Trauma is not only the result of bad memories, but also the absence of good memories. Prolonged abuse or trauma invokes visions of verbal and physical violence, but years devoid of good memories are just as damaging. I faced this when my first marriage broke up, knowing I needed to rehab Christmas and birthdays. But just as hard, I faced the reality of knowing that I needed to create enough of a sense of security that the daily norm could begin to generate good feelings, interactions, and memories.
When I married my now, wonderful husband, I didn’t realize that I would need to rehabilitate such common daily interactions as family dinners for more than just my girls.
After nearly five years of marriage to a narcissistic abuser, I worked to make birthdays and other occasions special, a task made difficult by more than a decade of fighting, emotional blackmail, and verbal abuse.
My daughters quickly adapted to family dinners with just the five of us, but Christmas Day, Easter, and Thanksgiving remained fraught with dread.
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Now she was married with two more children on the table, and the clash of family cultures began. Spencer, his son, and his daughter came to the wedding with fond memories of the holidays, but family dinners were rare in his home. I didn’t realize why until my first big dinner with eight of us around the table. Spencer looked miserable and left the table early. I grew up with a great family dinner almost every night. In fact, those years of good memories helped keep me sane during the twelve years I lived with my first husband.
What took me a while to learn was that his family dinner experience ranged from disastrous to violent. Not only were his memories of growing up filled with a host of tragic endings, but the lack of good memories from his childhood was frightening.
In short, we were less a family than a torn group of survivors washed up on the shore of life.
His children were still reeling from their mother and father’s divorce, and my children maintained a good appearance while avoiding the new father figure. It took him years to gain their trust.
Literally, any kind of regular family event has been proven to spark someone’s interest. Every meal, every vacation, every event contains land mines designed to explode into panic attacks, angry tirades, or dissociative comas. I began to realize that I needed to teach each of the children and my husband how to be happy, a heroic endeavor made possible by the collection of happy memories I had from the ages of seven to seventeen. So I embarked on this effort and learned some important lessons along the way.
Sometimes you have to be extravagant. Learning how to have fun is the key to recovering from depression or trauma. When you wait for an emotional explosion or try to avoid being noticed, your good memories leave your body behind. By preparing great dinners or comfort food, and by designing a menu that includes everyone’s favorite foods for the week, every member of our family begins to look forward to dinners. We created safe boundaries and managed conversations by connecting stories. This took several years to develop, but now both the kids and my husband look back very fondly on these extended family dinners. The combination of really good food and developing intimacy at the dinner table made us a family and gave us all a file of really happy memories now that the kids have grown.
Beauty is important. In order to make the holidays fun, I tapped into every neural pathway I could. At Christmas, I designed special Christmas trees. One Christmas, butterflies fluttered over the tree; Another Christmas, little forest creatures nestled between the branches or hanging from the ribbons. I used scented candles. Easter means a beautifully decorated table. Thanksgiving included a large poster that we decorated with highlighters, holiday stickers, and things we were grateful for. We played holiday-appropriate good memories music. And yes, I bought a lot of gifts. But now that everyone is living apart from each other, they remember our birthdays and look forward to their own. This is a big win. My future grandchildren will have good vacations now.
Order is important. You kept a clean house. While I was working, the cleaners helped me. The house wasn’t perfect, but it felt good. She helped each child design their own space. It wasn’t expensive, but everyone had a place to retreat to and the family areas were comfortable and gracious. I didn’t have designer furniture for most of that time; I only cared about making sure the environment could be lived in. My kids brought their friends over for the first time in their lives. They have never had freedom before and they have come a long way to teach their minds and bodies how to feel at home.
Family outings are good. Our first forays into vacationing were a little difficult, but over time we got better at it. We rented cabins or houses. We integrated physical, intellectual and spiritual activities. Battles occurred, but less and less frequently. We all had to relearn how to have a good time. Long walks, silly games, and again, good food and good memories seem to be our magic formula. We also went to some wonderful church conferences that impacted everyone. Who knew that having fun was a skill? But in the absence of good, fun memories, there is no road map to the land of good, clean fun.
When my grandfather died, my grandmother told me that she spent her life trying to give him good memories. His childhood never happened because he took charge of himself from a young age. I then realized what I just mentioned above. The absence of good memories is very debilitating because you must be taught to feel safe, enjoy the relationship, and just celebrate life.
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I’m not writing this with the intention of blaming an overworked mother trying to do it all or be it all. never. I just want to encourage parents to realize that creating good memories is a sacred duty. What constitutes those good memories may be different from one family to another. For my traumatized brood, I used the tools you gave me. I have an eye for beauty, and I love to cook. My children are all very gifted, so long intellectual conversations greased the wheels of relationships.
Later, I realized that God created joy for His children too. Holidays and days of rest were mandated. Rules are in place to keep things clean and organized. Even eating together is sacred in the Bible. Jesus turned water into wine, regularly fed the crowds, and cooked for his disciples. Solomon’s Temple had special vaults to store Israel’s memories and memorabilia.
Good memories strengthen relationships, and are essential for fighting depression, anxiety, and even physical ailments. Good memories provide a platform of support, a baseline of normalcy that protects us. My background has provided the context needed to understand the extent of abuse in my first marriage, as well as the tools needed to somewhat heal the damage caused by it. Do you want to give your children a wonderful gift? While you are teaching them to be responsible adults, teach them to have fun and pure joy. Joy, happiness, whatever you want to call it, heals, protects, and heals wounds of all kinds.
Creating happy memories is about blessing your children and your children’s children. So these are the good times.
