Psychological research suggests that some people are highly skilled at hiding their true intentions. These emotional manipulators are adept at manipulating people to get what they want.
Manipulators want to influence, or better yet, control, another person, whether it’s in the context of a romantic, platonic, or professional relationship.
It’s no surprise that manipulation in dysfunctional or abusive relationships is so common.
There’s often a fine line between influencing someone to do something and manipulating them to do it.
For starters, manipulators rely heavily on deception and ulterior motives.
Influencers may prefer one outcome, but all options are presented for consideration. When you’re being manipulated, your ability to make your own choices is taken away from you.
According to psychology, manipulators prefer to use certain phrases to gain someone’s trust and get what they want.
By using these phrases, the manipulator will try to gently steer you toward the outcome they desire. What you or anyone else might want is irrelevant.
Here are seven of these phrases you should be aware of.
1) “Why do these things always happen to me?”
Poor kid.
The main theme of all the tales of misery that emotional manipulators tell is “poor me.” Every long, drawn-out story they tell will mostly focus on the injustices the world has unjustly inflicted on them.
If you can bear to listen to them long enough, you’ll notice that nothing, and I mean nothing, is their fault at all.
They are perpetual victims and incomprehensible martyrs at the mercy of the emotionless crowd around them.
Emotionally mature people acknowledge that they are responsible for their actions and do not play the victim.
2) “Stop manipulating”
On the list of things not to say to your partner during an argument, “Stop manipulating” is definitely in the top ten. It may seem like a harmless enough comment (especially in the heat of battle), but it’s a subtle form of manipulation.
When a manipulator says this, their goal is to invalidate your feelings. So by labeling you as “too sensitive,” they’re both minimizing your reactions and ignoring your feelings.
Psychologists call this manipulation “emotional manipulation,” a technique manipulators use to make you doubt your perception of reality or even your sanity.
They want you to doubt yourself so that you turn to them for advice and guidance.
So if your partner accuses you of being “too sensitive,” don’t dismiss it as a harmless comment. They may be trying to control how you perceive and respond to certain situations.
No, you’re not being too sensitive when you realize that someone is playing with your emotions for their benefit.
3) “Why can’t you take a joke?”
This is closely related to “stop playing with other people’s emotions,” but instead of accusing you of playing with other people’s emotions, they want you to believe that you lack a sense of humor.
For example, my ex once made a disparaging comment about my new hair color. He wasn’t a fan of purple.
I was surprised by the bluntness of the comment. So I told him that comment was uncalled for and bad.
He completely ignored it and claimed he was just joking.
There’s a reason he’s my ex.
It’s a classic manipulation technique. This phrase, under the guise of harmless banter, can make you feel bad or guilty for taking offense to their “joke.”
4) “I hate to ask…”
“But…”
And there’s always a “but.”
Manipulators love this phrase because it sounds like they’re hesitant to ask, but they’ve exhausted all their other options and you’re their last resort.
By presenting their request in this way, manipulators intend to activate your sympathy and make it impossible for you to say no without looking like a huge jerk.
They’re in a desperate situation with their back against the wall – how can you say no?
Experts agree that manipulators use reverse psychology, giving you a chance to save the day while believing the idea was yours all along.
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And you’re happy to help, of course, because that’s what decent people do when someone is in trouble.
So, it’s very important to be aware of and understand these manipulative tactics. It’s certainly commendable to help people in need, but it’s also important not to get carried away by manipulative phrases and let them cloud your judgment.
5) “I’ve never shared this with anyone else before”
This is a classic phrase that manipulators love to use, probably because it works like a charm.
Be honest. You’ve fallen for this trick before, haven’t you? Chances are we all have. When you keep falling for this trap, you might want to stop and do a little self-reflection.
Manipulation tactics cannot work without the victim’s trust and unwitting cooperation.
Luckily for them (and not so luckily for the rest of us), most manipulators have a knack for making friends and gaining their trust quickly.
And this phrase is one of the most effective ways to do that.
Here’s why: When someone shares something very personal with you that they’ve never shared with anyone before, they’re opening up and feeling vulnerable.
It’s endearing and even flattering.
It’s also possible that their vulnerability is just an act of tricking you into trusting them.
Being so open and honest encourages the manipulator to reciprocate. And knowing your vulnerabilities makes it easier for them to manipulate you.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s a beautiful thing when someone trusts you enough to open up to you.
But be wary of people who use this phrase a lot, as they’re likely more interested in manipulating you to further their agenda than in cultivating a real relationship.
6) “You’re so irrational”
Maybe because you’re so “sensitive,” right?
Toxic people are deliberately trying to make you feel like you’re the problem when they’re the real problem. They’ll do their best to convince you that you’re irrational or that you’re the only one who’s wrong.
And let’s be real. Not everything can always be your fault. Math doesn’t work for math.
7) “I’m sorry you feel that way”
Bleach, I think I hate this phrase more than anything else. It’s just so rude and dismissive that it makes me want to scream, I swear.
At first glance, this phrase seems pretty innocent, right? They’re apologizing, so what’s the big deal?
Should we take a closer look?
When you’ve hurt someone, you’d appreciate an apology for the behavior that offended, right?
So saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” is an evasion tactic that manipulative people use to avoid taking responsibility for their words or actions.
It’s an indirect way of saying that your feelings are the real issue, not their unfortunate behavior.
According to psychology, ignoring your feelings and concluding that they’re invalid is called invalidating feelings. It’s a common technique used by professional manipulators.
If someone is always apologizing for your feelings instead of their behavior, that’s a big red flag that you’re dealing with a seasoned manipulator.
Final Thoughts
Sadly, some people target you simply because you have a caring and trusting nature, but that’s how manipulative people get their way in life.
Knowing the tactics of a manipulator is one way you can protect yourself from being taken advantage of. Being educated and prepared can help you avoid falling under the influence of someone who is determined to take advantage of you.
