The word “toxic” gets thrown around a lot these days—but what does it mean? Plus, what constitutes a toxic trait?

To answer these questions and more, we got the scoop from relationship experts. Here’s how to spot toxic traits in relationships, and yourself.

WhatItMeansToBeToxic

Toxic traits can be defined as any persistent pattern of behavior that undermines or harms others, according to psychologist and toxic family expert Sherry Campbell, Ph.D.

As she says, this can be anything from manipulation to selfishness to a general lack of empathy. “We all can manipulate in some way, but toxic people do it constantly—not just when they’re angry—and there’s always an agenda,” she explains.

As clinical psychologist Perpetua Neo, Ph.D., DClinPsy, previously wrote for mindbodygreen, a person doesn’t necessarily have to be toxic to engage in toxic behaviors. “There’s a difference between being toxic and acting toxic. The former is when it’s ingrained in our personality, and we actively enjoy hurting others; the latter is consistent with aspects of our behavior,” she writes.

15 Examples of Toxic Traits:

1. They’re Abusive, Physically or Emotionally.

First, the obvious: Any form of abuse is toxic. While you might be quick to think of physical abuse, emotional and verbal abuse is too, whether that person is bullying you, invalidating you, cheating on you, yelling at you, or worse. Abuse should never be tolerated, and if someone is abusing you, they’re toxic and shouldn’t be in your life.

2. They’re Manipulative.

Manipulation encompasses several different behaviors—all of which are toxic, and some of which can be considered abusive. As Campbell tells mindbodygreen, some common examples include manipulation (when someone makes you question your reality and feelings), projection, guilt-tripping, ignoring, arguments that never end without resolution, and more.

3. They’re judgmental.

Who wants to be constantly criticized or judged? According to Campbell, judgmental people can be toxic to your well-being by quietly (or not-so-quietly) undermining your sense of self, and their judgment often comes from a place of projection and hypocrisy (i.e., judging you for something they do, too), he adds.

4. They’re generally unkind.

Sometimes toxic traits are more subtle, like a general unease that you can’t quite pinpoint. Most of us understand the importance of kindness and social grace, but with toxic people, Campbell says, they’re simply not kind. Whether it’s gossiping, pressuring, or mean comments, being mean is toxic in and of itself.

5. They’re dishonest.

According to Campbell, dishonesty is a toxic trait, from keeping a secret to lying. Maybe you’ve caught this person lying—or lying a lot—and don’t feel like you can trust them, or they’re a pathological liar who seems to lie compulsively. Either way, Campbell explains, this behavior is always at the expense of someone else’s well-being and is therefore toxic.

6. They lack empathy.

Empathy allows us to connect with others by feeling for them when they’re going through a tough time, or, on the flip side, celebrating their triumphs with them. As Campbell explains, it’s toxic for someone to be unable to empathize with you for better or worse, especially if they’ve hurt you in some way and can’t find it in themselves to empathize with you, instead taking your hurt feelings as a personal affront.

7. They don’t respect boundaries.

Basic respect for others’ boundaries is a sign of a healthy, mature individual, so disrespect, on the other hand, can be seen as toxic. As therapist Anna Marchenko, LMHC, Ed.M., previously told mindbodygreen, even if it’s not intentional, it can still be hurtful (and therefore toxic) for friends, family, or partners to cross your boundaries.

She notes that this is common in codependent relationships when two people become so intertwined that they lack proper separation and independence. “When boundaries slip, the intensity of one’s attachment to the other can escalate to an unhealthy level for both individuals,” she explains.

8. They’re “good-weather friends.”

Being a good-weather friend means you only stick around when the friendship is right for you, and that can apply to romantic relationships and family dynamics, too. As psychotherapist Annette Nunez, Ph.D., LMT, previously told mindbodygreen, not being able to hold space for your loved one can be extremely isolating, whether the person projects toxic positivity, becomes cold whenever you’re upset, or tries to fast-forward through difficult conversations. This is the kind of friend who doesn’t have your best interests in mind.

9. They’re overly competitive.

An overly competitive spirit may be appreciated in the workplace, but it has no place in our relationships and can lead to dysfunction. According to both Nunez and licensed marriage and family therapist Tiana Leeds, M.A., LMT, having someone compete with you is a major warning sign of a toxic friend, and it can come across as jealousy, out-talking you in conversations, or trying to undermine your accomplishments.

