How To Deal With Toxic Family Members (& Maintain Your Sanity)

This is an important function. The most important post I’ve written here on the blog. It’s also a maze of the situation you have to be in. I don’t know if I can do this after Justice, because there is nothing simple in knowing how to deal with toxic family members.

Here is what we all know:

Toxic coworkers are difficult and can be harmful.
Toxic romances are difficult and can be harmful.
Toxic friendships are difficult and can be harmful.

Therefore, we know that the same applies to toxic family members. However, it is a particularly insidious relationship, since our family is supposed to be the haven to which we return in life.
We can choose our friends, but our family is a no-choice deal.

For better or for worse, these are your relatives. Love them, hate them, or loathe them.

It is the place where we first learn about love, boundaries, and how to connect with others.
It is where we learn patterns or otherwise.
It is the place where we learn the value of loyalty, love, care, and appreciation.

Unfortunately, these qualities are sometimes learned through growing up and being deprived of them.

This is a naked truth. Not fun, but a fact nevertheless.

Toxicity in relationships. There are four ways it presents itself:

Physical abuse
Psychological abuse
Emotional abuse
Sexual assault

First, know that if you are in a situation where you are dealing with toxic family members (or anyone else for that matter)…

When a family member is toxic, remember that you don’t deserve to be mistreated or abused. We are supposed to thrive, be happy, and feel loved, and cared for. To be safe. If you are dealing with a toxic family member who shows no respect for your feelings or boundaries, as overwhelming as it can be, it doesn’t have to be yours forever. Staying away from a toxic family can be defined in several ways.

We start life belonging to a special group, taking such people for granted in some ways, like those who will always be there for us. We call them our family. People with whom we share special traditions, things we do on birthdays, on Christmas, or holidays, ways that are passed down through generations.

We share recipes, physical qualities, legacy, and secrets. Sometimes we also share toxic traits with toxic parents; behaviors that serve no one but exist anyway.

This is where the maze becomes twisted.

We can’t give free passes to a family just because it’s a family. If you are dealing with a destructive relative, it is no more acceptable than it would be in any other individual.

Excuses-not reasons.

Some people harm others and refuse to own their behavior in any way. They are full of excuses, or others make excuses for them. Well-being is of no importance here. And we feel guilty.

As a child, there is little or nothing we can do about a parent who is addicted to alcohol, or drugs, in and out of relationships, violent, verbally abusive, sexually inappropriate, or narcissistic. This is a farce. We have to live with it. This everyday life, our reality, becomes the way we grow up. What is more difficult, is almost always, toxic family members do not care about the negative impact they have on others. We have to. Our growth and development.

Unfortunately, other family members who are aware of the toxicity are often either powerless to change it or too afraid to make any attempt to intervene. In a way, this is one of the most difficult things to swallow about a toxic family member: sometimes others we trust and rely on, Enable and support their illness by covering it up or justifying it.
People may turn a blind eye to the behavior of a toxic person. Especially when we try to bring it to light:

“Oh, he didn’t mean that.”

“I didn’t see him hit you…”

“She swore at you only because she was drunk. She was not the same.”

“You are very sensitive.”

“Don’t bother anyone. Just don’t say anything.”

“Let the sleeping dogs lie.”

“You must have done something to make her angry, otherwise she wouldn’t have reacted in this way.”

Such transactions are also toxic because they do not allow us to deal with anything. Everything gets swept under the proverbial carpet.

We also learn to behave in a certain way related to the toxicity with which we are dealing. We may feel that we have no voice. We may often feel that we are walking on eggshells. We may feel anxiety, fear, anger, or a combination of these. We may find ourselves developing behaviors that rely on cooperation. We may have distorted ideas about disagreements, conflict, and how to share our feelings. What we grow up with may not coincide with what we see in the outside world.
Some of the basic messages we receive when dealing with toxic family members are:

We’re not good enough.

We are not important.

We are not a priority.

We have no right to complain.

We are a nuisance.

We are not proud of him.

We are the problem.

We are not loved.

