You may be able to recover from narcissistic abuse with support, self-care, and compassion.

If you recently ended a toxic relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits, you’re likely dealing with a lot of hurt and confusion.

Even when you know deep down that you’re not to blame, believing that you are is often a different story entirely.

Wondering what you could have done differently to prevent the abuse or help your loved one work through their issues can add to your emotional turmoil.

Ellen Peros, a psychotherapist in Suwannee, Georgia, who specializes in helping people recover from abusive relationships, explains that toxic relationships also share some similarities with addiction.

“The relationship is intoxicating. There’s intermittent reinforcement, and there’s a lot of shame and guilt about the relationship,” Peros says.

These factors can all play a role as you try to recover.

You know the relationship wasn’t healthy. You know they abused you. But you still can’t shake the memories of how you felt in the beginning and the good times you had.

These memories may make you crave their company and feel like you’re willing to do anything to win their love and approval back.

Abuse is often very traumatic, and the healing process can take time.

Acknowledge and Accept Abuse

Acknowledging that you’ve been abused, whether by a romantic partner, family member, or friend, is an important first step toward recovery.

Early in the healing process, you may find it difficult to ignore the possible justifications and excuses for the other person’s behavior.

In fact, you may feel like taking the blame entirely on yourself, as long as it means you don’t have to admit that someone you love is intentionally hurting you.

This is completely normal and understandable.

Denial can protect you in some ways. Strong romantic or familial love overshadows reality for many people.

It’s also hard to accept that some people don’t seem to care when they hurt others.

If you know that a loved one has experienced emotional distress of their own, you may empathize with those struggles and want to give them a second chance.

Empathy is never wrong, but mental health issues don’t justify abuse. You can always encourage them to seek support—while still providing enough space to keep yourself safe.

“Arm yourself with education about narcissistic behaviors,” Peros recommends.

Learning how to identify the tactics that people with narcissism often use can make it easier for you to deal with your own experience.

Set and communicate your boundaries clearly

Therapists and abuse recovery specialists often recommend cutting off all contact with your ex-partner after the relationship ends, whenever possible.

No contact isn’t just a boundary for them. It’s also a boundary for you, and you may find it very difficult at first.

It’s common to be tempted to reach out or respond to phone calls and texts, especially if they’ve sincerely apologized and promised to change.

Blocking their number, email addresses, and social media accounts can help you avoid giving in to this temptation.

Keep in mind that they may try to contact you through other means, so it can be helpful to have a plan for how to handle this.

But no contact isn’t possible in every situation. Maybe you have children with them, or maybe they’re a family member you’ll see occasionally at gatherings.

If that’s the case, think about what you want and need: “I deserve to be treated with respect.”

Then turn that into a boundary: “I’m willing to have a conversation with you, but if you yell, curse, or call me names, I’m leaving immediately.”

To create a basic space and distance for yourself, also consider personal boundaries, such as:

Not sharing personal information (a key step in dealing with single people)

Limiting communication to one platform, such as an email address you don’t use for anything else

Prepare for Complicated Emotions

Most breakups involve painful emotions, including:

Grief and loss
Shock
Anger
Sadness or feelings of depression

After ending a relationship marked by narcissistic abuse, you may experience these feelings along with other types of emotional distress, explains Peros.

These include:

Anxiety
Fear
Paranoia
Shame

The trauma of a toxic relationship can also leave you with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Toxic people can cause a lot of pain. But they also have a knack for making you believe in their reality.

So, even though you may have suffered some deep emotional wounds, you may still question your actions.

Your love for them, for example, can convince you that it’s your fault that they manipulated and mistreated you.

Severing a toxic family relationship can also trigger feelings of guilt or disloyalty.

These are normal emotional experiences. However, dealing with them on your own isn’t always easy, especially when you feel overwhelmed by manipulation tactics.

A therapist can offer you support as you begin to deal with these complex emotions.

ReclaimYourIdentity

People with narcissistic traits often expect others to behave in certain ways. They belittle or severely criticize people for failing to meet these standards. Here’s what it might look like:

Your ex told you your hair looked “stupid and ugly,” so you changed it.

