High self-esteem can benefit your relationships and your overall well-being — and there’s a lot you can do to boost your perception of yourself and your abilities.
How do you feel about yourself? What do you think of your qualities, characteristics, and identity?
If you have a positive perception of yourself, you might say you have high self-esteem.
Simply put, self-esteem refers to how you feel about yourself, says Dr. Shana Vibel, a psychologist at the Lindner Center for Hope and the University of Cincinnati.
Self-esteem is different from self-confidence and self-esteem.
Self-esteem: This describes your ongoing perception of your qualities, abilities, and characteristics.
Self-confidence: This refers to your belief in your abilities or the knowledge that you have the skills to navigate a given task or situation.
Self-esteem: This describes your perception of your worth and worth as a person. In general, high self-esteem means that you see yourself as a valuable person who is worthy of respect, love, and belonging.
Feeling low in confidence in some circumstances doesn’t automatically affect your self-esteem. For example, you may not have a lot of confidence when you start art classes, but you still feel confident that you’ll learn quickly. After all, you’ve done well in every art class you’ve ever taken, and you know that you’re pretty good at art in general.
When someone harshly insults you about your art, you may feel comfortable setting boundaries and ignoring their comment, because your self-esteem tells you that you deserve respect.
However, a lack of self-esteem can affect your confidence in your abilities and your sense of self-worth.
The good news? If you don’t have high self-esteem, you can take steps to cultivate it.
Examples of High Self-Esteem
If you have high self-esteem, it probably takes a lot of effort to shake up your self-image.
At School or Work
Febel offers one example to consider: Think about how you would react if you heard someone make fun of your clothes or the ideas you shared in literature class. If you have high self-esteem, the ridicule probably wouldn’t bother you much, because it doesn’t affect your internal self-image.
If you have low self-esteem, however, you might take these comments to heart. Maybe you start second-guessing your interpretation of the short story. Or when you get home one day, you take off your favorite clothes and put them in a bag to donate.
As another example, let’s say you have a difficult work project. You’ve put a lot of effort into it, but you can’t seem to get your results to match what your supervisor has asked for.
If you have high self-esteem, you probably won’t internalize your lack of success, or take it to mean that you’re bad at your job or incompetent. You might instead take a problem-solving approach by going back to your boss, admitting that you’re stuck, and asking for some suggestions.
In Relationships
Self-esteem can also play a role in your relationships, especially when your partner treats you poorly. If you have high self-esteem and your partner tries to belittle you, you might find it easier to stand up to them, defend your good qualities, ignore their insults, and ultimately leave a toxic or abusive relationship.
On the other hand, long-term verbal or emotional abuse from a partner or other loved one can easily undermine your self-esteem. You might start to believe them when they say that no one else wants you, or that you deserve their harsh treatment.
Is High Self-Esteem the Same as Narcissism?
People often associate narcissism with having very high self-esteem, but you can certainly have high self-esteem without having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), or any traits of narcissism.
First, it’s important to understand that NPD involves more than just high self-esteem. People with NPD also tend to:
Feelings of superiority
Grand or exaggerated delusions about their abilities and talents
A strong sense of being worthy of admiration and attention
Low empathy for the feelings of others
Furthermore, while people with NPD often appear to have high self-esteem on the surface, they may have internal feelings of vulnerability and insecurity.
“Narcissistic people tend to feel empty and hollow inside, whereas people with high self-esteem don’t feel empty and value themselves,” says Feibel.
According to a 2020 Trusted Source study that explored how to raise children who have high self-esteem but do not have narcissism, there are several differences between children with narcissistic traits and children who have high self-esteem. Children with narcissism tend to:
Have an unrealistically positive, exaggerated, or grandiose view of themselves
Strive for superiority—in short, aim to rise above their peers and stand out from the crowd
Have a fragile self-concept that fluctuates easily between shyness and overconfidence
On the other hand, children with high self-esteem generally:
Have a positive but realistic view of themselves
Seek self-improvement and personal growth
Believe in their self-worth, even when they face challenges or setbacks
Researchers have also noted that parents can foster high self-esteem in children by:
Prioritizing growth over excellence—in other words, emphasizing that it’s more important to learn than to outdo others
Providing realistic, kind feedback instead of excessive or empty praise
Make sure your children know that you love and appreciate them unconditionally, not just when they achieve something
Although this research focused on parents raising children, you can still apply these Principles to yourself. In short, there’s never harm in focusing on growth, assessing your abilities realistically, and treating yourself kindly, no matter what.
Benefits of High Self-Esteem
“High self-esteem can be integral to feeling good about yourself and good mental health,” says Dr. Sid Khurana, a Las Vegas-based psychiatrist.
Evidence links high self-esteem to better mental health and overall quality of life. According to a 2022 study on the various benefits of self-esteem, high self-esteem may improve:
Social relationships: High self-esteem can make you more likely to seek out relationships with people who value you as much as you value yourself, which can lead to greater relationship satisfaction. What’s more, high self-esteem may also make it easier to deal with rejection in relationships.
