Before we get into the signs of dating a pathological liar, I want to give you some basic information about my personal experience with lying.
I’ve never been a pathological liar but I used to be a compulsive liar.
As early as my childhood, lying became a habit that quickly became a way of life. I had well-meaning parents who taught me not to lie but in my little mind, there was no other choice. As I grew up, so did my self-deception, insecurity, and ability to paint a completely different picture of who, unbeknownst to me, most people could see right through. Lying continued well into his teens and early twenties. I didn’t have an awareness of what I was doing now, but I knew the difference between right and wrong. The extent to which we will justify the mistake of lying in the name of emotional survival is incredible. I had to lie.
Without a lie, everyone would be in the joke that I awkwardly tried to be the only one in…
The fact that I was a joke.
There are a Million Reasons Why I feel like I have no choice but to lie at such a young age. And there are a million other reasons why I kept lying when I was a teenager and a young adult.
A lot of them had to do with the atmosphere in which I grew up. A lot of it was about watching adults lie and being around some family members who were so insecure, that they got the satisfaction of being “gotcha!”The police. They were shaming me to others behind my back in the name of expressing anxiety instead of having real anxiety to ask me if I was okay.
In the end, no one made me lie. I chose that.
If you’re lying, you’re lonely.
The root of the weed that lies is, the liar’s belief will always be that it is not enough. And there is no more lonely place to be than the space of feeling like you don’t deserve.
If I didn’t feel that my truth was pathetic, I would never have felt the need for compulsive lying.
Anyone who habitually lies is on a self-made life raft that shrinks very quickly until another lie is told.
Having one identity is hard enough but when you lie, you have to keep up with multiple ones. These identities were born with shame, anger, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, insecurity, and pain. The funny thing is, I lied to keep people around when all it did was turn off the right people, raising abandonment issues and, in turn, attracting toxic people who took advantage of insecurities that required me to lie at the compulsive level I was at.
How I stopped being a compulsive liar is another post for another time. I started to become more concerned about the effects of my lies than people just knowing the truth. I was so tired of myself, my transcendence, the drama I created, and my nonsense, that the truth began to become less terrible. I realized that although people may be hurt, disgusted, happy, sad, etc. From hearing my truth they at least had less respect for me to be honest. Then I started attracting better people and better relationships into my life.
By taking this step to improve myself, I simultaneously improved my relationship with myself. Over time, I began to build respect for myself.
Self-esteem and pathological (or compulsive) lying cannot coexist.
When it comes to dating or any kind of relationship, the level at which you deceive yourself will always reflect the tolerance you have for others who deceive you.
If you engage in self-deception, you will be more likely to excuse others when they lie to you.
You will cling to the little crumbs of truth in their lies because deep down you don’t think you are good enough for the whole truth. Thus, you are working hard to grasp them instead of folding and getting the f*ck out of Dodge.
We all lie from time to time. According to a study conducted at the University of Massachusetts, sixty percent of people cannot have a conversation for 10 minutes without lying at least once.
However…
There is a big difference between dating someone who has lied once in a while and someone who is a compulsive liar or even worse, a pathological liar.
When a lie gets out of control, it is referred to as compulsive. It can also be pathological. Although the definitions are smooth, I think there are differences. Either way, a relationship with a pathological liar or a compulsive liar will be the worst relationship of your life. The relationship you have with them will be as bad as the one they have with themselves. You can never “save” a liar. You can just walk away. It is impossible to have a real connection, relationship, or any kind of intimacy with these people.
Compulsive liar vs Pathological Liar
A compulsive liar will usually exaggerate and embellish in an attempt to be seen, and heard, and amplify their fragile ego. A pathological liar will lie for many of the same reasons, but when you realize that they are lying and call them to it-they will continue to lie and will not feel bad about it. When summoned, a pathological liar will reveal even more incredible details in their hateful stories. Even when they are presented with irrefutable evidence and all the proverbial receipts, they will continue to do so. It will make you feel crazy. This is how pathological lying works.
A compulsive liar lies to feel more important. A pathological liar lies as a form of manipulation to get his way while robbing you of your ability to trust. They are manipulative, smart, cheeky, and cunning, and most of the time, they have their selfish agenda and self-serving goals in mind when they lie. Everyone handed them over. They are empathetically broke and do not care about the feelings and emotional well-being of others their romantic partners, family, and friends. They don’t care about anything other than their needs and their agenda.
