When I think about the stages of separation, I immediately think about the five stages of grief. If you’re not familiar with the five stages of grief, I’m sure you’ve at least heard of them before.
Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler Ross presented these stages in her book (published in 1969) on death and dying. This book (which included the five stages of grief) was inspired by her work with the terminally ill. The Kubler-Ross model assumes that people in grief Thrones experience a series of five emotions, or” stages”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
If you want to look more in-depth at these stages, see the studies that refute and support this highly influential concept, and get more information, you can easily do your research online. David Kessler, who co-authored a book with Kubler Ross, recently wrote about the” sixth stage ” of grief he discovered: meaning.
After the death of his son, David heartbreakingly confirmed firsthand how the process is non-linear, not progressive, and not predictable.
I am not a doctor, a medical specialist, or a licensed or certified professional in anything (and I have never claimed or presented myself as such). My education came from life experiences, not from the classroom. I have the utmost respect for the psychological and psychological professional community and I am honored to work with many people around the world from the professional community.
Although I did not conduct clinical studies in a school environment, I survived the people, relationships, situations, and circumstances that I was convinced of.
I have been going to war with parts of myself for years, I was ashamed to admit. And although I’m still pretty much a work in progress, I’ve come out on the other end.
Currently, I work with clients in 31 countries around the world many of whom are grieving the loss of a person and a relationship that was never meant to disappear. Not only was I emotionally suicidal, but I talked to people every day who were emotionally suicidal because of the soul-shattering pain of a breakup with a selfish, emotionally unintelligent individual who lacks self-awareness, empathy, maturity, and a life outside of their selfish needs. They may also think that the truth has versions.
I see the stages of separation that people go through, in real time, every day.
Over the years, I have noticed many commonalities when it comes to the stages of breaking up with a toxic ex.
I define a toxic person as anyone who gets validation by exploiting your hunger for their own.
Holes can be drilled in literally anything and there are exceptions to every rule.
Yes, people of all races, orientations, and circumstances face many specific differences. But I’ve noticed that pain is pain; investing in a relational Ponzi scheme will never get consistent returns, and it’s a lot of the same bullshit*t – just different body parts and dynamics.
I write from the perspective of a straight woman because it’s the only real perspective I can write from. But I feel as if these stages of separation that I have come to (after going through them myself many times and coaching thousands of people around the world), are very common when it comes to breaking up with a toxic ex.
Whether it’s a breakup in a romantic relationship, friendship, with a family member, a co-worker, etc., Toxic people have a way of making us feel like we are nothing more than a mop launcher. A mop is not enough, I launched them into a profound change and evolution, relational success, and a happier life now that we are no longer in it.
The stages of a breakup are not linear; you may not experience them all.
And only when you reach one stage, you may return to a stage that you already feel that you have gone through.
Related : Should I Text My Ex? 10 Reasons Why You Should Never Text Your Ex
It’s okay.
The truth does not set you free. But if you have never known peace, indifference, freedom, and the joy of emotional independence, you will always find yourself falling back into the shackles of relational toxicity.
No matter what you think you deserve in this life…
If you are more familiar with toxic relationships than you are with healthy and reciprocal ones, certainty will always take precedence over the courage to work on healthy boundaries. Even if it reaffirms the certainty of your pain, perceived worthlessness, and suffering.
This breakup has made you forget how flexible and uncompensated you are.
It’s time to refresh your memory.
The stages of a breakup here serve as a guide to framing, defining, and breaking down what you may be feeling and experiencing.
What are the stages of breaking up with a toxic ex?
- Limiting your relationship with reality
For your ex-lover to be able to continue to live in your head and heart as a person worthy of your time, attention, and love (and also capable of change), you need to actively limit your relationship with reality.
Why?:
Subscribing to reality hurts; the truth hurts and now, it is very painful to accept it.
- Cherry-picking goodness
We cherry-pick the good times of the relationship and the decent qualities of our ex. And then we inflate those little bits of decency – all while turning our back on non-negotiable nonsense at every turn.
