What do you want your relationship legacy to be? After a breakup, everyone wants to know how to be the one who walked away, instead of the crazy ex who can’t accept reality.

Whether it’s with friends or in romantic relationships, I always have this post-breakup fantasy of being the one who walked away after a breakup. Always. And while fantasy land is a fun place to live (if you don’t mind being imaginary), a few years ago I decided to face reality. In the process, I realized that I was never the one who walked away.

I was the crazy ex who let her insecurities, fears, issues (abandonment issues, trust issues, mommy issues, daddy issues), pain, and triggers take over.

Related : How Long Does It Take To Get Over Someone?

After much shame and embarrassment, I was able to learn how to be the one who walked away.

And it changed my life.

Here’s what you need to know…

The number one reason you’re remembered as the “crazy ex” instead of the “lover who got away” is that you can’t always speak your mind.

Do the one thing your ex (and most people on this planet) can’t do—speak up. Speaking up is scary and hard to do at first because it goes against everything we learned as children. We grow into adults who are ashamed to set boundaries, stand up for ourselves, and love ourselves.

Speaking up becomes easier when you start to see the transformative impact it has. When you speak up, you’re putting an immediate end to your career as a mad city ambassador. Why? Because you’re not giving people any words to use against you in the future. You’re staying on your white horse instead of reacting and creating drama.

Don’t be provocative and explain. Just stay quiet and disappear.

Are you thinking about getting revenge on your ex? Consider this: Even if you can’t physically distance yourself, you can create an emotional chasm through firm boundaries, which in turn will lead you to the freedom of indifference. Whether you cross paths at school, work, sharing children, or any other unavoidable situation, remember to let your actions do the talking. Engage only on a superficial level, keeping interactions brief, clear, and within bounds, regardless of what they may say or the pain they may bring up.

You are capable of this. And while you may feel guilty for letting your actions do the talking, ignore those feelings of guilt. Stay on track, and always stay on track.

Stoptalking.

We can become addicted to wanting to talk about things over and over (and over) so we can postpone the inevitable and try one last time to see if we are “special enough” for them to want to change. This makes us look desperate and crazy. It’s no different than trying to be “good enough” to make a cat bark.

We want to have “conversations” and explain to people how they hurt us and why what they did was wrong. The thing is, if these people were capable of respect in the first place, you wouldn’t be reading this right now. So what’s the point of explaining how disrespectful they were to someone who has consistently proven to you that they don’t understand respect? It’s not your job to be a resource center for adult education. Be yourself and stay away from toxicity.

Related : How To Get Over Someone Who Broke Your Heart

Never ask someone why they rejected you. Rejection is not a catalyst for inquiry. It’s a catalyst for action.

Aim for forgiveness and letting go.

Forgiveness isn’t about tolerating what happened or accepting injustice. It’s about adjusting your boundaries in light of accepting who someone has exposed themselves to.

You can then come to terms with the present moment and thus reclaim your power.

Crazy is only behind closed doors.

Chase, obsess, cry, kick, scream, shout… do it all in the privacy of your own space.

Feel your feelings and your pain. It will eventually pass. If you stay in a state of avoidance, the pain will fester and spread like cancer. The contraction of the pain will be so intense that it will make you say and do things at the expense of your dignity.

You.

Get a life by focusing on the one person who has been ignored for far too long: you.

Want to know how to be the person who got away with it? Invest in yourself. I have created some of my best work, gotten in the best shape of my life, and grown so much during the darkest and most painful times. Use your pain as a tool to become the person you are truly meant to be in this life.

By speaking up with your actions, you’re giving your ex a chance to not only miss you as you were before, who mistook string-pulling for honesty and breadcrumbs for loaves of bread, but you’re reacquainting him with the real you. You’re giving him a chance to see that there are real consequences to being reckless with your heart: your absence.

Being the one who walked away isn’t some unattainable fairy tale. It’s about…

Recognizing when you’re triggered and being emotionally intelligent (staying on your white horse and not reacting).

Taking action instead of saying mean words.

Ditching the bullshit.
Proving yourself.

Pretending like you don’t care until the day comes when you don’t.

Trust me when I say, that day will come. I know the short-term pain doesn’t seem worth it, but you’re not alone. And that long-term gain is priceless.

You’re gaining a life. And the kind of peace that no one can ever take away from you.