Compulsive liars are uncomfortable with the truth and will lie that there seems to be no reason or ultimate goal. Pathological liars have a selfish agenda. They both feel incredibly small and work on their insecure level of illusion.
You will never be able to tell when these people are honest and when they are bullshit * ting you. Unlike a compulsive liar, there are much fewer signs with a pathological liar.
Pathological liars are more fearful. They lie about things that you would never imagine someone could lie about or might lie about.
Here are 10 signs that you are in a relationship with a pathological liar…
- No matter what the pathological liar claims, they are all about themselves.
It doesn’t matter how much they try to come across as sympathetic and selfless. A pathological liar tells very theatrical stories and can be very great. They like to feel like the big man/woman on campus and get down to triangulation, creating drama and inciting jealousy. The more people can fight over them and fight for their attention, the better. They are extremely narcissistic and have sociopathic tendencies if not complete sociopathy. To you, it will seem that she threw everyone but you.
- They are highly competitive and have an extreme fear of failure.
They may not look competitive outwardly but internally, they have to win at any cost. Your success is not for them. When you win or accomplish anything, they congratulate you but negatively underestimate it. Because they are very insecure, everything is a competition and they can never be happy for others.
For them, winning is a matter of passionate life and death. They have to lie because they don’t believe in themselves enough to become real, to be honest, and dare to become what they make up.
With a pathological liar, failure should be avoided at all costs because it confirms the failure they feel deep down. And when they fail (which is more often than you think), they never learn from it. They just point fingers.
- Low self-esteem.
Such people are arrogant and distrustful. There is a big difference. And remember that cocky people do everything to seem to be the hardest, safest, most desirable, but the weakest, safest, inflated, and fragile. They hate who they are.
- They are attention seekers.
They constantly need an ego boost and will flirt with anyone or anything that gives them a morsel of attention, validation, or response. They will even brag about the dog choosing their leg to the hump.
- A pathological liar will lie in ways you would never expect.
They have no problem seriously throwing others (even their friends, co-workers, family members) under the bus to keep their lies going.
- They use just enough truth to bind you into believing them.
A pathological liar will offer explanations that are sprinkled with enough truth to mind and * freak you into ignoring your intuition and staying with them.
- If they admit their lies, the pathological liar will still usually lie and create new lies during their confession.
Although most pathological liars do not believe their lies, some do not come clean. Do not buy into it.
If there is ever a “clean coming” moment, it’s generally to gain sympathy and always tactical recognition, never tenderly.
Recently, a pathological liar told me (after admitting some seriously annoying lies), that now she is completely unable to tell a lie – again.
Not only is this unreasonable, but it is another indicator of pure illusion. I would have a lot of respect for someone who admitted to lying and expressed that they knew that they would still suffer naturally (because this was a lifelong habit) but they needed sympathy and support from loved ones to stay on track.
- Relationships with their friends and family are unstable.
With a pathological liar, there is always some kind of drama, jealousy, misunderstandings, and a falling out going on in their life. Such people also like to think that they have a lot of jealous “haters”.”
- They lie about the smallest things and also, they will lie about very big and defamatory things, you will never believe that they dare to lie on this level.
If a person is going to lie about the most insignificant and dumb thing that does not serve any purpose, then he is more likely to lie about other, larger things.
Keep your antennas and know when to fold them.
If they lie about big things that can damage the reputation of others, believe me when I say, they lie about small things too.
- You feel crazy, guilty, uncool, “too cruel,” pathetic, and like you need to “get a life” when you are around them.
Pathological liars are masters at…
Distort your reality (gas lighting).
Destroy your ability to trust and then, describe it as " trust issues.”
Aberration. They make you feel pathetic and crazy for trying to get verified on their ever-changing stories.Bottom line: you deserve more and you know it.
Give one part of your love to yourself that you give to anyone who tries to control your emotional weather by lies, and you will never miss them. You will feel sorry for them.
Little by little, you start missing you-you who honors and appreciates his / her intuition rather than the person who allowed a pathological liar to urinate on it while you kept telling yourself that it was raining
