We all want to find love, acceptance, safety, and understanding in relationships we can trust. For most of my adult life, letting go of the past was impossible. I was carrying so much dead emotional baggage that I couldn’t live in anything but the shame and pain of a past that I couldn’t stop reliving.
The result? Stagnation. I could never grow because I held onto grudges, memories, details, moments, words, pain, and experiences from my past that reduced the present moment to what felt like an endless prison sentence. And because I didn’t have compassion for myself, I only had compassion for toxic people—whose survival depended on exploiting my compassion to the point that I wanted to be their doormat. At least that was better than being alone.
I hated who I had become. I hated that I was so nice to everyone except myself.
What I learned the hard way:
Unless you let go of the past, you will never be able to fully love and trust yourself (and others). You will never be loved and trusted the way you want and deserve.
Because we attract relationships that mirror the relationship we have with ourselves…
You become a magnet for toxicity.
If you continue to allow the weight of your past to weigh you down to the ceiling you set for yourself, you will never be able to attract anything remotely higher than how low that ceiling is.
For years, I was in a pattern of attracting “legitimate” lovers and friends for whom I had to be “good enough.”
I wanted to be “good enough” for them to choose me and change for me so I could undo the pain from my past that was weighing me down.
Related : How To Get Over Someone Who Broke Your Heart
Why I stayed in this cycle of wash, rinse, repeat for so long:
My low self-esteem, society, school, friends, family, etc. convinced me that I just needed to get “stronger,” so I could better carry the heavy burden of my past. Most of my life had been spent trying to “build the strength” to carry the past on my emotional back… instead of taking off my very heavy and outdated backpack forever.
This heavy backpack had become my adult pacifier. Yes, I suppose I could have done without it for a minute, but I had to always know that it was within my grasp.
I couldn’t admit that the pain of my past had created me, and therefore, I didn’t dare to let go of it and live my life.
I felt more comfortable telling my story to anyone I thought could save me. Because of this, I remained a willing prisoner to the events that had already come and gone.
As much as I didn’t like being in pain, there was a certain level of comfort in carrying the pain of my past. Continuing to engage in the pain (and the self-limiting beliefs that it generated) soon gave me the one thing I had never been able to constructively give myself: identity.
The past (and my pain and the beliefs associated with it) became my identity. It ultimately held me back from achieving everything I claimed to want and become in life. The more I felt abandoned and alone, the more I clung to the past (and its corresponding identity), which only served to perpetuate the pain of my embarrassing reality.
When I finally learned how to let go of the past, I began to live a wonderful life because of the painful past—as opposed to the past that I had ruined and defined.
Here are 5 Steps to Letting Go of the Past So You Can Live Your Life, Trust, and Love Again…
Acknowledge the Reward. As humans, we will not continue to engage in something (no matter how destructive it is) unless there is a part of us that believes that there is a reward that outweighs the cost in some way, shape, or form (whether logical or illogical). The first step in letting go of the past is to acknowledge that some level of satisfaction is derived from holding on to it. I know that for me, I found more comfort in the justification that the past provided for the mediocre life I was living than in confronting my fear of building a positive belief system and acting on those beliefs. I could not bear to be abandoned, rejected, and failed again, so I gravitated toward the “safety” of a past that not only met all of these conditions but defined me as such. So, when life inevitably throws its way, I reach back into the comfort blanket of my painful past. What are you holding on to? What is the payoff? I’m here to tell you that choosing to live in the past, at the expense of your present life, is the definition of emotional suicide. If letting go of the past is truly your priority, acknowledge the payoff and ask yourself if holding on is worth it. It can’t be given life support and pushed around. It can’t be changed. You can’t change the past. You can only keep it on life support and allow it to poison the present moment by choosing to subscribe to a narrative built on assumptions and internalize the hurtful behavior of others. I have the privilege of speaking to people every day who have experienced the most horrific forms of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse imaginable. However, that’s not the entire reason these amazing people continue to feel pain. The reason you can’t escape the pain of the past is that you make the decision every day to hit the “I’m not good enough” pipe in the form of subscribing to an identity that you’ve allowed your past to dictate. Because habitual constancy breeds experience, you quickly become an expert time traveler—not just traveling through time at any given moment but choosing to provide life support to what was (and always will be), behind you: the past; what was. Putting the past on life support 24/7 is expensive. The spiritual, emotional, psychological, and physical costs are too great. Decide to pull the plug now before it’s too late.
Related : How to Forget About Your Ex, Bounce Back, and Move On
Define your identity. The reason I felt so comfortable letting the pain of the past shape my identity was because it justified all the bad decisions I was making in my romantic relationships, my friendships, my family relationships, and my personal and professional life (bonus!). I loved to complain about how everyone and everything was holding me back when in reality, I was holding myself back by deciding to let my belief system, shaped by the past, overpower my free-thinking mind.
Facing it. The turning point came when I honored and acknowledged my pain. No matter how comfortable I felt holding on to my past for dear life, there was always that small, undimmed light of hope that no amount of trauma could ever completely extinguish (if that same light wasn’t there inside of you, you wouldn’t be reading this right now). You can let go. You can. The mere fact that you’re looking for a way to let go of the past means that you will eventually do so—whether you decide to do so now or later (after wasting even more precious time) is up to you. The greatest motivator of all. I used to blame what happened in the past for all the failure and pain in my current life. Now, I blame my past for the confidence, strength, and love that I draw from and attract. I blame my past for the ability to act on red flags instead of investigating them. I no longer need to reframe the past as a means to drive vengeful action in the present. I can act in the present moment because I am no longer overwhelmed. If I had a perfect childhood, a perfect family, a perfect upbringing, etc., I wouldn’t have such a burning desire for the best. Letting go of the past has ignited my passion and propelled me to live the kind of life I never thought I could call my own.
You are so much more than what came and went.
