Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is a non-medical term that refers to feelings of anxiety, avoidance, and fear due to emotional abuse from someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Narcissistic Abuse Victim Syndrome is a collective term that describes the specific and often severe effects of narcissistic manipulation.

While it is not a recognized mental health condition, many experts recognize that narcissistic abuse can have a serious and long-lasting impact on mental health.

Some people may also refer to this as Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.

Keep in mind that abuse and narcissism are not always related. A diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder does not automatically translate into abusive behavior, and many people who engage in abuse do not have NPD.

Related : Why Does Borderline Personality Disorder Carry Such a Stigma?

Regardless, a mental health diagnosis never excuses abusive behavior. People choose to abuse and manipulate others, and it is possible to live with traits of narcissism, or any personality disorder, without becoming an abuser.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder is a complex mental health condition that typically involves an inflated sense of self and an intense need for admiration and attention, among other symptoms.

People with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies sometimes exhibit a pattern of controlling, manipulative behavior that involves verbal abuse and emotional manipulation.

Common types of narcissistic manipulation include:

Triangulation. Someone using this tactic will try to drag a third person into your conflict, usually to bolster their own opinion or position.

Gasping. Someone manipulating you tries to make you doubt your perspective and reality, often by twisting the facts or insisting that things you remember didn’t happen.

Vacuuming. This tactic involves attempts to reconnect or pull you back into a toxic or abusive relationship.

The silent treatment. This behavior becomes manipulative when someone intentionally ignores you to control you or makes you feel isolated.

Scapegoating. Parents who use narcissistic manipulation may place all the blame on one child they see as a scapegoat.

Passive aggression. Indirect blame-shifting, sabotage, and ridicule can all be signs of covert narcissistic manipulation.

These tactics can confuse you, make you question your sense of reality, and damage your self-esteem.

With that in mind, here are 12 signs that you may be experiencing narcissistic abuse.

They Seem So Perfect—At First

Narcissistic abuse tends to follow a clear pattern, although that pattern can look different depending on the type of relationship.

Research from 2019 suggests that in a romantic relationship, this abuse usually starts slowly after you’ve fallen hard and fast.

During the initial love-bombing phase, they seemed loving, kind, and generous. They made you feel special and loved with lavish compliments, displays of affection, and expensive gifts.

You may have felt so intense and overwhelmed at this early stage that you never stopped to consider whether they might be too good to be true. Then, slowly, ignoring or other manipulative tactics began to replace the gifts and declarations of love.

Narcissistic parents may also offer love, admiration, praise, and financial support until you do something they don’t like and lose their approval. They also often resort to tactics like ignoring, silent treatment, and manipulation.

People Suspect Abuse

Narcissistic manipulation and abuse are often subtle. In public, these behaviors can be so convincing that others hear or see the same behaviors and fail to recognize them as abuse.

You may not fully understand what’s going on. You just know that you feel confused, upset, or even guilty about your “mistakes.”

Related : Do Narcissists Ever Care That They Hurt You?

A narcissistic parent might gently say, “Are you sure you want dessert?” Or they might turn your breaking of a plate into a joke at your expense: “You’re so clumsy. You can’t help yourself, can you?” They laugh along with everyone in the room while patting you on the shoulder to make the insult seem well-intentioned.

This doubt can be doubly damaging. Not only does it undermine your faith in your loved ones, but it can also lead you to question whether abuse ever happened after all.

TheyStartedASmearCampaign

People with narcissistic traits often need to maintain their perfect image to gain the admiration of others. To do this, they may try to make you look bad.

Once you start pointing out problems or questioning their behavior, they may attack you by:

Directing their anger at you publicly with insults and threats
Involving others in criticizing you

By telling your loved ones stories that distort the facts about your “harmful” or “unstable” behavior, the narcissist is trying to discredit you. Worse, when you react with anger (and who doesn’t?), they can use your response to support their lies.

People with narcissistic traits often have a knack for charming others. That persona they initially showed you? Everyone still sees it.

They can often gain the support of loved ones (who haven’t seen through the facade) by insisting that they only have your best interests at heart. Then, when you try to explain the abuse, your loved ones may take your side.

Feeling isolated

If your loved ones don’t understand you, you’re likely to feel very alone—which makes you more vulnerable to further narcissistic manipulation. Your abuser may lure you in with kindness, even an apology, or by pretending the abuse never happened.

“Ignoring,” as it’s often called, tends to work best when you lack support. You’re more likely to doubt your perceptions of abuse when you can’t talk to anyone about it.

If your loved ones reach out to you to say you made a mistake and encourage you to give your abusive partner another chance, you may end up doing so simply to regain your closeness to family and friends.

Freeze

People respond to abuse and other traumas in different ways.

You might try to confront your abuser (fight) or run away from the situation (flight). If these tactics don’t work or you feel unable to use them, you might respond by freezing or cajoling.

The freeze response typically occurs when you feel helpless.