We are not worthy.

We are losers.

And…

Our feelings don’t matter.

Our desires and needs are not important and therefore, are ignored.

Our opinions mean nothing.

Our thoughts are stupid and meaningless.

Our safety is not important.

Our mental well-being is not important.

Our happiness is not important.
What are some examples of toxic family member dynamics?

This list is not exhaustive. It’s just a guide.

Some examples include:

Alcohol abuse (this can be obvious without someone being an alcoholic).
The use of drugs.
Other addictions such as gambling, sex, medication, work, and spending.
Violence-through anger, after drinking, taking drugs, or any combination of these.
Rely on crime to bring income.
Personality disorders.
Learned behaviors are transmitted from other generations.

Toxic people change the family dynamic because they create dysfunctional patterns of attachment to others which in turn set an unstable tendency for how life works. Negative circumstances continue to generate more dysfunction, which has a ripple effect on other family members. Anger is a problem. He says and does things that should never be said or done. Emotionally destructive behaviors are widespread. Often there is a refusal to consider the needs of others and the sense of security is eroded.

A significant part of the problem is because the emphasis is not on caring for the family, but on accommodating dysfunctional behavior and the person responsible for it.
What happens to us if we are dealing with a toxic family member and what does it look like?

The biggest thing is happening: our borders are changing. We transform them so that we can cope with the circumstances. We normalize the abusive treatment, so it seems easier to tolerate it. It becomes our reality. We are learning to navigate in it.
What kind of behaviors do toxic family members exhibit?

Control. We expect us to make decisions that they agree with and belittle us if we don't. Sarcasm," jokes " and failures may be used to undermine us even more.
Manage everything in our life. This is control when it is"completely out of control".
Threats. Telling us things will be taken or rejected unless we do things in a certain way. Their way. Our views and feelings are not taken into account, only theirs.
Constant criticism. About our lives, views, opinions, religious beliefs, dress code, FRIENDS, career choices, sex.
Gas lighting. Turning the things they said around, to make us feel like the problem has been misunderstood / confusing things: denying what they said and making us feel like going crazy
Blame it. He is always ours. We are the reason that something is not good; we are the problem and cause the toxic family member to feel bad.
Reject our feelings. We are not given a voice, a choice, or a second thought. We do not appreciate
Negligence. Failure to take care of a minor if he is sick; failure to provide proper food and emotional support. Not paying attention to us, refusing our support and help when needed.
Emotional abuse. Silent therapies, laughter/ridicule of the individual, verbal abuse, and mind games.
The lies. He said to cover up the things that were said and done or to manipulate.

How do I talk about this?

Something to consider…

Sometimes toxic family members do not realize that the way they behave is harmful and destructive. There are those members who know but go ahead and do it anyway.

If you think that a toxic family member is not aware of the harm he is causing, you have a chance to confront him and discuss his behavior and the negative impact it is having.

If they are truly unaware of the negativity they are creating, and they care, it is possible that through honest discussion some change is likely to occur. Perhaps this is the beginning of a new way of communicating with each other. Sometimes taking some time off can give everyone the space they need to reevaluate and try again.

It allows you to feel happy, desired, loved and appreciated. Confronting someone you love but find toxic can be powerful. You decide what outcome you want and contact the toxic party, letting them know the rules you need to respect if they are to interact with you.

For example, if alcohol is a problem, you will only visit or see her if there is no drinking. If the problem is that they do not like your partner and become cynical and difficult when around them, ruining everything for everyone – explain that you will not accept this, and if it starts, you will both leave.

These types of rules are not manipulative. They set clear boundaries that define how you would like to be treated. Everything will go ahead as planned unless things become abusive. This is healthy.

Be sure to apply your own rules. Stand by them. If you do not value them, then a toxic family member certainly will not.

Creating change by being change.
How to deal with toxic family members: is it ever OK to walk away and cut them off?

I can’t answer this to everyone. Sometimes it is the only option. But choosing to cut someone for good is not the solution for some. If you are alone and have been abused in private hidden from others, you owe it to yourself to come out.

