The million-dollar question: Can a narcissist be changed?
I’ve written a few posts about narcissism and I still write about narcissists now and then. Not because I feel that the topic has not been discussed enough-there are a lot of amazing resources regarding narcissism at a clinical level.
I am not a doctor; my education is experimental, not Scholastic. I’m just a girl who found a way out of the madness and managed to deactivate her people-pleasing attraction toward narcissistic friends and lovers by addressing her narcissism.
I was also able to get to the bottom of “Can a narcissist change?”- A question that haunts me, spoils me, and wastes time to which I will never return.
The end of my game here is not to get into a discussion myself. I don’t want to choose different details and exceptions or I have to be so preoccupied with political correctness that I can’t share my opinions based on experience.
My goal is to save time, energy, anxiety, dignity and regret on living a half-life.
Whenever I write about narcissists, it’s to highlight 3 things:
- I used to be attracted to narcissists.
Looking back, these people were completely different animals but the same common type as the high-profile characters of my childhood who were narcissistic and very toxic. As much as these people loved me, their behavior made me question my worth. They also instill a sense of responsibility that they took on for their emotional well-being and shortcomings.
As a child, I remember believing that my failures and lack of value were the reason that circumstances developed around love and acceptance that I unconditionally gave to others. And because I was too young to change my environment, I always tried to please everyone and be ” enough.”This has provided the perfect conditions for lying, inauthenticity, creating drama, rejection, and a lot of unnecessary pain and humiliation from my end.
As an adult, I already could change my environment. But because I haven’t had access to the innate tools to do this, I’m frozen in toxic relationships.
Related : How To Deal With A Narcissist – The Ultimate Guide
The narcissists with whom I have had relationships in my adult life have activated my reverse narcissism. “We always attract what you exude.”
While they prioritized their needs and agenda, I would base my value on the moment when I could divert their attention away from themselves, while at the same time making their selfish, disrespectful, and contradictory behavior revolve around how I was not enough. And exactly like the person I was working so hard to be good enough – I was making everything about me only in the opposite direction, let me take responsibility for your inability to take anything of your own, in some kind way.
You are the mop that brought all the dirty shoes to the yard.
My self-involvement / obsession hit its peak when I started to think that I was too helpless (and also, too strong), my mere presence alone could arouse awareness in others that their emotional shoes were dirty and in need of a good wipe-off.
As if these people weren’t mop hunting before I was in the picture.
Money In My Account self-fulfilling prophecy: I deposited directly.
- I feel that the term “narcissist,” has become so exaggerated and umbrella that anyone who behaves badly in any kind of relationship or dynamic is labeled as such. And I don’t think that’s fair, smart, appropriate or right.
- I know how alluring, attractive, fun, charismatic, stimulating investigation, igniting passion, and addicting narcissists can be.
I also know that for me, these people activated most of the mind, and what if it was fear? Fear that she will change after breaking my heart, sh * ting emotional pants, lying, breaking all boundaries, being completely fine with me blaming myself for everything.
The power of” what if ” is very strong with narcissists. There is a constant fear of them turning back into the person they were for a hot minute at the beginning, living happily ever after, learning a lesson/change. There is a fear that it was all your fault/lack of value/insecurity that temporarily turned pure gold into a turd.
These fears will blur your chances of ever moving on if you let them take over.
The main problem here: reframing your past and moving forward cannot coexist.
In the relational garden, narcissists are what-if weeds. Herbs do not need anything to grow. It will grow through concrete without air, sunlight, or water.
The only way it seems you can uproot whether weeds are from your garden is by knowing for sure that they will not turn into roses the moment you turn your head and accept that they are weeds.
Ducks do not turn into swans just because you decide that you have enough to wait until they turn and turn your head for a moment.
And swans do not become Ducks just because they are in the company of an insecure person.
Ducks can dress up as Swans though. It’s called misrepresentation and it’s unfortunately, very common.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, narcissistic misrepresentation will ignite an investigation rooted in self-blame more than it needs to ignite:
Cleaning, cutting, and removing rose-colored glasses so you can see those red flags.
If you’ve ever wondered, ” Can a narcissist be changed?”Here’s what you need to know + 3 signs that he will never change (whether they are narcissists or not).
Can a narcissist be changed? Firstly, there is a part of me that doesn’t think it’s right to say that someone will never change. I mean, I’ve changed and evolved from my reverse narcissist. Humans are capable of the most incredible transformations and most of us work using only one part of the ability that we have inside.
As much as I don’t think it’s right to say that someone will never change, I also can’t lie about my own experience; I can’t bullshit you guys.
I can not gray the black-and-white facts in an attempt to color within the lines of correctness that would interest only those who are more interested in waving a magnifying glass than taking what serves them.
