It’s the most wonderful time of year, but that doesn’t mean relationship warning signs won’t show up. This time of year may show you a side of your partner you haven’t seen before, as families gather and holiday stress piles on.
We asked a relationship therapist about common relationship warning signs that crop up around the holidays. Here’s what to watch out for:
- Attempts to isolate you.
According to licensed therapist and relationship expert DeAndrea Blaylock-Solar, LCSW-S, CST, one of the biggest warning signs to look out for is a partner who doesn’t want to attend family or friend gatherings with you. Even worse, she says, is if your partner tries to isolate you from these events and distance you from your loved ones.
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“If your partner doesn’t really want to entertain your family events, and they’re pushing you away from your family events and isolating you, that’s a big red flag,” she tells MBG.
Why? Isolation is often a subtle form of control that we see in abusive relationships, she explains. “Often when people try to distance you from your loved ones, they want to be your only emotional support and outlet, and that’s emotional abuse and a huge red flag.”
- Toxic family dynamics.
Another glaring red flag you might notice during the holidays is toxic family dynamics within your partner’s family. This can be especially noticeable if it’s the first holiday you’ve met their extended family.
“What is their relationship with their biological family or even their chosen family? Do they have close relationships with other people? Because if they don’t, that’s a huge red flag too—and it could be an indicator of behavior patterns that you might not want to be associated with,” Blaylock-Solar explains.
Of course, some people have valid reasons for not being close to their family, which you may be aware of. But Blaylock-Solar notes that you’ll want to keep an eye out for things like explosive anger, codependent dynamics, and overall poor communication. Much of the way people behave in relationships, such as their attachment style and how they handle conflict, is influenced by family dynamics, and you’ll likely find that you’re able to put a lot of the pieces together when you get a sense of the environment they grew up in and how they interact with the people closest to them.
- Substance Use.
Finally, Blaylock-Solar says, to pay attention to your partner’s substance use during the holidays. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying some good wine with good company, but as she notes, it’s all about how they’re using substances—specifically, whether they’re using them to cope or deal with the stresses of the season.
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If you notice an increase in substance use during the holidays, Blaylock-Solar advises keeping an eye on it. This time of year can bring a lot of stress, and if they’re using substances to cope now, it could be a behavior that repeats itself in future stressful scenarios, too.
Bottomline.
The bottom line is that the holidays can bring up a lot of things—family dynamics, toxic relationship patterns, and more. Everyone will handle the season differently, and some are more gentle than others. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what you’re willing to work with (or not), and if your partner is engaging in any of these behaviors, you’ll want to keep an eye out for these red flags.
