Are you hoping to maintain a relationship with a parent who has narcissistic traits? Strong boundaries and a good support system can help protect your emotional health.
Narcissism refers to a set of specific personality traits, including:
- An inflated self-image
- A need for admiration and praise
- A strong sense of entitlement and superiority
- An exaggerated idea of personal importance
- A lack of empathy for the needs and feelings of others
Narcissism exists on a spectrum.
So, it’s possible to exhibit occasional signs of narcissistic behavior — such as not caring about how your actions affect others, or a tendency to exaggerate your accomplishments — without meeting the criteria for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), says Lena Derehalli, therapist and author of The Facebook Narcissist: How to Identify and Protect Yourself and Your Loved Ones from Narcissism on Social Media.
Related : What Is Narcissistic Rage, and What’s the Best Way to Deal with It?
For someone living with narcissistic personality disorder, these traits and behaviors will show up in a range of situations and have a persistent negative impact on multiple areas of life — including family relationships.
Your parent may not have been diagnosed with NPD. However, their narcissistic behaviors can have a lasting impact on your sense of emotional safety, self-esteem, and other aspects of your well-being, according to Nikki Eisenhauer, a therapist in private practice who specializes in treating people with narcissistic parents.
But you can take steps to protect your mental health and your sense of self.
Below, therapists share how to recognize traits of narcissism in a parent, along with some strategies for coping with this behavior — whether you want to maintain your relationship or cut it off altogether.
Signs of Narcissism
If your parent has traits of narcissistic personality disorder, you may recognize some of the following signs:
They make your accomplishments their own
Because a narcissistic parent craves constant admiration, they may have a hard time celebrating your accomplishments and skills as your own, says Jephtha Taussig, a clinical psychologist in New York City.
For example, they may belittle your accomplishments, suggest that they don’t live up to your expectations, or give themselves too much credit for your accomplishments to boost their self-esteem.
A narcissistic parent often sees their child as a reflection of themselves, says Terry Bly, a licensed clinical psychologist at Ellie Mental Health. As a result, they may have unrealistic expectations for you. For example, they may insist that you take the lead role in the school play, or throw a tantrum when your soccer team doesn’t win a game.
TheyImposeTheirIdeasAndDesiresOnYou
According to Bly, a narcissistic parent may have difficulty acknowledging their interests, dreams, and goals because they view you as an extension of themselves.
For example, your parent may demand that you play soccer, run for student council, or sing in the choir because that’s what they want to pursue as a young person. Or he might pressure you to apply to colleges he deems “best,” rather than taking your desires into account.
Many parents have certain hopes for their children, says Bly. It’s natural for parents to feel a little disappointed if you take a different path—but they still have to respect and accept your decision. A narcissistic parent, on the other hand, might attack you to “punish” you instead.
They fail to validate your feelings
Because of their lack of empathy, a narcissistic parent may have a hard time validating their feelings.
For example, if you tell them that their harsh criticisms are bothering you, Derehalli says they might:
Shame you by saying something like, “You’re being too sensitive”
Trick you into denying your experience by saying something like, “You’re making this up” or “I never said that”
Ignore you with the silent treatment
Because of this, you may start to feel like your thoughts and feelings don’t matter. As a result, you may feel less inclined to share them with your parent, says Lauren Kerwin, a California-based clinical psychologist in private practice.
They refuse to take responsibility
Instead of owning up to their mistakes, a narcissistic parent may shift blame onto you to protect their fragile sense of self.
“Because someone with narcissistic personality disorder often has a deep sense of emptiness and self-loathing at their core, they often find it nearly impossible to apologize or take responsibility,” says Taussig.
Let’s say you’re expressing frustration about the fact that they’re always late to your basketball games. They might:
Call you ungrateful
Say, “Oh, I know, I’m the worst mom in the world”
Suggest that their lateness is somehow your fault
If they believe their self-esteem or self-image is being attacked, they may even react with narcissistic rage, which can range from screaming and yelling to more passive-aggressive behaviors.
They lash out when you don’t act in a way that serves them
Narcissistic parents may have a strong sense of entitlement and have difficulty empathizing with your needs. As a result, they may react aggressively when your actions don’t align with what they want.
For example, your mother might get angry if you wear an outfit you picked out, rather than one you suggested. Or they may shut down and refuse to talk to you after you say you want to spend your birthday with a friend instead of at home.
As a result, you may develop an aversion to conflict, Derehalli explains. You may find that you have an increasingly difficult time separating your desires from theirs and doing things just to please them so you can keep the peace.
They’re “parenting you”
The term “parenting” describes a role reversal where the child has to take on the role of caregiver and supporter. According to Derehalli, this is very common when a parent is narcissistic because they tend to put their own needs above those of their child.