10. They can’t be serious.

If you’ve ever dealt with someone who can’t handle conflict, you probably know how negatively it can impact your relationship. Of course, some people are more peaceful by nature and may try to avoid conflict when they can, but in this case, we’re talking about people who ignore issues, make sarcastic comments, or generally don’t listen to you when you have a real problem with their behavior.

It’s emotional immaturity, Campbell notes because they can’t handle any questioning of their image.

11. They see people as problems to be solved.

According to Neo, another example of a toxic trait is constantly trying to “fix” people. As she previously wrote, “Sometimes people don’t ask for solutions or even a listening ear, but we inadvertently create trauma from wounds that don’t exist by exploring,” adding that simply put, no one should be treated as a project that needs to be solved or fixed.

12. They play the victim.

According to Campbell, playing the victim is a very common toxic trait. As she explains, emotionally healthy people understand that if you hurt someone’s feelings, you should own up to it and work on making amends.

But with toxic people, any issue you bring to the table becomes an attack on them, and they will play the victim with statements like “I can’t believe you’re saying that about me,” or they may even punish you by withholding affection.

“They’re above reproach, they have a moral superiority—there’s no going back to the center, no desire to shut down,” she adds.

13. They’re bigots.

There’s nothing wrong with having a different viewpoint than someone else, but it gets toxic when they try to force those views on you. According to Campbell, selfishness and love can’t coexist, and dogma essentially happens when someone suffers from “master personality syndrome.”

“They look down on your truth. They erase it with their moral superiority. They stand so boldly that no matter how ridiculous it is, they get away with it,” Campbell says, adding, “The most toxic person in any dynamic is often the least confrontational.”

14. They refuse to grow.

Sometimes we grow and outgrow certain people, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, things can get toxic when we have to keep ourselves small around certain people who aren’t growing or who refuse to grow.

As Nunez previously said, even if your friend isn’t doing explicitly “toxic” things, the fact that you’ve moved on from each other can lead to old patterns recurring and stunting your growth.

“As we get older, our dynamics and what we value in friendships may change,” Nunez explains. “It’s okay not to feel bad about having a long-term friend and not necessarily being close to them.”

15. Relationship ups and downs are cyclical.

Last but not least, Campbell touches on a common cycle she sees a lot with toxic people, where they engage in a pattern of idealizing someone, devaluing them, and then dumping them, only to attract them back.

This cycle of building someone up and then tearing them down can happen over and over again, “and every time you fall,” Campbell says, “you lose more of your self-worth, and you gain more shame.”

TheEffectsOfToxicTraits

Toxic traits affect our relationships in countless ways, whether you think you might be the toxic person, or you’re dealing with a toxic person in your life. If you’re a toxic person, you can bet your relationships will suffer because of it. People won’t tolerate toxicity for long, and at some point, you’ll lose them if you can’t change.

On the other hand, if you’re the one experiencing toxicity from a family member, friend, or partner, it can affect your sense of self, your self-worth, and your relationship style. Campbell says that toxicity can make you doubt yourself, seek to please people, feel shame, question your thoughts and feelings, and more.

How to Deal with Toxic Traits

In Yourself

Just because you exhibit toxic behaviors doesn’t make you a toxic person (though we can’t rule that out—only you can!). The good news, according to Neo, is that “with a little self-reflection and asking for feedback from others, we can recognize and eliminate these habits so we can become better people.”

Be sure to check out our guide to changing toxic behavior in yourself, as well as our breakdown of how to spot and fix your warning signs.

Start by simply noticing your thoughts and behaviors to catch them when your most toxic tendencies start to emerge. Allow yourself to calm down and acknowledge that you’re trying to be a better person, and don’t be afraid to reach out for support from mental health professionals or your support system.

The more you examine your behavior, the more you can change it.

In Relationships and Friendships

If you’re dealing with a friend or partner who exhibits some toxic traits, it’s always possible to start a dialogue, set and enforce boundaries, and talk honestly. If you’re lucky, they may try to modify their behavior to save the relationship.

However, Campbell says, there’s one major caveat: Toxic people usually don’t want to hear it.

While you can take the high road of forgiveness, is it worth it? According to Campbell, it often isn’t, and many of us would be better off walking away before they do more damage. For example, she says, “If you tell a toxic person where they’ve hurt you and go set boundaries, you’ve given them information about where they might hurt you the most.”