Your dad regularly told you how “stupid” you were for “wasting time” on music, so you stopped playing the piano.

They might try to control your time and prevent you from seeing friends or participating in activities on your own.

If you change your appearance and style or lose things you value as a result of this manipulation, you might feel like you no longer know yourself very well.

Perros recommends avoiding dating and forming new relationships during your recovery.

You’re still in recovery, after all. Self-exploration and rebuilding your relationship with yourself can make you very vulnerable.

Practice self-compassion

Once you acknowledge that your relationship was abusive, you might have a lot of self-criticism.

But remember, no one deserves abuse, and their behavior is not your fault.

Instead of blaming yourself for falling prey to their manipulation or judging yourself for allowing them to mistreat you for so long, offer yourself forgiveness instead.

But you can use that power to decide to honor your needs, such as respect, happiness, and healthy love.

Praise yourself for choosing to end the relationship, and encourage yourself to stick with that decision.

When you feel down about yourself, try repeating a phrase like “I am strong,” “I am loved,” or “I am brave.”

Understand that your feelings may persist

Love can be difficult, in part because you can’t control it.

You can’t always stop loving someone, even if they hurt you.

After a relationship ends, you may still hold on to positive memories and wish that you could somehow experience those days again.

But it’s important to realize that you don’t need to stop loving someone to begin healing. Waiting for that to happen can stall the healing process.

You can continue to love someone while recognizing that their behavior is making it impossible for you to maintain a safe relationship with them.

Sometimes, accepting this knowledge can create an emotional break that helps you feel more empowered to detach from the relationship.

TakeCare

Good self-care practices can make a big difference in your recovery. Self-care involves meeting your emotional and physical needs.

This might include things like:

Getting enough restful sleep

Relaxing when you feel stressed or overwhelmed

Making time for hobbies and other activities you enjoy

Connecting with loved ones

Using coping skills to manage upsetting thoughts

Eating balanced meals

Staying physically active

Your mind and body help support each other, so taking care of your physical needs can help you feel stronger and better prepared to deal with emotional distress.

TalkingToOthers

Opening up to supportive friends and family members can help you feel less alone in your recovery.

People who care about you can:

Offer empathy
Validate your pain
Help distract you or provide companionship on difficult days
Remind you that the abuse wasn’t your fault

But some people in your life may not offer much (or any) support.

Some family members may side with the abuser. Mutual friends may support an abusive ex.

This can cause a lot of confusion and hurt. It’s often helpful to set boundaries around your time with these people as you work through your recovery.

You might, for example, ask them not to mention the person around you, or avoid sharing their views on the situation with you.

If they don’t respect these boundaries, consider limiting the time you spend with them.

Support groups also provide an opportunity to break your silence about your abuse.

In a support group, you can share your story with others who are also trying to heal.

Perros recommends:

Narcissist Abuse Support, a website that provides information and resources about narcissistic abuse

YouTube videos by life coach and author Lisa A. Romano on recovering from toxic relationships

Queen Beeing, is a safe, private, and free support group for people recovering from narcissistic abuse

Meeting groups for victims of narcissism

Get professional support

Talking to a therapist individually can help you take a big step toward improving your emotional well-being.

If you’re having trouble leaving your abuser, or you’ve already had thoughts about giving them another chance, a therapist can help you identify the reasons behind those feelings and create a plan to avoid unhelpful choices in the future.

A therapist can also guide on:

Building new coping skills

Telling people about the abuse

Fighting the urge to contact your abuser

Dealing with depression, anxiety, or other mental health symptoms

Coping with thoughts of suicide or self-harm

Perus explains that therapy can also help you understand the underlying factors that may make you more vulnerable to patterns of abuse.

In short, therapy provides a safe space where a trained, compassionate professional can help you explore and understand the emotional chaos you’re struggling to let go of.

You can heal, though it may not happen right away. A therapist can help you feel more supported as you begin the journey.