Despair is not often discussed, even though it is considered a serious psychological condition. Psychology Today describes despair as:

…a deep, existential despair, helplessness, helplessness, and pessimism about life and the future. Despair is a deep frustration and loss of faith in one’s ability to find meaning, fulfillment, and happiness to create a fulfilling future for oneself.

The abuser’s goal is to produce elements of despair in another person. In speaking with victims of this abuse, and experiencing it myself, I am always amazed at how difficult it is to admit that emotional abuse is intentional. Victims often make excuses for their attackers (I did!). We speak eloquently about their terrible childhoods and traumas. Perhaps because acknowledging the actual malice of abuse means confronting evil.

Evil is not a common word either. Science prefers words like antisocial behavior and psychopathic tendencies. I could write a whole blog post about how we try to avoid the evil word. Perhaps because if we acknowledge the potential for evil in others, we must confront the potential in ourselves. But the relationship between evil and despair is one that has been well explored in art and literature. It’s funny how our ideas of evil seem so similar across all species. Chains, dead trees, barren landscapes and ruined castles show us the power of destruction. Despair looks like prisoners with no hope of escape.

How does the aggressor instill despair in his victim? I need to go further than the list in the first paragraph. It read almost as a method.
The first step in creating despair in another person is isolation.

Related : If a woman uses these 12 phrases in a relationship, she has no respect for boundaries

Pin of Despair If we understand what abuse looks like, it is not so difficult to get rid of it. The abuser’s rules of play are not ambiguous. Separating a person from his family and friends means limiting the sounds he can hear. If the abuser can shut down all other relationships and become the center of the victim’s world, he or she can effectively silence any disagreement. The voice of despair echoes loudly in our minds. It takes fellowship with those who love us to sink it.

It is worth noting that in every verse of the Bible in which God tells his people not to lose hope, he also tells them that they are not alone. “Do not be dismayed, for the Lord is with you,” says Isaiah 41:10. In God’s book for mankind, creating community is crucial. Community and fellowship create fertile soil for hope.
Emotional abusers seek to destroy any sense of competence.

The purpose of constant criticism and belittlement is to convince the victim of his complete inability to escape. Indeed, despair and helplessness work hand in hand in the heart of the victim. The common belief is that not only do they have no one to run to, but they couldn’t succeed in the real world if they tried. The feeling of helplessness is the loss of the ability to even dream of escape.

What finally convinced me that I could live on my own with four daughters was another single mother. I didn’t tell her my situation, but I knew she made the same amount of money as me. I knew her ex didn’t pay much support. If she can do it, so can I. Once I returned home, the deterioration caused me to doubt myself, but every time I saw it, I was reminded that it was possible.
Pessimism is the fuel of despair.

Most abusers tend to be pessimistic. Ironically, this pessimism does not target their private lives. The opulent inner world of narcissists generally insulates them from facing the truth about themselves directly. However, pessimism is a useful tool for controlling others. The constant passivity that abusers usually display helps convince their victims that even if they escape, their lives would not be much better and perhaps much worse.

I know that I myself have simply accepted the fact that I will be alone. Ten years of deliberate indoctrination into despair led me to believe I was unlovable. With four daughters, I was also completely out of the market. Interestingly, I have come to the point of preferring loneliness to marriage. But my fear of my abuser blocked any possibility of being loved.

Frustration breeds despair.

Hannah Whittall Smith, my favorite Quaker, once said that all discouragement comes from the devil. I think she was onto something. Abusers magnify their victims’ faults and mistakes in order to discourage them. A frustrated person often becomes a negative person. A person with agency is empowered to move forward. But the power of frustration is that one begins to accept that not only is it impossible to move forward due to an ever-growing list of limitations and mistakes, but that there is nothing to move forward toward.
Loss of faith and sense of purpose is the ultimate destination of despair.

Hope, faith and love. These are the three great virtues. Interestingly, abuse seeks to instill despair, disappointment, and self-hatred. I hope I can convince both men and women who come to me for advice that the battle they are fighting is actually a battle for faith, hope, and love. It’s a conflict as vital as any war between good and evil brought to life by movies. Even more than that, because evil is focused on destroying every light that God has bestowed upon us.
This post is for those who have been caught up in abuse. No matter what your abuser says, I know these things to be true:

1: You are loved. Your mistakes do not prevent you from deep and sincere love.

2: You are not alone. Many wonderful men and women escape lives of misery to find meaningful relationships.

3: Fighting for your freedom is worth it.

4: If you live in constant despair, seek help. Your situation may be dire, but it is not hopeless. You are not helpless. Your life has great meaning and your battle against despair has eternal purpose.