Oh no, you didn’t!
…that’s probably the first thought that comes to a narcissist’s mind when they first realize you’re trying to break free.
But if you think they’ll stop at that, you might want to think again.
Remember, narcissists are all about control, and letting you go without a fight means giving up that control.
So what else can they do?
Get ready.
We’re about to get a peek into a narcissist’s playbook when they realize they’re losing their grip.
1) They Go All Out at Manipulation
Your withdrawal only serves to spur the narcissist’s last-ditch effort to trick you into questioning your memory, your reality, and even your sanity.
They stop at nothing to convince you that you are the problem in the relationship.
While this won’t necessarily stop you from leaving, it can leave you with a massive scar of self-doubt.
So be careful not to fall into this trap.
Having confidence and maintaining your sanity after breaking free from them is the best way to overcome a narcissist.
2) They lure you in
It’s exactly what it sounds like – only this time, it’s not cheese or worms.
In the narcissist’s vocabulary, lure refers to emotional seduction.
They do this by throwing emotional jabs or playing on your emotional vulnerabilities – anything to provoke you into responding.
It could be commenting on a topic they know you’re very sensitive about or showing interest in things that make you feel jealous or upset.
What do they gain from this?
It’s not really about keeping you from pulling away. It’s more about asserting their control.
Because here’s the thing:
Your reaction to every bait they throw is proof that you’re still under their influence.
3) They use guilt to bind you to them
Anyone who’s been in a relationship with a narcissist knows that guilt is a card they love to pull up their sleeve.
It’s one of their most effective cards.
Think about it:
Have you wanted to break up for a long time, but you can’t seem to because you feel guilty about leaving them, especially considering what they’ve done for you?
If you can relate to this, it could be a sign that you’re falling into the trap of narcissism.
The only way to escape this is to free yourself from guilt.
Psychologists advise that the first step is to forgive yourself.
Once you do, break the chains of guilt by putting yourself first to change.
4) They abuse you to keep you from leaving
If guilt doesn’t work, they resort to shaming.
It’s a fancy word for belittling, criticizing, or humiliating others—all signs of narcissism.
Their main goal in doing this is to assert their superiority over you.
But their motivation may be different when they sense you’re drifting away from them.
Humiliating you becomes their way of belittling you to make you feel flawed or worthless.
They do this so you’ll believe that you’re good for nothing, and therefore no one else is worth it.
If you’re affected by this, you may end up believing that you’re better off staying with them than risking being alone.
If this is irritating to you, it’s time to remind yourself of this:
You’re worth more than that.
5) They Sabotage Themselves
If you’re wondering how far narcissists will go just to keep you under their control, here’s a hint:
According to trauma and narcissistic abuse expert Dr. Melissa Kalt, they’ll go so far as to sabotage themselves if it means you stay.
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She says they may do things to their health or career, like getting fired from work or intentionally slipping and injuring an arm or breaking a bone.
They do this to play on your sympathy because they know that your kind heart would never leave them in that situation.
Talk about going the extra mile!
6) They Promise to Change
Speaking of being extra, narcissists also like to use exaggerated promises of change when you threaten to leave.
It’s easy to feel like these promises are something they intend to keep, especially because you see them putting in the effort to make changes.
But don’t be fooled.
While narcissists are theoretically capable of change, the reality is that these promises are more than just appearances.
Once they’ve lured you back, their cycle of narcissistic abuse—the one that made you want to leave in the first place—begins all over again.
7) They Provide Intermittent Reinforcement
Another element of the narcissistic cycle is intermittent reinforcement.
Psychologists describe this as a trauma bond that draws you in as if you were chasing a good moment.
But how does this work?
Once they sense that you’re breaking free, they try to bring you back in by showering you with love and affection. The goal is to make you feel positive emotions like a dopamine rush.
This tricks your mind into thinking that the hard times are a small price to pay for the high you feel during those good times.
In this way, they make it hard for you to walk away.
8) They Threaten You
When compliments don’t work, they resort to aggression, such as threats.
According to psychotherapist and narcissistic personality expert Dr. Eleanor Greenberg, they threaten because they can’t understand someone else’s point of view when it’s different from theirs.
So when you walk away, they don’t understand that you’re doing it because you’re hurt or unhappy.
Instead, they see it as a personal attack on their self-esteem.
Their threats are their way of responding, showing that they are in control.
9) They get narcissistic rage
When it comes to threats, when you direct them at their ego by trying to leave, it triggers their narcissistic rage.
Psychologists interpret this as an explosive response that often results in a fiery tantrum.
How does it differ from a non-narcissistic person’s rage?
Narcissistic rage is about protecting their self-image and re-establishing dominance. Whether or not someone is hurt during their attack is irrelevant to them.
Non-narcissistic rage, on the other hand, is more about expressing a problem with the intent to solve it while still maintaining a dose of empathy.
In short, narcissists only display their anger to maintain power.
10) They use a vacuum cleaner
If you’re thinking of a vacuum cleaner, believe it or not, you’re right.
Experts say the term vacuum cleaner is derived from the nature of a vacuum cleaner that sucks up all the debris.
Have you noticed how it sucks all the debris towards it?
This is the same tactic that narcissists use on you the moment they sense you’re drifting away from them.
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Vacuuming is any behavior that draws you back, including the ones we’ve already mentioned above.
They may even use others to draw you back, such as calling your friends and family and convincing them to convince you to stay.
So what do you do?
Avoid the vacuum at all costs. Don’t let yourself be drawn back.
After all, that dust isn’t yours to clean up anymore.
11) They Get Rid
When it’s all over, and they finally accept that they’ve lost control of you, as harsh as it may sound, narcissists will simply get rid of you.
But if you think about it, they don’t just “let go.”
It’s almost funny.
Because instead of letting you go, they’ll make it seem like they left you in the first place.
They carefully set the stage for their abandonment because they still want complete control over how the relationship ends.
They should have the final say – always.
12) They Play the Victim
Don’t be quick to sigh with relief after they’ve dumped you.
Let me remind you:
Narcissists care about protecting their self-image.
So, even though you may no longer be under their control, they still use you to boost their ego.
And what better way to do that than by playing the victim?
They will show off their acting skills and portray themselves as the aggrieved party to protect their reputation and gain sympathy and support from your mutual connections.
13) They Launch a Smear Campaign
Narcissists are clever.
Even if they successfully play the victim, they know that doesn’t stop them from revealing their true nature.
Think about it:
Only you, as their victim, know how badly they’ve treated you.
So they want to prevent you from showing their abuse in public.
Because once that happens, people will avoid them, cutting off the narcissist’s attention.
This is what prompts them to start a smear campaign against you.
They will act quickly to destroy your reputation and credibility before you have a chance to expose them for who they are.
14) They Get Revenge
Be very careful!
Experts say it’s not uncommon for narcissists to stalk and harass those who break up with them. They believe this is a narcissist’s way of doing you “tangible harm.”
This goes beyond just launching a smear campaign. It can be as annoying as stalking or invading your privacy.
What do the experts advise?
Take as many precautions as possible and document and alert law enforcement to any threats or stalking behavior.
Tough, but it can be done.
Whether it’s platonic or romantic, maintaining a relationship with a narcissist is hard.
And we’ve just proven that breaking free can be even harder.
It’s not easy, but it’s certainly possible.
Remember, you don’t have to do this alone.
Once you’re ready to take the plunge, there’s plenty of support and resources that are just a phone call or a click away.
However, let me leave you with this:
