Not everyone gets along: that’s a fact of life.
But some people go beyond being annoying or unfriendly. They’re toxic and infuriating.
It’s like they should come with a warning label about the dangers they pose.
If this sounds like someone you know and you’re wondering if you’re judging them too much, I’ve compiled the following list:
These are the telltale behaviors that define a toxic person.
I’m not saying there’s no redemption for a toxic person, but it’s important to identify them first before you delve into how to deal with them.
Let’s get started:
1) They’re Abusive (Not Just Physically or Sexually)
Abusive behavior is a huge red flag.
Those who engage in behavior that crosses the line are displaying a very toxic trait that diminishes their value as a person.
This can come in many forms.
“Any form of abuse is toxic,” says relationship writer Sarah Regan.
“While physical abuse may come to mind quickly, emotional and verbal abuse also count, whether that person is bullying you, ignoring you, cheating on you, yelling at you, or worse.”
2) There’s Always an Agenda
A toxic person never does anything nice or calls you to say hi and check-in.
There’s always an agenda behind what they do, and they don’t even care to notice it.
They want what they want, and if you’re their vehicle to get it, they’ll cross your path over and over again to hound you.
“It’s all about them,” explains Dr. Abigail Brenner.
“They use other people to achieve whatever their goal may be.”
3) Control is the name of the game
Toxic individuals exhibit controlling and possessive tendencies, which stifle those around them.
They always need to be in control.
Whether it’s a partner monitoring your interactions or a parent dictating your life choices, excessive control can be extremely annoying.
While guidance and advice can certainly be constructive, coercion and restriction turn toxic.
4) Bitter Envy Breeds
We all have moments of envy and resentment, but toxic individuals harbor these feelings constantly.
They can’t get over their resentment and jealousy and it shows up constantly.
If you find yourself around people who are bitterly obsessed with other people’s possessions, it’s a sign of an unhealthy environment.
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This behavior often stems from deep-seated insecurities, but that doesn’t make toxic behaviors any less annoying.
Which brings me to my next point:
5) Intentionally Stirring Up Conflict
Toxic individuals thrive on conflict, sowing the seeds of conflict to advance their agenda.
Toxic people manipulate situations to create discord, prioritizing personal gain over group harmony.
“Toxic people make you choose them over someone else, or something they want over something you want,” says Dr. Brenner.
“Often, this turns into a ‘divide and conquer’ dynamic where the only option is to choose, even to the point of demanding that you cut off other meaningful relationships to please them.”
6) They Need the Spotlight
While selfishness is a common flaw, toxic people elevate it to a way of life.
They want the spotlight on them at all times no matter what, and they will do almost anything to get it.
This includes talking down to others, lying about their work, taking credit for other people’s input, and even actively sabotaging coworkers and people in their lives.
Which brings me to my next point…
7) Sabotage and Undermining Are Common
Beyond envy, toxic individuals actively undermine the success and happiness of others.
Through gossip, manipulation, or direct interference, they seek to divert the course of others’ lives.
Their actions demonstrate their unwillingness to coexist harmoniously, fostering an environment of distrust and hostility.
If you’ve been a victim of this, you know how devastating it can be.
8) Bullying and Intimidation Happens All the Time
Bullying tactics, whether subtle or overt, are widespread among toxic individuals.
This can often take the form of intimidation and ridicule, all aimed at asserting dominance.
If you’re experiencing this type of behavior, it’s imperative to confront it, as abusive bullying behavior tends to only grow in a vacuum.
9) Perpetual Victim Mentality
It’s sad to be a victim or to meet people who have been. There’s nothing shameful about being a victim and people shouldn’t feel the need to hide it.
But adopting a victim mentality and using pity to try to gain power is downright shameful.
It’s a very toxic trait that leads to a downward spiral.
As Matt Higgins writes:
“Generally, high performers live in a place of gratitude.
They don’t feel entitled to success, so they feel excited and grateful when it arrives. But victims live in a place of constant injustice.
They see every bump in the road as confirmation that they’re being unfairly targeted.”
10) Exploiting Trust and Intimacy
Toxic people tend to use trust and intimacy to gain an advantage.
They often exploit trust to hurt you, getting close to you just so they can stab you in the back.
This often coincides with the victim mentality mentioned in the previous point, which makes you feel empathetic and open and then they abuse your trust.
This erodes trust and creates lasting damage in a way that those of us who have dated or been close to toxic people know all too well.
11) Denying Boundaries
Toxic people tend to reject boundaries entirely. They almost always have an agenda, as I mentioned earlier, and they don’t care much about your boundaries.
They want their needs met and they want their words heard.
Your connection and perspective aren’t important to them, or at least they’re willing to overlook them.
This is especially common in romantic relationships.
As therapist Anna Marchenko, LMHC, notes:
“When boundaries slip, the intensity of one’s connection to the other can escalate to an unhealthy level for both individuals.”
12) Emotional Blackmail and Weaponizing Emotions
Toxic individuals use emotions as a weapon, manipulating what’s happening to make others feel guilty.
This can take the form of emotional blackmail (“Do this or I’ll break down”, “Please pretend to agree with me and I’ll give you more affection”, etc…)
Whatever form it takes, weaponizing emotions is a very toxic trait and can cause serious damage in many areas of life.
Speaking of weaponizing emotions…
13) Manipulative tendencies
Manipulation is a very toxic trait, and those who practice it often suffer from narcissism and manipulative tendencies.
They want you to disbelieve your eyes or take all the blame for what goes wrong even when it has nothing to do with you.
They don’t care: they twist what’s going on to suit their desires and vision and expect you to conform.
“People who manipulate emotions spend their energy trying to rewrite reality, to the detriment of everyone around them. They often have narcissistic traits,” explains Higgins.
14) Conversation Hijacking
Toxic personalities often dominate conversations and seek constant validation.
Their constant need for attention distracts from meaningful interactions and overwhelms others’ perspectives.
They may notice, but they don’t care. They see themselves as more important, and they want to steer the conversation in a direction they like.
This direction is usually toward something they want, or to receive validation for their views, or embarrassment or judgment for something they don’t like or envy.
15) Apologies aren’t genuine
We all exhibit toxic behaviors from time to time, but those with a truly toxic personality go even further:
They’re ingrained in these habits and traits and have deeply internalized them.
Even when they’re called on or pressured to apologize, they rarely mean it and usually apologize only out of necessity or to further manipulate you.
This level of toxicity can sometimes make it necessary to cut people out of your life, at least temporarily.
Turning Toxicity into a Trait
Recognizing these traits is the first step toward dealing with them and turning them into a trait.
While personal growth is possible, distancing yourself from extremely toxic individuals may be necessary for your survival.
It’s also important to realize that we all have toxic traits to some degree, it’s just a matter of how much they show up and how fully we confront them.
As psychologist and author Dr. Morgan Anderson explains:
“It’s important to clarify that the word ‘toxic’ has a wide range of meanings.
The level of toxicity varies depending on the trait, the individual, and the degree to which the trait is manifested.”
Those who exhibit the behaviors I have explored above have a very toxic personality. It is important to take this seriously and approach it with caution. While you can act as a mirror for them and gently point out their failings while standing up to them, it is ultimately up to each individual to reflect and become more self-aware to improve.
