These days, whenever someone shows the slightest hint of ego or self-absorption, it’s all too easy to label them a “narcissist.”
You may have a partner who makes you wonder if they’re a narcissist. Maybe they’re overly self-absorbed or constantly looking for admiration.
But let’s be real: everyone has moments when they’re more focused on themselves. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a full-blown narcissist.
Did you know that only 0.5-1% of the population suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
That’s why it’s so important to separate the myths from the facts, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do today.
In this article, I’ll share 9 clear, fact-based signs that your partner is a narcissist. Hopefully, this will help inform and guide you so you can better understand what narcissism looks like in a relationship.
Let’s get started!
1) They Feel (or at least act) like they’re superior to others
Does your partner act like they’re superior to you and others? Like everything they say, it comes from the Bible – indisputably true and undeniably true.
Well, it comes from the Bible – their holy book.
It’s a self-made text where they are always the hero, the wellspring of wisdom, the unchallenged champion. They know it all, and whatever you say, it doesn’t matter because “you’re wrong!”
I bet it’s hard to solve problems, right? How can you make your voice heard if they reject your opinions or react aggressively to criticism?
You may find yourself constantly trying to bring them down to a lower level, just to feel like you’re on an equal footing.
Or worse, you may start to believe that they’re superior, which can undermine your self-esteem.
A healthy relationship is about lifting each other. There’s no hierarchy of who’s better than the other. With a narcissist, you likely won’t get that kind of support.
2) They think you can’t understand them because only “special” people can
It’s strange that no matter how supportive you are of your partner, a narcissistic partner won’t see it that way.
Why? Because in their mind, you’re just ordinary. And they’re not. How can an ordinary person understand an extraordinary person?
No, only an extraordinary person can understand an extraordinary person.
That’s why, according to HelpGuide.org, “they only want to be associated with people, places, and things that are high status.”
That brings me to my next point…
3) They’re preoccupied with delusions of grandeur
Instead of support, what you’re likely to get is a preoccupation with delusions of power, success, fairy tale romance, or beauty.
Anything grand.
In fact, according to psychologists, this is one way they get your attention and lure you into their web. It’s a tactic called “future faking.”
It’s hard to resist someone who has big dreams, and knows how to weave a fantastic picture of the future you’ll share with them. Who showers you with so much love and affection that you can’t see it.
If you’re an optimist, you’ll see this in a positive light, only to discover too late that it was all just hot air.
But that’s what narcissists tend to do – they run on hope.
4) They Always Need to Be the Center of Attention
Another narcissistic trait is the need to be in the spotlight.
In Psychology Today, Dr. Kristi Lee Parkin talks about this obsession with attention:
“Relationships often serve the purpose of enhancing the narcissist’s status. For example, they may not necessarily want to be parents, but they may change their mind when they realize that it comes with a boost in status and esteem—and a new title of ‘mom’ or ‘dad.'”
It’s a bit of a twisted way of thinking, to be honest, but it’s the reality—in a narcissist’s life, the main star is… you guessed it, themselves.
Everyone else in their orbit is there just to enhance their presence. Support figures, in other words.
5) They Have Very Low Empathy
Ironically, they can’t give you the same level of support that you give them. Because here’s the weird thing about people with narcissistic personality disorder, according to research:
“People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have specific problems with empathy, but these difficulties are limited to the emotional part of it. The cognitive part seems to be preserved and essential for the skill of manipulation and exploitation of others.”
This means that they intellectually know how to use empathy to gain an advantage over you. However, they struggle with using empathy to provide genuine, honest support.
6) They tend to exploit you and others
If this sounds like your partner, you’ve probably felt manipulated in some way.
As you can see, narcissists often use a variety of manipulative tactics to keep you in check, such as:
- Blame and shaming
- Manipulation
- Emotional bombardment
- Emotional blackmail
- Ignoring your boundaries
It’s a longer list than this, but the point is that narcissists exploit others simply because they’re always looking for the “next narcissistic fix,” and they don’t think about how their actions affect others.