With all that being said, As far as “Can a narcissist be changed?”That’s what I think:
Narcissists are the easiest toxic types whose exit assumes that they have changed.
Why?:
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, he(for example) will tell you this:
They don't want to settle down anytime soon.
They love dogs and cats.
They love meat so much that ever be a vegetarian.
Blondes Prefer Blondes to brunettes
They are afraid of heights.WHATEVER it is, no matter what. These are just exaggerated examples.
Then they break up with you and then all of a sudden on social media, they’ll post a picture…
They propose to a blonde on a plane before skydiving while holding a cat and declaring love for the new, all-vegan lifestyle.
This is how narcissists build teams and harems. Their only means of emotional survival is not through communication and meaning is the level at which they can provoke a reaction through grandiose and superficial negation. And if you’ve been messed up by one of these people, you’ll be very heartbroken to see her pitifully banished. You will be afraid that it is a fundamental change. It’s not like that. This is the only way these people can feel a sense of importance-by draining you of yours.
Even the most confident people will doubt its value if this happens.
This negation is the cheapest form of attention promotion because it changes reality as you know it. And if you are busy questioning your worth, you will be too exhausted to identify transactional, attention-promoting tactics. These tactics are purely agenda-driven. They have nothing to do with you but the only form of oxygen for narcissists: your reaction to them. Nothing destroys these people more or brings out their true colors faster than talking about your actions and staying silent.
Can a narcissist be changed?
I think everyone is capable of change. Whether a narcissist is capable of change is debatable, so let’s focus on what is not debatable: eternal change will never happen unless there is an urgent desire to change already.
Related : 13 subtle mind tricks manipulators use to gain control over your
There must be a willingness and ability to take the time to recognize the impact of their actions, their destruction, and their toxicity. They need to take responsibility and apologize without having to lead the horse into the water for any of this. If you have to organize someone’s humanity, this is not a signal to get out of your saxophone. It’s a signal to fold.
For a narcissist to change, they must be responsible and adjust through generous and selfless action. Such actions should be rooted in a personal desire for change matter what kind of narcissistic panic is associated with loss, exposure, mistake, loss of control, or failure to satisfy his selfish needs at the expense of your well-being.
As Tony Robbins says, “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. “I think that’s why reverse narcissists are more likely to get up from their emotional asses and make a change. I know that this is the case for me.
It hurts physically, intellectually, spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally to be a mop.
Surely a person with dirty shoes must be entrenched in one hell of a lot of separation, insecurity, and pain to turn another person into a mop. However, the fact that they can position themselves to get their needs met by manipulating and moving away from someone else’s mop while being pillars-I mean, come on.
Narcissists being able to see their partner bend backward for them because of feeling unworthy of them is generally way too sweet of a deal to ever have a genuine desire to change.
Reverse narcissists are more inclined to change because although they exaggerate it to a fault, they can put themselves in the shoes of others. Narcissists are sympathetically bankrupt. They can’t put themselves in the place of anyone else except their own.
The question is not, “Can a narcissist be changed?”As far as it is,” does he/she see anything wrong with the way he/she works?”
Do they see enough wrong in the way they work to take action instead of falling behind to revert to grandiose words and more fake promises in the future?
Can a narcissist be changed?
It’s a short life. And just as you have no right to take ownership of other people’s emotional disabilities, you have no right to change or save anyone from being what he is. It’s not your job to change anyone unless they are diapers for the baby – not the emotional ones of a grown adult.
And if you are dead on being “good enough” for those who are reluctant to reform, trust me when I say that if they want to change, you will not destroy yourself in the process.
Stay away from people who are bad for you. Toxicity flushes at every turn.
Appreciate your peace more than the crumbs appreciate from a person who does not even know what a loaf is.
If someone can mop you, waiting for them to change is like waiting for the sky to turn green.
3 signs that he/she will never change
They are incredible at the beginning/honeymoon period but when faced with challenges such as the need to be responsible, apologize, be honest, let their caution down, deal with hardships, having a mirror put up for their questionable actions/mistakes (which we all make because we are human beings), they deviate, work out more, blame you, get defensive, etc. If difficult times reveal the true colors of unavailability, lack of empathy, insincerity, and selfishness, I would not have to wait around for change and would not waste my time being on the call of the psychologist/performance coach of this person.
They are habits/patterns that do not change when they are faced with the same type of situation/trigger that initially caused pain, friction, drama, etc.
They can't admit a mistake unless your evidence is irrefutable. If they do admit a mistake, they tend to at first, point all the relational "I" and cross all the "T," so that they can feel on top and disingenuous. The same Bachelor inevitably happens again. And again. Your goal should never be to reduce adult adults to avoid his / her triggers and report to you. You're not a toxicology surveillance officer. The things that motivate us in life will never disappear. What dictates real, eternal, and real change is a different response to the same operator/situation / person, etc.