School performance: As a natural result of high self-esteem, you may feel more motivated and engaged — which can make it more likely that you’ll feel invested in your studies and complete your assignments.
Work performance: High self-esteem can improve your relationships with coworkers and make you more likely to persist when faced with challenges, so you may feel more satisfied with your job and experience greater success as a result.
Mental health: High self-esteem may reduce your chances of experiencing mental health conditions like depression or anxiety, in part because you’re less likely to engage in rumination. This pattern of focusing on the same dark, unwanted, or upsetting thoughts can be a factor in both anxiety and depression.
Physical health: High self-esteem may indirectly boost your physical health because it often translates into strong, supportive social connections. However, the review authors emphasize the need for more research.
Antisocial behaviors: High self-esteem may also reduce your likelihood of engaging in antisocial behavior, such as bullying, violence, or manipulation. People with low self-esteem may be more likely to use aggressive tactics to gain attention or social power, the review authors say, though they emphasize the need for more research.
How to Build Self-Esteem
According to Khorana, your childhood experiences—such as love and nurturing, rules and expectations, rewards, and praise—shape your self-esteem as an adult.
If you have low self-esteem, Khorana says, you may be more likely to:
Experience self-doubt
Engage in negative self-talk
Compare yourself to others and feel less than others
Tend to please people and seek approval
Have trouble setting boundaries with others
Have difficulties in your relationships
But you can take steps to heal and help your self-esteem flourish. These tips can help:
- Adjust Your Self-Perception
Self-esteem is tied to your perception of who you are, so it can be helpful to think about what you think about yourself. A more thorough exploration of your self-perception can help you begin to develop your self-esteem.
To start, you might take some quiet time to reflect or write in a journal to unpack this question. Digging deeper into your beliefs about yourself can help you learn more about who you are and where your self-esteem might need a little TLC.
You might feel great when you succeed at work and terrible when you don’t. So, you might ask why your self-perception is based on your work performance. What beliefs about work have you adopted over the years? Is there any evidence to support them?
- Build healthy relationships
Khurana and Veble note that relationships, especially family relationships, play a major role in developing self-esteem. Once you’re an adult, the people around you may reinforce or help boost low self-esteem.
Building positive relationships, whether with new people or people you already know, can go a long way toward helping boost your self-esteem. Higher self-esteem can, in turn, help you maintain those relationships.
Wondering what makes a healthy relationship? As a general rule, you will:
Feel comfortable discussing your thoughts and feelings
Provide emotional support to each other
Handle conflict with kindness and respect
- Practice positive self-talk
Paying attention to how you talk to yourself can also make a difference.
To check your self-talk, you might ask yourself whether you’re using words that build you up — or bring you down. Would you feel comfortable if someone talked to your best friend the way you talk to yourself?
Negative self-talk can distort your view of yourself, which can in turn affect your mental health and your relationships with others.
To reduce negative self-talk, you can:
Notice when it happens and name the thought: For example, “I’m useless because I messed up my presentation at work” or “This dinner is a total flop. Why did I bother? I can’t do anything right.”
Challenge the thought with logic: For example, “Everyone makes mistakes — that doesn’t mean I’m a bad worker. Presentation may not be my strong suit, but I have plenty of other skills.” Or, “So I was a little ambitious with my cooking plans, but maybe I can salvage this. If not, we can always laugh it off and order a pizza.”
Repeat: When the idea comes up again, respond with the same logic.
Febel also emphasizes the importance of treating yourself kindly, which can include acknowledging and recording your strengths and accomplishments. This doesn’t mean praising yourself with effusive, false enthusiasm, but simply noting—in a journal or freewriting exercise, for example—what you’re good at.
- Develop a growth mindset
If you have a fixed mindset, you may feel hesitant to try new things. You may prefer to play it safe by sticking to what you know you can do—because you think trying and failing means you, yourself, are a failure.
But when you adopt a growth mindsetTrusted Source, you recognize that you’re capable of growing and learning, and you may feel more prepared to take on new challenges. When you focus on growth, in short, you aim to learn and do your best.
This mindset can also help you learn not to internalize your mistakes or use them to reinforce negative perceptions of yourself. Instead, you’re more likely to build resilience and feel more comfortable with new experiences.
- Therapy
Connecting with a mental health professional can have many benefits when it comes to improving self-esteem.
A therapist can provide additional support in:
Identifying specific beliefs that fuel low self-esteem
Recognizing and breaking patterns of negative self-talk
Exploring childhood experiences that have shaped your self-esteem
Identifying signs of healthy relationships
Research from 2018 suggests that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) may be particularly helpful for improving self-esteem.
Other approaches to consider include dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) and psychodynamic psychotherapy.
Conclusion
Almost everyone questions their confidence and abilities from time to time, but if you feel good about yourself and your abilities most of the time, you likely have fairly high self-esteem.
If you constantly doubt yourself or have trouble naming any of your strengths or positive traits, you may have low self-esteem.
There is a lot you can do to change these perceptions and build your self-esteem, which can make a difference in your overall health and your relationships – with others and with yourself.