Anything that is hidden from others but happens to you in private is a reason to leave and find your own safe space. Never accept being someone’s emotional punching bag or physical bag. Sometimes leaving gives you space to connect with someone in a new, safer, and more self-empowering way.

A child cannot make this choice, but as adults, we can. We can choose. Get out of the house, move away. Put your independence stamp on your life. Learning to be self-sufficient is a difficult but rewarding adventure when you have escaped from the clutches of a toxic family that wants to control and define you.

Toxic family dynamics can be an undercurrent. Some families look for very functional-respectable career paths, smart people, and a nice family home, comfortable for financial wealth.

However, what goes on behind closed doors in the same house with these “functional people” may be a devastating combination of physical and mental abuse, verbal torment, and mind games. However, everyone wakes up the next day to go out into the world and behave normally.

Dealing with toxic family members is difficult. And it’s often a dirty secret that we want to hide. So, how else can you deal with them?

It all comes back to…

The border.

You may not be able to stop them.

But you don’t have to be them.
How to deal with toxic family members?

If you feel offended and unloved and indifferent but are trying to put up with it because it comes from a family member-protect yourself.
Keep your distance as much as you can. Watch for trigger situations and avoid them, do not participate if you can avoid it.

Also, know this: you are not there to fix them.

You don't have to help and help them through every crisis and drama that they are involved with. Sometimes, treatment gets worse before it gets better, so be clear about your limits and enforce them.
Expect them not to like your limits. Do not buy emotional and manipulative arguments about your requests, just stand by them.
If you can't get support from other family members who are also aware of the situation – do your best to love yourself.

Self-care is your priority.

Talk to someone you trust and can trust. Get some help from a professional or seek legal advice if you have real concerns about your safety or mental health.
Don't keep everything under wraps. There is a saying "We are only as sick as our secrets". Think about it. What are you hiding? And why? Perhaps it is connected with guilt and shame in connection with the circumstances of your family. If you know you need help, get it. Love yourself enough to do this. Remember: self-care is your priority when you are in a toxic situation.

We have all heard about blood being “thicker than water” but with a toxic family member, a strong and healthy bond is not created. The association does not exist healthily and sustainably.

The main message: This is what relationships are about bonds between people.

You owe yourself the highest duty of care when toxic family members are unable to treat you with decency, love, and respect. You owe it to yourself to stay emotionally untangled so that you can stay emotionally healthy. To identify those toxic family patterns and behaviors. Recognize and not accept the destructive consequences of these behaviors.

I’ll say it again: remember, relationships are all about bonds. Stay healthy, keep your boundaries strong, and stay away from toxic people and situations that reflect any destruction you grew up with.

If it still happens with toxic family members, then you need to protect yourself from further harm by distancing yourself. Do not give endless opportunities to abusive people. If they are a family, this incredibly complicates it, but abuse is abuse. We can learn all kinds of unhealthy behaviors when living with toxicity. We change our boundaries and accept, excuse, and overlook unhealthy patterns and sometimes we start acting the same way.

By staying healthy, you allow yourself to create bonds with other healthy people. This is where you will find the love and peace you are looking for. Sometimes the tribe with which we communicate is not the same people with whom we grew up. Sometimes the love and kindness we receive are not from those with whom we share blood ties. Grieve her, but don’t let her freeze in time.

Time is the only thing we can’t go back to. Gone, spent, wasted. The past should not determine your future. Don’t waste your time watering rocks (I’ve said this before) and don’t waste your time hoping that someone will turn out to be the one you desperately wish for.

There are varying degrees of toxicity in relationships but dealing with toxic people is draining. Nothing is simple. Everything seems to be a drama; The goalposts keep shifting and you can end up hurting and feeling very vulnerable about yourself. Over time, you may also be filled with unresolved anger.

Trust these feelings because they come from your intuition. Know that these feelings tell you to find a way to stay safe and feel appreciated. No matter how difficult it is, sometimes we have to accept that the people who should mean the most to us, are sometimes the ones who do it the least for us.

