Ivory is not the shortcut that society pretends to be. I’m a person who likes to be efficient with my energy, so I’m always looking for life hacks. But God, despite my preferences, has led me down the long road again and again. I’m currently reading the Bible through the eyes of John Wesley, and it’s really an exercise in taking the long road. But through my reading of Exodus 13, I finally understand why my paths in life seem so twisted.

The Hebrews prepare themselves to escape slavery. They make their preparations and sacrifices. Jehovah is leading them in a confusing direction.

And it came to pass, when Pharaoh let the people go, that God did not guide them on the way to the land of the Philistines, even though it was near. Because God said: Lest the people regret it when they see war and return to Egypt. But God led the people on the path of the Red Sea wilderness, and the children of Israel went up armed from the land. Egypt. Exodus 13:17-18

When I read this particular part, I had an epiphany. The judge, during my divorce, inexplicably gave me 50/50 custody of my ex-wife. Our divorce took two long years to be finalized, and I eventually moved back home with my children. A divorce usually takes six months or perhaps a year to complete. I struggled for a long time with the idea that God didn’t know what He was doing when it came to my custody battle.

But years later, as I came to terms with the severity of my PTSD and its attendant anxiety and nightmares as well as my tendencies toward dissociation, I began to understand.

Although going back and forth was difficult for the girls, I know now that I was not prepared for the divorce battles that were to come.

The Hebrews were not at all prepared to face the Philistines, who waited on a shorter journey to the Promised Land. They had a large and well-organized army. God could have simply won the battle for them as He did when He divided the Red Sea. But that miracle contributed to their liberation from slavery. The giants were waiting for them in the wilderness, disorganized tribes of bandits and robbers. That would be difficult enough for them to face. God knew that the Hebrews did not truly understand who they were. The little villains will be scary enough.

I didn’t know who I was either. I really sympathize with Hebrews. I experienced slavery just like them. While I was not trafficked, being married to a narcissist is emotional and mental slavery. I have lived in fear every day of my life. I served my ex with the same anxiety and degradation of spirit that I imagine the Hebrews served their captors.

For me, divorce was an escape from my family.

I understand that there are differences between being in an abusive relationship and being a slave. But there are enough similarities for me to recognize those captured by the Egyptians. I too wanted to get back to the “safety” of my marriage. It took me several attempts to leave for good. My ex seemed invincible to me. I couldn’t see any way out. I earned the money needed for the family and did all the housework. I found life physically easier as a single mother. I only worked one job and my daughters and I worked together to create a pleasant environment free of his criticism and punishment.

By the time the divorce was final, my fear of it had decreased significantly. She left the marriage with little hope of escape. He intimidated me and made me believe he was invincible. I had just gotten to a place where I was desperate enough to risk losing everything to avoid living with him. Like the Hebrews, my hope of escape was fleeting. My mood was all over the place.

Sometimes we complain (like the Hebrews) that God takes too long. Now, in retrospect, I can see how the length of the divorce had its advantage. I was a completely different person from the beginning of the divorce by the time it was finalized. Within two and a half years of intermittent court appearances, I began to view the process with less fear.

MyEx-LikeGiants went into a vein in court proceedings.

The Amalekites would hide in the cliffs and ambush unwary travelers. My ex used the ambush strategy too. He tried to present my memoirs as proof that I was unfit to be a father. My journal was full of prayers and confessions, so I’m not sure what I was going to accomplish. The divorce judge will have none of that. My ex profiled the people he bullied into testifying against me. None of their testimonies were believable.

I chose to take the high road. I focused on my relationship with my daughters. I didn’t attack him, but to be honest, it was out of a desire to do the right thing and out of fear. But the judge noted that I was not being vindictive. I did not try to destroy my ex, even though he put a lot of effort and more than one lawyer into trying to destroy me.

Sometimes we have to be like the Hebrews in Exodus 14. When they were trapped between the Egyptians and the Red Sea, Moses told them they had nothing to do but wait for the Lord to rescue them. On the day of the final ruling in court, I felt peace surrounding me. I didn’t have a great lawyer by any means. I did not present a horrific picture of my ex in court. At that time I told myself it was because I didn’t want to insult the girl’s father. I know now that I was too traumatized to face the revelation of the horror my ex had inflicted on us.

I walked into the quiet courtroom on the day the divorce was scheduled to be finalized. My daughters sat with their father and his parents at the opposite end of where I entered. The actual room is completely blurry in my mind. I knew my parents were there with me. My lawyer sat there. She moved next to him while the judge sat watching. Suddenly, my two-year-old screamed, piercing the solemn silence of the room.

mama! My mom! My mom!

She screamed my name while her grandparents tried to calm her down. They didn’t let her come to me. But the judge saw. Instead of taking the certificate, he invited my three eldest daughters to his room. They let him know their preferences very firmly. Children are not supposed to choose between their parents, but I think it was helpful for them to have a voice after two years of suffering. Indeed, the judge apologized and then ruled in my favor quickly and firmly.

The Red Sea opened and my daughters and I went on the long journey of recovery.

If you are on this long journey of recovery from abuse, I want to encourage you. Healing is not a direct journey, like the wilderness of Hebrews. It took them decades to recover from hundreds of years of slavery. But they recovered. They have already moved to their promised land.