It’s hard to know when to break up with someone. It’s hard to know if your relationship is going through a rough patch or just a hot bag of dog poop. It’s hard to know when to walk away and feel confident in that decision.
But fear not, I’m here to explain it all to you and help you make the best decision for you in the long run. It will give you all the answers. It will solve all your dating problems.
Okay, that’s a lie. But some principles can help you figure out what’s right for you. So let’s do it.
IdentifyTheRealIssue
A lot of people in bad relationships find themselves fighting over seemingly harmless and stupid things. I remember fighting with one of my exes about toothpaste. Toothpaste! We were practically screaming at each other.
The truth is, we’re never mad about just toothpaste. We’re mad about a bunch of other things. Things we don’t even touch on when we’re arguing about toothpaste.
Related : Compatibility and Chemistry in Relationships
People are particularly bad at focusing on what the real problem is. They resent their partner for deep, vague reasons, but because they can’t articulate why they feel that way themselves, they can never communicate that to their partner. 1
Hence the toothpaste screaming.
As always, the first step toward a healthy relationship is a healthy relationship with yourself. Understand why you’re upset or frustrated with your partner. Find your reasons.
Why does he/she drive you crazy when he/she wakes up early in the morning? Why does his/her mother drive you crazy? Start looking within yourself for the reasons, and the deep values that shape your feelings, and then you can address these issues with your partner directly.
CommunicateHealthy
The key to solving these problems is for both you and the other person to be willing to work through whatever bone is stuck in your relationship’s throat. To do that, you have to give the other person a chance to help you fix it. But they can’t help you fix it if they don’t know exactly why you’re unhappy in the first place.
It’s no secret that healthy communication is crucial to any relationship, but it’s still an underdeveloped skill for many people. 2 So when it comes to communicating your grievances in a relationship, here are some rules to follow:
- Love the sinner, hate the sin.
Relationships make us see everything very personally. We draw these conclusions about our partner’s character based on their behavior and then personalize them by trying to figure out what they mean to us. This is normal,4 but it can get us into trouble when our interpretations of someone’s behavior lead us to attack their character.
Often, your partner’s intentions aren’t as clear as you think they are, and/or they don’t even know that something is wrong. That’s why it’s important to focus specifically on the issue at hand and refrain from making any judgments or attacks on their character.
Once you start attacking someone personally, things can quickly spiral out of control and it’s hard to have a productive conversation that addresses the real conflict.
It’s best to just focus on what’s bothering you and what you can do about it. Leave the personal insults out of the way.
- Get rid of the “relationship scorecard.”
As for the above point, it doesn’t matter who’s at fault. There are always two sides to any relationship problem. Even if lying and cheating were involved, the liar/cheater is likely unhappy with many of the things that led them to do it.
Yes, one person may be more responsible than the other for the current problems in the relationship, but pointing it out just to gain “points” won’t make things any better.
Leave the scorecard behind. Don’t bring up past issues when trying to resolve current issues. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t “score” who was the bigger jerk. Because a) it doesn’t matter, and b) you’ll never score in a way that makes you lose. That’s how our brains work. We always think we’re right, even when we’re not. So leave the scorecard at home and focus on listening.
So at this point, if you’ve identified the real issue and communicated it to them in a healthy, mature way and they’re willing to work with you on it, great – I say keep at it and see if you can work things out.
Many people give up too easily at this point. The truth is, all relationships have their ups and downs, but the person worth staying with is the one who is willing to work through issues with you, even when you’re mad at each other.
Related : 6 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
But if only half of them are unwilling to address the issues that are important to you, well, it’s time to set some boundaries.
CanYouLiveWithACompromise?
Conflicts in relationships can usually be broken down into two categories: preference conflicts and value conflicts.
A preference conflict occurs when two people simply like different things. Maybe they have different tastes in food, music, or movies.
These conflicts can be annoying, and yes, a lot of them can add up to create real incompatibility. But some of these types of conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. And most of the time, when you look at them for what they are, these conflicts aren’t that big of a deal.
Maybe you don’t like going to your favorite restaurant and it bothers you. But is that a sign that you’re incompatible, or can you live with it? Does this restaurant define who you are as a person, or is it just a place you love and can see why someone else might not? Could you maybe go with a friend while doing something you love and enjoying your time apart for a bit?
There’s a case to be made that some preference conflicts are healthy for a relationship. 9 Preferences for a lot of things are arbitrary and ultimately superficial. So, subtly, if someone doesn’t share your preferences for something but still wants to be with you, it shows that they’re with you for who you are and not because of what you do for them.
On the other hand, a values conflict occurs when two people disagree on a fundamental level. This goes beyond simple preferences.
I’m talking about differences in beliefs about things like religion/ideology, whether or not to have children and/or how to raise them, where you want to live, your career aspirations, money, etc. Conflict over these beliefs and values is very messy.
You have to ask yourself if who you are as a person conflicts with who you are as a person. If the answer is yes, it will be almost impossible to have a healthy, long-term relationship with this person. This is not anyone’s fault, and it also means that you may need to move on.
Enforcing Your Boundaries While Being Willing to Walk Away
If you’ve given them a fair chance to address the issue at hand and have determined that the conflict is not core values conflict, but they still ignore your concerns… it’s time to walk away.
As with almost everything in life, this is easier said than done (obviously).
Many people find it easy to set their boundaries, but few are willing to follow through and act on them. And boundaries aren’t boundaries unless they’re enforced through your actions.
If you say you won’t tolerate drama, disrespectful people, liars, or cheaters, but you stay after someone continues to create drama, disrespect you, lie, or cheat, I’m sorry, but you’re tolerating these things. Your actions (staying with them) speak louder than any of your words (“don’t cheat on me”) ever could.
Can people change? They definitely can. But they have to be willing to do it in the first place. At some point, it should be pretty clear from their actions whether or not they are ready to change. And you should be willing to enforce your boundaries on their behavior with your actions as well.
If you want to end things…
Choosing to end a relationship is simple in practice, but emotionally, it’s not. It’s as simple as telling them you no longer want to be with them10 and then walking away.
But on an emotional level, we struggle with all sorts of burdens and internal turmoil that can make it hard. We drag our identities into it when we think of ourselves as “good people.” And a good person wouldn’t abandon someone like that, right? 11 Or maybe you’re just trying to figure out a way to end the relationship that will “soften the blow” a little bit.
Well, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that breaking up sucks no matter what you do. And you’re going to have to live with that.
But the good news is that there are practical things you can do to make the breakup as clean and graceful as possible. I wrote about that here: How to Break Up Gracefully.
GoodLuckOutThere.
FurtherRelationshipReading
If you’re constantly finding yourself in one terrible relationship after another, well, it’s time to start doing some work in that area of your life. Here are some books and articles to help you get started.
