Years ago, the Lord gave me a vision of a woman. Inside was a barren world with dead trees and storm clouds in a desert landscape. Outside there was a mirror image of the same scene with the same clouds, dusty terrain and black trees. I struggled with the metaphor for a bit and then the words of Ed Smith, founder of Theophostic Prayer Ministry, came to mind. The basic principle is this: what you feel is what you believe, and what you believe may also be true, because the results will be the same. To me, after years of narcissistic abuse, the vision seemed real. My internal version of reality has greatly affected my ability to correctly perceive my external reality.
Inside, I felt unsafe. Somehow, over and over again, I would find insecure people and then try to make them safe by appeasing them. I had a special talent for repeating my mistakes. Put me in a room with random people and I will instantly gravitate toward the narcissist. My inner reality informs my outer reality. After twenty-five years of teaching and a decade of service, I think this applies to all of us. If you feel empty inside, you will try to fill it, to no avail. If you feel cheated by life, your external reality will show reasons why you are paranoid. If you feel unloved, no matter how many people in your life love you, their love will not reach you. Do you feel rejected? Your life will reflect this exile.
The way home from exile
I find stories of pioneers moving into the great unknown very moving. If you visit the roads they used in their rickety covered wagons, you will find the grooves in their wagon wheels carved deep into the hard soil. Our minds and emotions are like that. We have deep grooves in our neural pathways and so we repeat our cycles. I would like to give you a clear answer that easily solves the problem, but in reality, learning to recognize what is true takes practice. If introspection is not readily available to you, find a mentor, pastor, or therapist. If you know your cycles and the emotions that drive them, here are some new paths for your wagon.
Related : Five Signs that Reconciliation is Impossible
Mindfulness is crucial. I learned how to be safe on the inside by listening to my body’s signal of danger. I measure my surroundings carefully, and more often than not, my body flashes emergency lights when everything should be clear.
Practice, practice, practice. When anxiety rings an alarm bell, I first check whether it is accurate or not. If I am in fact safe, I practice feeling safe. Sometimes I imagine myself in a peaceful hammock, gently swaying on a summer day. I practice relaxation. A year later, peace began to make its nervous way into my mind and body.
Learn self-compassion. I am primarily responsible for myself. No one knows me except God as I know me. At least, when I choose to know myself. Be patient with yourself as you fill those grooves and lift the cart wheels out of their grooves. The cart is heavy, but you have a full life.
Rebuild self-confidence. If you engage in dialogue with your mind, heart, and soul, you begin to realize that many of these truths, you knew all along. As I began my quest to heal from PTSD, I found that I knew that some of the people I chose were not safe. By listening to myself and exploring the feelings I had always avoided, and the burning desire to preserve what had not faded away
At home and at work, we are doomed to repeat our history unless, by God’s grace, the light of His truth, and the fulfillment of our salvation, we allow for the transformation we so desperately need. Often we look for a one-time event to change us. We must get out of our own way to walk the path. I think another name for it is Calvary Road.