I know this sounds sinister, but I don’t mean to paint a sinister picture of them. It’s just to help you recognize the signs so you can be on your guard.
While we’re on the subject, I want to dispel the common myth that “all narcissists are evil.” Dr. Elinor Greenberg of Psychology Today explains it well:
RELATED:9 signs your partner is a narcissist, according to psychology
“Narcissists are neither superheroes nor villains. They are disturbed, highly selfish people with low emotional empathy and a host of other narcissistic issues, and they are busy shoring up their shaky self-esteem.
Again, narcissists may act in hurtful ways, but they are not inherently evil. They simply have a distorted image of themselves. And that may also be why…
7) They Have a Sense of Entitlement
This distorted image gives narcissists a sense of entitlement. They believe that because they are special, they should get everything they want.
Psychologists say this is a core trait of narcissism. It goes beyond the usual entitlement we feel on birthdays and milestones in our lives.
With narcissists, this sense of entitlement is always present, whether or not they have done something to deserve special treatment.
When this sense of entitlement is threatened (such as when they don’t get What they want), they may become hostile. They may resort to behaviors such as:
- Getting into a dark mood
- Wanting to “get back” what was “taken from them”
- Wanting revenge on the offender
The bottom line is that it’s unacceptable (the Karen and Kens of the world’s favorite word) for them not to get what they “deserve.”
8) They Always Need Validation
The funny thing is, you might think that a narcissist, with their inflated sense of self, doesn’t need validation from others.
But the truth is, they do!
Research now shows that it’s insecurity that drives narcissistic behavior, not an inflated sense of self.
According to Mary Kowalczyk, the study’s lead author, “More specifically, the findings suggest that narcissism is best understood as a compensatory adaptation to cope with and cover up low self-esteem.”
This explains why…
9) They Act Arrogant or Haughty
Knowing that narcissists are inherently insecure explains why they act like arrogant assholes.
Going back to the study I mentioned above, what the research shows is that their arrogance is simply a way of dealing with these insecurities.
So, they may brag or act arrogant. Which makes others like them less. Which feeds their insecurities even more. Which makes them brag even more.
It’s a never-ending cycle of arrogant behavior, all because they have low self-esteem.
How to Protect Yourself
Now, a word of caution: If your partner exhibits one or two of these behaviors, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The truth is, that we all have narcissistic traits from time to time.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V), at least five of these criteria must be met for a person to receive a definitive diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
That said, even some narcissistic traits can do a lot of damage to the other partner in the relationship.
So, how can you cope? Here are some ways:
- Understand the behavior. Educate yourself about narcissism so that you can be protected from internalizing their negative behavior as your fault. (It’s not your fault.)
- Set boundaries. Be clear about what you will do and what you will not tolerate. And be clear about the consequences of their crossing too. This is vital for you to stay in control of your life.
- Keep up with your hobbies, interests, and social life. A narcissistic partner can try to isolate you from all that to maintain control. Don’t lose your sense of self!
- Seek support from friends, family, or a professional therapist.
- Practice self-care. Dealing with a narcissistic partner can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.
- Choose your battles. Arguing with a narcissist can consume your energy, so be picky about what it’s worth spending your energy on.
- Focus on reality. Remember that narcissists tend to distort the truth. Trust your judgment and ground yourself in reality.
Sometimes the healthiest option is to leave the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Final thoughts
Narcissists are people who have had their share of struggles as we do. Often behind their difficult behaviors and attitudes lies a complex network of insecurities and self-esteem issues.
However, understanding this does not mean that you have to put up with unhealthy behavior. Compassion is essential, but so is your well-being and happiness.
The key is to find a balance between empathy and self-care.
First of all, I would like to remind you that you are not responsible for fixing or changing your partner.
What you are responsible for is yourself. To set firm boundaries, get support, and do anything that will help you take care of yourself.
And if it involves walking away, so be it. Your long-term happiness depends on it.
[…] Related : 9 signs your partner is a narcissist, according to psychology […]