
“It can also affect self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, and self-love,” she tells mbg. “Oftentimes, when someone is in a toxic family or has a toxic family member, it’s a very anxious environment, which affects the way they view their home and their family but also other people and the world in general.” Having a toxic family has far-reaching effects, as Zar explains that it can even affect your attachment style. “Being in an unsafe environment for a long time can have a long-term impact. This can show up in other relationships—you might notice that it’s really hard to get close to others, that you’re sabotaging yourself when it comes to relationships, or that you have a hard time trusting others,” she explains.
How to Deal with Toxic Relatives.
When it comes to dealing with toxic relatives at the moment, Nunez says it’s important to first define your boundaries so you can recognize and respond to them when they’re crossed. From there, when your boundaries are crossed, you have one of two options: withdraw, or confront it head-on (of course, knowing the latter is the more volatile option).
Nunez notes that toxic family members often want you to get involved — almost like they enjoy it. “It’s really important to define your boundaries and communicate those boundaries to the individual — that’s the bare minimum,” she says. “But if things aren’t going well, withdraw.”
“Give yourself permission to say, ‘Hey, I’m feeling angry or upset, and I need to talk about this,’” licensed psychotherapist Babita Spinelli, LP, previously suggested to MBG. Nunez adds that it’s also a good idea to soften your tone by using non-directive language, and using “I” statements instead of “you” statements (e.g., “I feel sad when you make negative comments about me,” instead of “You’re always criticizing me and making me feel like crap.”).
And remember, no matter how the conversation goes, you can only control your actions. And while that means the other person in question may respond in a toxic way, you can control how you respond. “It’s really important to give yourself control,” Nunez says. “You’re in control of your behaviors, actions, and thoughts, not the toxic person. So if you feel like someone is blaming you or making you feel inferior, that’s their business.”
How to Overcome a Toxic Family:
- Set boundaries.
According to both Nunez and Zar, overcoming toxic family dynamics ultimately comes down to your boundaries and how well you stick to them. “You can do that as an adult in a way that you couldn’t as a child, and oftentimes in families that have been toxic our entire lives, we get stuck in that feeling we had as a young child. It takes some work to acknowledge that you’re an adult now and you can set boundaries,” Zar explains.
- Empower yourself.
There’s also an important element of self-empowerment that we’d be wrong to overlook. As Zar explains, we think setting boundaries looks like, “Hey, Mom, don’t call me while I’m at work,” but what it looks like is, “If you call me during the workday, I won’t answer.” Or, for another example, instead of, “Can you please not bring up politics around me?” you might say, “I won’t engage in political conversations.”
Related : Soul Ties: What They Are, Signs To Watch Out For + How To Break One
The difference is that boundaries aren’t a question; they’re a clear directive, and more importantly, they’re something that your actions enforce rather than waiting for them to change. Boundaries only work when you can stick to them yourself, regardless of the other person’s behavior, Zar points out. As Nunez points out, the only thing you can control is yourself.
When you live in a place of self-empowerment, toxic family dynamics will have less of an impact on you.
- Seek outside help.
If there’s one thing worth seeing a therapist about, it’s unpacking toxic family dynamics. Some things are too deep and far-reaching for you to deal with on your own, and that’s okay.
“Find a professional you can talk to about identifying some of these toxic behaviors because often when someone has toxic relationships within a family or a toxic person, they can’t identify it because they ‘think it’s normal,’” Nunez explains.
A professional can not only help you identify toxic patterns, but they can also help you understand how they’re affecting you, learn how to deal with them and learn how to set and stick to those boundaries we keep reminding ourselves of.
- Find a degree of acceptance.
Last but not least, the sad truth of this is that sometimes change won’t be possible within the family, or at least, it won’t happen overnight. As Zar explains, if you give your family opportunities to hear your needs and boundaries, and they don’t accept it, that’s on them. Unfortunately, that leaves you between a rock and a hard place.
Whether you decide to cut off contact with your family members, limit the number of times you see your family members, or try to accept things as they are, being able to accept them as they are will ease some of the mental burden. “It’s very difficult to change the family dynamic without everyone’s buy-in or approval, so part of the work is accepting that this is how your family is going to show up,” says Zar.