So, they may explicitly demand that you take care of their needs. For example, if they have a cold, they may demand that you stay home to accompany them, even if it means you miss an important event at school. They may also send this message more covertly—for example, by exploding in anger when you don’t meet their needs.
“You may find yourself constantly apologizing, consoling, and trying to make your parent feel better,” Derehalli says.
Keep in mind that they may also change their behavior depending on the situation or people involved. For example, Bly says they may criticize you harshly at home for not getting 100% on a math test, but then praise you in front of another family member or teacher.
If You Want to Save the Relationship
It’s certainly possible to maintain a relationship with a parent who has narcissistic personality disorder, or narcissistic personality traits.
These expert-approved strategies can help you protect your emotional well-being if you want to stay connected with your parent.
- Set Boundaries — and Reinforce Them
It’s crucial to set boundaries that are concrete, sustainable, and have specific consequences, says Bly. For example, you might say, “If you start insulting me, I’m going to have to hang up the phone.”
Just know that it may take some time for you to feel comfortable setting boundaries with your parent, says Eisenhower — especially if your parent tries to manipulate you into believing that your boundaries are harsh or unnecessary.
- Build a Strong Support System
Since a parent with narcissistic personality disorder may not have the capacity to meet your emotional needs, you’ll need to surround yourself with friends, family members, and other loved ones who can.
A therapist can also play a valuable role in your support system by providing a safe outlet for your experiences, validating your feelings, and supporting you in setting clear and consistent boundaries.
In addition, your therapist can offer further guidance and help you sort through your feelings if you’re not sure whether maintaining or ending the relationship best serves your needs.
- Try “gray swinging” when necessary
While you may be tempted to defend yourself or respond when your parent makes troubling accusations or statements, Derehaly strongly recommends refusing to engage — often called the gray swing method.
This strategy often works because your parent wants a specific response from you. When you refuse to give it, you avoid rewarding their behavior and may de-escalate the situation.
Examples of this might include:
Giving one-word answers
Keeping interactions short and limited to essential information
Providing as little personal information as possible
Distracting yourself on phone calls with them to facilitate separation and show little emotion
If You Want to Not Contact
Sometimes, a parent with narcissism may not respect the boundaries you’ve set. They may use unkind or abusive language, lie to their friends and partners in an attempt to sabotage their relationships, or repeatedly try to manipulate them.
Only you can decide what behavior you will or will not accept. However, if your parent’s tactics are causing ongoing difficulties in your daily life and have a lasting impact on your mental or physical health, it may be worth considering not contacting, or ending the relationship.
If you choose not to contact them, these strategies may help:
- Consider eliminating all means of communication
Since people with narcissism tend to ignore boundaries, Derehalli says you may want to block your parent on your phone, email, and social media accounts.
Related : Sociopathy and Narcissism Are Two Very Different Things — Here’s What to Know
It’s also wise to tell people who have your email address and phone number that they shouldn’t give it to anyone else.
- Share your decision with family members
You may want to tell siblings and other relatives that you’ve chosen not to contact your parent. That way, they’re less likely to accidentally or intentionally create a situation where you have to reach out to your dad—for example, by inviting you both to the same event.
Your family members may not understand your decision, and that’s okay, Eisenhauer says. You don’t owe them an explanation or justification.
- Ask for lots of support
Not reaching out to your dad can bring up a lot of complicated emotions—from relief to guilt and sadness.
Bly advises building your support network by maintaining regular contact with trusted friends and family members.
“Surround yourself with supportive people who are willing and able to understand this decision and show up for you,” Eisenhauer says.
- Work with a Therapist
If you’ve been abused or manipulated by a narcissist, you may be suffering from what some people call narcissistic victim syndrome.
Possible signs may include:
- Lack of confidence
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Difficulty asserting yourself, communicating your needs, or making decisions
- Trust issues
- Difficulty regulating your emotions
- People-pleasing tendencies
- Hypervigilance
Some evidence suggests that many children of narcissistic parents have low self-esteem, a tendency toward approval-seeking behavior, and difficulty building relationships due to feelings of shame and inadequacy.
It can be difficult to shake off these effects, especially without support. But remember: These consequences are not your fault — they occur in response to the trauma you’ve experienced.
Therapy can provide an important tool for reducing and reversing these effects, whether or not you choose to maintain contact with your parent.
A therapist can help you learn how to re-parent yourself and learn how to deal effectively with shame, anxiety, depression, and other effects of trauma, according to Derehalli.
“A therapist can help you develop self-compassion and rediscover your identity, away from your narcissistic parent,” adds Bly, who continues, “Therapy can also be a safe space to express your thoughts, emotions, opinions, goals, and even fantasies, without having to worry about being invalidated, ridiculed, or punished.”