Freezing can have some benefits in certain situations, but it doesn’t help much when you can escape danger. However, if you believe there is no way out of the relationship, you may stay in it — and perhaps respond by flattering or working to keep your partner happy.

You Have Difficulty Making Decisions

A pattern of devaluation and criticism can leave you with very little self-esteem and confidence.

Narcissistic manipulation often involves repeated insinuations that you are making poor decisions and can’t do anything right. An abusive partner may call you stupid or ignorant outright, often in a falsely emotional tone: “Honey, you’re so stupid. How are you going to get by without my help?”

Over time, you may begin to internalize these insults and associate them with your self-perceptions, leading to constant second-guessing as a result.

Related : Forgiveness and Borderline Personality Disorder

Manipulation tactics can also make you doubt your decision-making abilities. (Here’s how to respond.)

If someone manipulates you into believing that you’ve imagined things that happened, you may continue to doubt your perception of events. This doubt can affect your ability to make decisions in the future.

You Always Feel Like You Made a Mistake

One of the main traits of narcissism is difficulty taking responsibility for any negative actions or harmful behavior.

Abusive partners will often find a way to shift the blame onto you instead. They may do this through deception, often by:

Insisting that they said something you don’t remember
Getting extremely angry that you end up calming them down by apologizing and agreeing that you were wrong.

Say that you suspect they betrayed you. Explain the troubling behaviors you’ve noticed and ask if something is going on.

A partner who uses narcissistic manipulation may respond with extreme anger. They may respond with accusations of their own and redirect blame, saying things that are meant to hurt and belittle you.

These outbursts of anger can leave you feeling helpless and dependent on others, and grateful that they are willing to stay with someone who makes so many mistakes.

Even after you leave the relationship, you may feel like you can’t do anything right. When things go wrong in other areas of your life, you may start to blame yourself for causing those problems.

You have unexplained physical symptoms

The abuse can trigger feelings of anxiety and nervousness that sometimes lead to physical symptoms.

You may notice:

• Changes in appetite
• Upset stomach or nausea
• Stomach aches and pains and other digestive problems
• Muscle aches and pains
• Insomnia
• Fatigue

Sometimes using alcohol and other substances may seem helpful in managing these symptoms, especially insomnia. As a result, you may consume more than you would like to manage unwanted feelings or physical distress.

You feel anxious and restless

Narcissistic abuse can sometimes be unpredictable. You may not know if they will criticize you or surprise you with a gift.

If you don’t know what someone is going to do or say at any given moment, you may become very stressed out by having to regularly prepare yourself for conflict.

Worrying about the constant stream of criticism and how to best deal with the abusive behaviors you’ve begun to recognize can also leave you feeling constantly stressed. You may not know how to relax anymore because you may not feel safe lowering your guard.

Don’t recognize yourself

When faced with abuse, many people eventually modify their self-identity to accommodate their abusive partner.

Let’s say your partner insists, “When you hang out with your friends, you tell me you don’t love me. You’d rather see them instead.”

Of course, you love them, so you stop hanging out with your friends. Next, you give up your hobbies, skip your after-work happy hour with coworkers, and eventually cancel your weekly visit with your sister. You spend time doing what your partner wants you to do, so they know you care.

These changes often lead to a loss of your sense of self, leaving you feeling lost and empty. You may find it difficult to enjoy life and lose your sense of purpose.

Struggle with Setting Boundaries

A person who engages in narcissistic abuse often has little respect for boundaries. When you try to set or enforce boundaries, they may challenge or ignore them completely or give you silent treatment until you do what they want. Eventually, you may abandon your boundaries altogether.

Once you end the relationship or move away from a narcissistic parent, promise yourself not to return their calls and texts or see them at all.

If they know they can eventually wear you down, they may not leave you so easily. Instead, they will continue to call and text in hopes of getting you to ignore your boundaries again.

If you’ve been subjected to narcissistic abuse, you may also have difficulty setting healthy boundaries in your relationships with others.

You have symptoms of anxiety and depression

Anxiety and depression may develop as a result of narcissistic abuse.

The intense pressure you experience can trigger persistent feelings of anxiety, nervousness, and fear, especially when you never know what to expect from their behavior.

You may feel hopeless or worthless, lose interest in things that used to bring you joy and find it difficult to see promising outcomes for the future.

How to Get Help

Any type of abuse can have a significant impact on your mental and physical health. If your loved ones still doubt you or tell you to move on, you may feel unheard and unsupported. This can make it difficult to trust people again, leaving you feeling isolated and alone.

Whether you’re just starting to notice the first signs of narcissistic manipulation or are still trying to understand an abusive relationship you’ve already left, therapy can help you begin to heal.

Therapy provides a safe space to:

Learn coping strategies to manage mental health symptoms

Practice setting healthy boundaries

Explore ways to rebuild your sense of self

A therapist who specializes in abuse recovery can validate your experience, help you understand that you’re not at fault, and offer support during the early stages of recovery.