We do this because we focus more on the peak of satiety (from small crumbs of “goodness”) than we care about (actually subscribe) and address the shame of hunger (how hungry we have to be for gestures of decency to satisfy us).
- Show them what you are missing while “healing”
Regarding the breakup stages, this makes me laugh because I’ve done it so many times in so many different (embarrassing) ways.
Whether it’s on social media or through mutual friends, we indirectly try to show our toxic ex what is missing on a superficial level while trying to heal on a big level.
I have tried acupuncture, reiki, eating a love prayer, yoga, and meditation, and you
Name it. This was all happening when I was promoting attention at every turn; delivering an indirect performance to get crumbs of validation from an ex who couldn’t even validate himself.
- Rationalization of friendship
There’s no reason we can’t be friends right right?
Wrong.
However, we continue to try to put the square peg in the round hole.
Since we have defined our relationship with reality, we cannot see and do not accept that our ex was never a true friend to us. Therefore, we expect them to be able to establish mutual and mutual friendship just because they are no longer our partner.
That doesn’t make sense. You are not so strong that your (perceived) worthlessness can make an emotionally attached, empathetic, and responsible adult completely break up and abandon his moral code just because he is in a relationship with you.
- Checking, stalking, and obsessing
Nothing ignites stalking and obsession more than a toxic person rejecting the US. Of all the stages of separation, this is one of the most difficult to overcome.
It has never been as easy to check out an ex (without contacting them directly) as it is today. Verification quickly turns into a complete stalking mania. We check their social media several times a day, by car from their house, etc. All to try to keep the pulse in an already confirmed dead-end relationship.
- Falling off your white horse
We “check” (stalk social media) so much (or hear something from a mutual friend) that we get aroused enough to react when something shakes us to our core. Staying on your white horse is emotional intelligence; it’s non-reactive.
By allowing our emotional stimuli to dictate our actions, we inevitably fall off our white horse and break the promises that we tried to fulfill for ourselves. This creates a great deal of shame and embarrassment because it seems that our ex-partner now has the “power.”
Related : The Danger Of Perfectionism: How To Overcome Perfectionism In 7 Steps
Then we try to give our interaction a purpose by looking for closure.
- Closing petition
With all the different stages of a breakup, this person can feel out of control and desperate.
Bottom line: as long as your self-esteem is low and your ex’s toxicity level is high, not only will you not despair of closure, but you will feel that only they can give you the closure you need to move forward healthily. The thing is, if someone treated you so badly that you started going on a lockdown expedition, you have the key to your prison cell. Their mischievous behavior is your closure.
You can’t expect someone who is constantly immature, disrespectful, and dishonest now, suddenly to be mature, respectful, honest, and able to appreciate you, all in the name of closure.
If this could happen, exes all over the world would give me closure and I would be unemployed.
- Self-sabotage
Because of how bad the lockdown request made us feel, we try to “get back out there” and socialize, go out, and maybe even date.
This is about as effective as putting a bandage on cancer.
But because this relationship has drained your sense of reality and self, you end up attracting people, circumstances, situations, and events that confirm your negative belief system. You are looking for erasers everywhere but all you end up finding are people and situations that highlight the absence of your ex.
- Disgust
Of all the stages of a breakup, this is my favorite because once you get here, there is no going back.
You finally reach a point where you are so disgusted, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. Your emotional gag reflex has started with both your ex and her toxicity, along with your toxicity that you can now own and identify with.
- Forgiveness
For me, forgiveness is a modified boundary rooted in acceptance. You accept who your ex is.
You accept what you did/didn’t do and adjust your boundaries accordingly because you prioritize your peace over the chaos and crumbs of the relational amateur hour.
This is how you give your pain a purpose. It’s how you use other people’s toxicity to get you out of your own, once and for all.
It’s how you accept that some people are lessons, some relationships are mirrors, and until you are ready to mercifully address the person staring at you, you will never be free.
If you want to “take revenge”, prioritize your peace. Toxic exes don’t realize the shackles they’re in until they see you opening up on your own.
I will be digging much deeper into these stages soon. This is just an introduction to help you decide where you are and confirm that you are not alone.
