From the outside looking in, toxic relationships can be hard to understand.
Why would two people stay in a relationship that makes them miserable?
But the truth is, that toxic relationships don’t happen overnight.
They rarely start badly. But somewhere along the way, a budding romance turns sour.
This gradual shift over time means that you don’t always notice it until it’s too late.
Here are some psychological signs to watch out for that indicate things are taking a turn for the worse.
1) You’ve Started Scoring
You can’t seem to help yourself.
It’s like you’re both trying to score points.
Even if you don’t say it out loud yet. You’re silently picking up on every annoying thing each other says and does.
…and you’ll happily use it against each other later.
You’re secretly happy to find out or prove the other wrong.
The rivalry quickly spirals into a downward spiral.
We can forget that to work together and get along, it’s often better to be happy than right in a relationship.
Sure, your ego may feel good for a moment or two, but ultimately it hurts your relationship.
2) You don’t feel like you’re on the same team
There’s no longer enough support between you.
Some days, you feel like you’re going about your daily lives separately.
There’s no work together, so you often feel like you’re alone in the relationship.
You can’t rely on each other. This can be in practical ways, emotional ways, or both.
As a result, you feel increasingly isolated and perhaps even very lonely.
It’s not just that you’re no longer connected, it can often feel like you’re actively drifting apart.
3) Your disagreements and arguments aren’t resolved
It feels like you’re going in circles.
You have the same fights over and over again. But nothing changes.
No matter how much love there is, couples will always clash at some point.
That’s not a bad sign in and of itself.
A therapist once told me that she believes that couples who never argue are a much bigger red flag.
In all likelihood, this means that they are just sitting on their feelings. Eventually, those feelings are bound to come out in malicious ways.
But the way you argue is very important and is a huge indicator of whether your relationship will last.
There should be a point to expressing your concerns to each other, and that point is moving forward.
If you don’t, it suggests that you have some communication issues that are getting in the way.
4) You Don’t Trust Each Other Like You Used to
Sometimes a single act of betrayal can break all trust. But that’s not always the case.
As the quality of your relationship deteriorates, so does the sense that you can count on each other.
It’s not that either of you did anything. It’s more about the general insecurity and unhappiness that’s rocking your relationship.
So you no longer have the same level of trust in yourselves as a couple.
This can lead to jealousy, suspicion, and doubts when you once felt like you never questioned each other’s loyalty.
5) You blame each other for your problems
Things can quickly deteriorate when you stop taking responsibility for yourself in the relationship.
It’s all too easy to point the finger at your partner and assume that they’re the reason you’re feeling unfulfilled and unhappy.
The truth is, that unreasonable expectations can crush a couple.
We unwittingly look to our other half as the missing piece of the puzzle in our lives.
Then when they fail to make us happy all the time, we can end up resenting them (and them).
That’s why making unfair assumptions and demands of each other can be a slippery slope to toxicity.
6) Your relationship is starting to make you feel sad
We all know that things can’t be perfect all the time.
Difficult times happen in a relationship, and that’s completely normal.
But there have to be more good times than bad, or it’s not worth it.
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Of course, the hard part comes in knowing how long we should endure these bad times and whether they will change.
If you’ve been feeling down for some time now, it’s a sign that something is wrong.
- You’ve been complaining to friends and family about the state of things
- You’ve been crying privately about it, even if you’re hiding it
- You don’t look forward to seeing each other
- There’s tension hanging in the air
Be aware of your feelings, they’re like alarms trying to send us signals that something needs our attention.
7) You tolerate bad behavior
You don’t necessarily tolerate bad behavior all the time. But you start to tolerate certain things that you never imagined.
For example, let’s say you’re increasingly the butt of jokes. Your partner makes fun of you and treats it like “just a joke.”
It sounds passive-aggressive and hurts your feelings. But instead of speaking up, you bite your tongue.
Don’t ignore the slow breakdown of healthy boundaries. Because that’s what often happens when you make excuses for someone.
Things turn toxic when what you consider “normal” slowly starts to decline over time.
You get used to being treated a certain way.
It becomes more and more tolerable because it goes unnoticed and gradually creeps up on you.
8) You don’t feel safe and secure in your relationship
To feel comfortable, a few vital ingredients must be present in any relationship.
- Vulnerability
- Honesty
- Healthy Communication
- Respect
Without these basics, we can feel like a cloud of threat is hanging over us.
I’m not talking about a physical threat. If you feel that way, your relationship is toxic and you need to get out of it fast.
I’m talking about an emotional threat.
When we don’t feel appreciated, can’t be our full selves, and don’t feel seen or heard, it’s hard to relax.
9) The quality of your day depends on your mood
I’ve said before that we can’t be responsible for each other’s happiness in life.
That’s true.
But what’s also true is that being around negative people starts to bring us down.
Years ago, I was dating an alcoholic.
Things started to get toxic between us when it seemed like whether or not we were having a good day together depended entirely on his mood at the time.
If he was angry and irritable, he would blow up on me.
I tried to be as upbeat as possible. I wanted to be supportive and there for him.
But in the end, no amount of encouragement was enough to stop his decline.
The energy balance was completely off because his feelings dictated how happy or unhappy we were on any given day.
It gets very exhausting when you’re putting so much energy into trying to make up for what’s missing in your relationship.
Is it too late to change things?
It all depends on how bad things are, and whether you’re both willing to put in the effort to change your relationship for the better.
Abuse should never be tolerated. But some relationships start to slide into toxic behaviors that can still come back from there.
Miscommunication, false assumptions, and taking each other for granted can all contribute to this.
If you want to get back on track, you have to find ways to bridge the gap and get back on the same page.