Accept that you cannot change them, it is not your responsibility to fix them and there is probably nothing you have done to contribute to their behavior.

If you are struggling to break free from the family dynamic you are used to, write down the behaviors you would like to see in others. Write down the things you want to hear, do, and feel with others. This is where you want to put your focus.
Breaking the chain

I think that even in negative situations, there is usually something good to find. My story is one where it took me years to find myself, but it was a goal I never gave up on.

I clung to that goal and it gave me the fuel to keep going through the times when I was falling and coming back again. I had my core values and I wanted to live my life by those. It was worth fighting for. Here’s a nice thing to think about if you are dealing with toxic family members…

Be the one who can not be. Stand up and lead the way to a better way of doing things. A better way of life. A life in which there is love and trust. A new way of thinking.

We are all scarred in some way. We all have a past. Many of us have experienced unimaginable pain, damage, and pain. These scars are a reminder that you fought, that you survived and you chose the way you want to live your life.

We are not the sum of the people who hurt or hurt us. We are people who have lived with things we don’t like or want and have moved on and want to thrive. To live. Not being in the world of someone else’s toxic pain and shame. To make sure that we will not repeat the same toxicologist.

Break the chain!

There is a big difference between tolerating family toxicity and feeling powerless to change it – instead of setting our boundaries about what we will accept and what we will not. Stand by your limits.

And one more thing to remember…

Even if someone else cannot respect these boundaries – as long as you do, you can move on.

In the darkest places, the smallest slither of light can shine the brightest.

Don't let destructive people define you.
Look at your value when others cannot.
Treat yourself with self-love and decide on the person you want to be. Work for it.
Set goals for yourself that mean something to you and stay focused on them.
Stop wanting people who cannot love, accept, and support you to fill your Aquarius with happiness and make you feel good.
Fill your bucket and protect your happiness. You deserve it.
Find out in this huge world what makes you feel good. Focus on that.
Do the things you like, go to places where you feel good, and choose like-minded people who are interested in you.
Spend time with people who are pleasant to be around. Do not tolerate uncomfortable situations where your boundaries are trampled.

And do not give anyone else the ability to constantly and deliberately treat you badly – even if it’s a family member.
But what if you feel lonely and you have no one? What if she can’t continue the relationship with a toxic family member because it’s too painful?

If you have lived with a very toxic family relationship and feel emotionally disturbed by it and unable to continue this harmful connection, know this:

Although we all want to be loved and accepted, sometimes we don’t get these things from people we should. You are still loved, and you will still find acceptance in this world. Remember that adversity teaches us that we can survive hardships that we never thought we could. And from this, you learn the boundaries of all boundaries:
You can live without the consent of others.

The difficult part is that we often desperately want the approval of others when we are going through these difficult times. Hardship builds a strong person. You learn very quickly that your priorities are important, especially if they are to the detriment of someone else’s harmful behavior. You communicate with yourself in a way that many people never learn to do.

There is always something great that is born of pain. Some of the most beautiful souls out there learned to take care of themselves because they had to. You may not realize it but you have recognized your worth despite not being recognized or respected by others.

We develop the amazing quality of resilience when faced with criticism and the unloved treatment of others. Flexibility is the bomb because it teaches you to bounce back. You do not absorb the negativity of others. It is like a weatherproof coating. You begin to see and understand that what is happening around you and yours, does not determine your worth. You don’t need to decide what your future is either.

When you don’t need to accept or validate others – you learn who you are. You are making a rock for an institution, not a raft floating along with the ever–changing trend of the tide-or in this case, other people’s agendas or toxic behavior.

You are never alone. You always have yourself.

And when you appreciate yourself, you will know how strong this place is.

My last word is this: when you see unhealthy and harmful patterns in your family, you can make a choice that will end with you.

Be brave.

Be strong.

Be purposeful.

Know that you can be a different person and attract different people. Know that you are not the same. Break the chain. Be that little slither of light let others be responsible for carrying their darkness.