7 little-known psychological tricks to outsmart a narcissist

What industries do you think attract the most narcissists?

Well, according to psychology professor Sam Vaknin, narcissists are overrepresented in teaching, the clergy, show business, corporate management, the medical profession, politics, and sports.

I’ve always wondered why my time in corporate finance and education has brought me into contact with so many narcissistic individuals. I think that’s part of the reason.

But why am I telling you this?

Well, because I’ve spent a decade dealing with narcissists day in and day out. And through that, I’ve learned a few tricks that work and a few that don’t. I had to.

Today, I’m going to share them with you.

Let’s get started.

1) Capitalize on Their Desire for Goodwill

As is widely acknowledged, narcissists often have a deep desire to be viewed positively by others. As a Huffington Post article puts it, they “are constantly worried about how people perceive them.”

Knowing this is all well and good, but have you thought about using it to your advantage?

You can. And it works.

It’s about subtly steering narcissists in the direction you want them to go by appealing to their desire for a good reputation. Asking questions like, “How do you think your peers would view this?” or “What would [a respected colleague or boss] think about this approach?” can effectively influence their decisions.

Additionally, by framing your suggestions or feedback in the context of how it will impact their image, you’re more likely to get a positive response.

For example, if you need a narcissistic colleague to collaborate more effectively, you might say, “Working together on this project could enhance how the team views your leadership skills.”

It’s about subtly guiding them to think about the implications of their actions for their reputation, and trust me: it’s much more effective than telling them what to do.

However, it’s important to use this approach wisely and ethically. The goal isn’t to manipulate, but to channel their inherent desire for a good reputation into actions that benefit everyone involved.

2) Use covert positive reinforcement

B.F. Skinner. Does that name ring a bell?

You may remember his famous experiment from your school days. If not, here’s a quick refresher: by rewarding rats with food, Skinner effectively trained rats to press a lever.

But why am I telling you this?

Positive reinforcement also works on narcissists (and Penny from The Big Bang Theory!). Well, it can work on anyone when done well, but it’s a particularly good way to deal with narcissists who can react strongly to criticism.

Let me share an example.

During my time as an academic director at an adult language school, there was a particular teacher whose need for constant appreciation often overshadowed the team dynamics. Confrontation might have escalated the situation, so I used a more restrained strategy.

Whenever he implemented an effective teaching method, I made sure to make a general comment like, “I noticed that your approach in the classroom was effective, let’s all think about incorporating similar techniques.”

This gave him the recognition he sought, and subtly encouraged him to continue to contribute positively. However, perhaps more importantly, it made him more open to feedback and seemed to reduce his need for constant attention in group meetings.

RELATED:9 mind games couples play to test each other’s loyalty

The art of this strategy lies in its subtlety and sincerity. It’s about giving just enough positive feedback to motivate the desired behavior without overemphasizing it in a way that could boost the narcissist’s ego or come across as insincere.

3) Use the “Grey Rock” Method

The above quote is by the late Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius. When he wrote it, he wasn’t referring exclusively to how to deal with a narcissist. But that’s how we’ll use it today.

Sometimes, the best defense against a narcissist’s manipulation is to become uninteresting, otherwise known as the “grey rock” method. These tactics involve making yourself emotionally unresponsive and unengaged, like a dull, unnoticeable gray rock or, as I like to imagine, a cliff that stands still as the waves pound it.

This is especially effective in situations where you can’t avoid interacting but want to minimize the narcissist’s influence. It’s about becoming so uninteresting that the narcissist loses interest in trying to provoke you.

Imagine a scenario in which a narcissistic colleague tries to engage you in a gossip-filled conversation. Instead of actively engaging or even withdrawing, offer neutral, noncommittal responses like “Oh, really?” or “I didn’t notice.” Keep your tone flat, your facial expressions simple, and your responses brief.

By not providing the reaction or drama the narcissist seeks, you effectively remove yourself from their toxic emotional playground.

4) Be a reflective listener

This insight from renowned psychologist Carl Rogers emphasizes a crucial technique for dealing with narcissists: reflective listening. It’s a skill that can turn things around in your favor once you master it. Reflective listening involves listening to the speaker and then thinking about what you’ve heard.

For example, if the narcissist is bragging about their accomplishments, instead of trying to counter or diminish their claims, you might say, “It sounds like you’re proud of what you’ve accomplished.”

This approach acknowledges their feelings without feeding their ego or starting a confrontation. It also gives you time to think and respond strategically.

It’s a delicate art—the goal is to acknowledge empathy but not necessarily agree. By doing so, you create space for a more balanced, less confrontational dialogue. This has been my go-to method in countless interactions throughout my career, and it’s proven effective at disarming the often-charged atmospheres that narcissistic personalities create.

5) Focus on facts, not opinions

In my early 20s, while working in finance, I had a colleague who was adept at twisting narratives and turning opinions into seemingly irrefutable facts. He would challenge the strategies I offered, asserting his opinions so confidently that they sounded like facts.

This is a tactic that narcissists often use to assert dominance and sow doubt. But we can mitigate its impact by focusing steadfastly on the facts.

In response to my colleague’s behavior, I learned that sticking to verifiable information is the way forward. I would calmly respond, “The data shows a different trend,” or “Let’s look at the numbers together.”

Often, as was the case with this colleague, they won’t have the facts on hand to back up their fantasy. Maybe there aren’t any. So what happens next? Nine times out of ten, narcissists back down because they want to protect one of the things they value most: their reputation. They’ll back down and make excuses, but more often than not, they back down.

Yes, this leads to confrontation, but sometimes it’s necessary, especially in group meetings. None of us want to be seen as weak or allow our hard work to be discredited.

But be careful. This approach requires preparation and understanding of the details. And it can backfire when you don’t know what you’re doing.

6) Keep Them in the Dark About Your Personal Life

Okay, this isn’t so much a “trick.” It’s more of a preventative measure, but I’m including it here because of how important it is. I learned this the hard way.

You’ve probably noticed that narcissists are adept at using personal information to manipulate or upset, often in subtle ways that can catch us off guard. So, it’s crucial to be selective about what you share. I’ll leave that up to you, but make sure you pay attention.

This approach helps maintain professional boundaries, protect your privacy, and prevent any personal details from being exploited. With narcissists, revealing less about your personal life often means protecting more of your professional integrity.

7) Know When to Walk Away (and Do It)

This is the last point, but it’s by no means the least important. It’s one of the most important.

I’ve learned through my experiences that the best course of action in dealing with narcissists is to simply walk away.

Narcissists thrive on attention and feedback. When you realize that interaction is going nowhere or is just feeding their ego, then backing away is a wise move.

This might mean physically removing yourself from the conversation, refusing to engage in a heated argument, or some cases, reevaluating your involvement in a project or relationship.

For example, if a meeting with a narcissist becomes unproductive and hostile, a calm statement like, “I don’t think we’re making progress here. Let’s revisit this later” can be an effective way to exit the situation. It’s about asserting your agency and choosing not to engage in dynamics that are detrimental to your well-being and goals.

Withdrawing is not a defeat; it’s a strategic decision that can save you unnecessary stress and conflict. It’s often necessary to maintain your sanity in environments where narcissistic behavior is prevalent.

Bottom Line

So, that’s it, friends.

There are many ways to deal with narcissists. We’ve covered many of them here at Hack Spirit, but these are the ones I’ve personally found to be the most effective.

And they may be helpful to you, too.

I hope this post has provided you with some value, or at the very least, was enjoyable to read.

See you next time.