Ah, the narcissist’s prayer. You may not be familiar with the narcissist’s prayer verse and wonder what it all means. However, by the time you finish reading, you will probably realize that these words have been thrown at you at one point or another if you are dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. There are many strange things that narcissists say as they navigate life to the best of their limited abilities, and these phrases are up there.
The problem is that a narcissistic apology is no apology at all. It’s an infuriating “sorry, not sorry” fake apology that leaves you more frustrated, hurt, and angrier than you were before the abuser opened their mouth. Real apologies are about action and demonstrating change, not empty words that shift blame and leave the victim riding a false roller coaster into the future in blind and desperate hope.
Surviving narcissism is about understanding what happened to you and that it is completely normal and natural to feel the way you do about everything. Understanding the psychology of a narcissist is what helps you get to that mental place and move forward on an enlightened path.
What is a narcissist’s prayer?
The Narcissist’s Prayer is a short but concise piece of writing by Dayna Craig that perfectly illustrates how the mind of a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder works in all its toxic glory. Narcissists provide many justifications for their life-long avoidance of the truth.
“This did not happen.
If that happened, it wasn’t that bad.
If so, this is not a big problem.
If so, it’s not my fault.
If so, I didn’t mean it.
And if you do, you deserve it.
This short verse covers it all; Shifting blame, highlighting, denying, and minimizing bad behavior. In the narcissist’s mind, all feelings are facts; Most of the time, they honestly believe their distorted version of events. For the person receiving this narcissistic apology, there is only endless frustration, confusion, and disbelief.
“This didn’t happen”
First, we have the complete denial and rewriting of history. Narcissists are particularly good at modifying reality to portray themselves as victims or heroes in any given scenario. Sometimes, you may wonder if a narcissist suffers from a rare form of amnesia, where he or she cannot remember past circumstances. Make no mistake, this behavior is a deliberate act on the part of the narcissist and often involves toxic amnesia.
Narcissists don’t like to feel bad about themselves, ever. Since they are already battling feelings of shame and basic worthlessness, which they do their best to hide from the world, they do not appreciate any further reminders of their imperfect way of being. So denying facts and reality is the maladaptive solution.
“And if that happened, it wasn’t that bad.”
Next, we have the minimization. If something does not serve the narcissist or paints them in a negative light, they will dismiss it as irrelevant and unimportant. It doesn’t matter if you’re left upset; Your emotional well-being is not on the narcissist’s radar. You may wonder why narcissists are so mean. Because the narcissist does not see you as another person with an essence and a soul, but merely as an extension of himself. This reasoning is because narcissists do not consider themselves real people. After all, they fail to operate from their true selves.
Related : The Toxic Temptation: Being Addicted to a Narcissist
Narcissists are said to experience life with an overwhelming sense of numbness, living through a fictional character in an illusory existence, known as the false self. There is an unhealthy detachment from their core, which makes it easy for narcissists to act out in all the terrible ways they do and tell themselves that it is justified. There’s a good reason why narcissists’ eyes usually have what’s called a “flat affect”: they don’t occupy their bodies.
Therefore, narcissists must control their environment and everyone around them to feel some kind of stability in their lives. This sad truth is that they feel out of control and are often internally afraid and go through the day trying to keep their fragile self-ego afloat.
“And if that’s the case, it’s not a big deal.”
The narcissist’s prayer was going to include gaslighting. The narcissist’s goal with this statement is to make you question your perception of reality. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder usually make their victims feel like they are making a fuss about nothing or are overly emotional.
The narcissist wants you to believe that you are the problem, not him. One of the classic weird things narcissists say is to accuse their victim of being hysterical, crazy, and mentally unstable. The irony is that these insults are projections of the narcissist’s inner world, whether the narcissist is fully aware of this fact or not. The narcissist wants the other person to become so unsure of themselves and their understanding of reality that they cling to their abuser out of fear, shame, and helplessness.
“And if so, it’s not my fault.”
Part of being a narcissist is that nothing is ever their fault. Shifting blame is a favorite weapon in a narcissist’s arsenal, and they use this tactic regularly. If you are confused by the strange things a narcissist says, remember that much of the narcissist’s verbal output results from a highly dysfunctional and maladaptive emotional way of thinking. While people without the disorder can recognize and understand themselves when they are wrong, narcissists cannot admit that their behavior is less than faultless.
If narcissists hold themselves accountable for even the smallest things, they risk the collapse of their false selves, leaving them exposed, vulnerable, and haunted by feelings of shame. The narcissist is either perfect and unique or worthless and despicable; There is no in-between. Admitting that they are human beings who make mistakes is extremely painful, and the narcissist does not have the emotional maturity to accept this fact. Black-and-white thinking is a hallmark of this personality disorder, and narcissists operate with this mindset on autopilot.
Whenever there is any danger of blaming the narcissist, the victim comes into play. The narcissist will argue that they are a victim of circumstances or someone else and that there was nothing wrong with them.
“And if that’s the case, I didn’t mean it.”
Here we have a classic narcissistic apology; In other words, not apologizing. Narcissists will say whatever it takes to relieve their stress, knowing full well that many will buy their words. Remember, an apology with words only, but lack of action or change is manipulation, nothing less.
A reluctance to take accountability also comes to the fore, as the narcissist aims to distance himself from making mistakes. His condemnation often leads to psychological and existential collapse, and the narcissist is there to avoid this excess pain at all costs.
“And if you do it, you deserve it.”
In this final line of poetry, the narcissist reveals the horror of his rotting soul. Here we have shifting and shifting blame, as the narcissist is fleeing not only responsibility but also from himself.
When a narcissist tells you that you are “worth it,” he or she is projecting his/her toxic shame onto you. The monstrous ego of the false self tells the powerless narcissistic true self that it deserves all its psychological torture daily. There is no relief from this onslaught of sadistic mental abuse and aggression.
When narcissists are overcome by shame, they transfer it to someone else in the hopes that the false self will subside. So, why are narcissists so mean? Because cruelty is all they have ever known. Many narcissists fail to realize that other people are not their abusers, as they often tend to believe, but instead, their false self-creation is the culprit.
Final thoughts on the narcissist’s prayer
Everything about a narcissist’s thought process and modus operandi is illogical to most people. No matter how hard you try, you will never understand the strange ways of a narcissist as long as you do not suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Surviving narcissism is about empowering yourself through research and building a solid foundation of knowledge about this difficult disorder. When you educate yourself in this way, you can understand that the narcissist’s verbal attacks are not personal. I happened to be caught in the crossfire of a constant war inside a very disturbed mind.
The narcissist’s prayers are there to make you angry, and confused, and ultimately erode your self-worth. There are a lot of strange things that narcissists say that can only make sense when you look at them through the eyes of the disorder. Time alone is rarely enough to heal the damage caused by perpetual narcissism. A comprehensive understanding will always be necessary. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder do not live in the same reality as most people. Not only do they have no understanding or respect for the truth, they are deeply afraid of the reality of life.
If you find learning about the narcissist’s prayer and narcissistic apology worthwhile, check out the Emotional Abuse Test for further reading and help.
