Toxic behavior is a topic usually directed at others. So when I first embarked on this post, I was of course thinking about other people. Rarely do any of us feel toxic. But as I researched the topic, I realized I had some areas that needed improvement. The irony is that I’m reading a book called Insight, whose thesis is to show the reader that they are not as self-aware as they think they are. I. I mean, I’m not as self-aware as I like to think I am.

I’ll ignore the adults. Lying, cheating, manipulation, and abusive behavior are radioactive in terms of toxic behavior. I slowly go after people who poison our relationships, not only our relationships with others but also our relationships with ourselves.

It is very easy for us to focus on the splinters in everyone’s eyes. So, as I scrolled through the endless lists of ways people can be mean, dismissive, or unavailable to each other, I picked the ones I needed to work on. Maybe you too. I don’t know.

Common toxic behaviors

Being critical or judgmental (Toxic Behavior #1)

I often pretend that there are no people in my life who I judge harshly. But there is. Quite a number, actually. Most of these people are guilty of radiation poisoning, hence my critical thoughts on them. But all it does for me is keep me in an anger cycle. I think about the wrongs they inflict on others, and I begin to slide into the pit of explosive anger. I’ve experienced some injustice in my life, so seeing injustice persist is motivating for me.

But the truth of the matter is that bitter judgments poison my thoughts and feelings, not theirs. So, between me and my journal and Jesus, I express my anger, frustration, and sadness and then let it go. I may have to reconsider my feelings, but I don’t have to stay there. I find that confession and submission do better than anything else to put me back on the path to the light. Intolerance or repressed anger often leads to toxic behavior.

fear of failure

I have a new job. I’m now a fully employed writer, which is why you haven’t heard from me in a while. I was afraid to blog at first, but this is a whole new deal. It’s very easy to fall into the trap of over-identifying with my work. If I don’t quite hit the mark, all the self-loathing and fear of looking stupid can easily creep in. But this is what happens when we take ourselves too seriously. We inadvertently prevent the honest communication that could lead to real success by making those around us afraid to offer constructive advice.

As a teacher, I’ve made some silly mistakes. Getting facts wrong or unintentionally offending a student is part of the party. Same with writing. What I fear most is the look of incomprehension a reader gets after looking at something you’ve written. This is a failure indeed. This is inevitable. Instead of letting failure define me, I force myself to go back to the drawing board. If we define ourselves by our failures, they become who we are. We think I’m a failure, not that I failed at this task. Remember, we are much more important than our list of failures.

Resistance to change

I’m so tired of change. I’ve moved seven times in the past nine years. Just not a fan of it anymore. Change is uncomfortable and stressful. Adjusting to new cities and new weather patterns is hard on my fifty-two year old bones. But when we resist change, we shorten our relationships and opportunities. Every place I’ve lived has introduced me to valuable people and new experiences. I miss them when I leave, and that’s part of my impatience with change. Because change inevitably means sadness and loss in one way or another.

So I won’t ask you to embrace change. I’ll just suggest you try to bear it. Make better than that. Allow yourself to feel the weight of loss, but open yourself to new things. I try to remember that Jesus said, Behold, I make all things new. All the things, not just the things we want Him to change. I find that if you reframe change as moving from glory to glory, it helps. But man, I still miss some beautiful people.

Permanent participation

I generally like people. In my rush to connect with others, I rack my brain for a story that relates to the story they are currently sharing. Easy way to spend a moment with someone, right? Maybe, but it also keeps the conversation centered around me. In my desire to be available to someone, I might cut them off. Their story is not about one of mine. I’m learning to wait to share my story.

I think it’s that way. Stories are a bit like advice. Many of the stories we tell are often advice, encouragement, or sometimes invalidation disguised as friendliness. Now, I’m trying to wait until I’m invited to participate. Instead of assuming that’s my turn, I try to extend their turn. How wonderful to be asked Will you tell me more? Listening builds relationships much more than endless sharing of one’s story.

Generalized guilt (self-directed toxic behavior)

When a mother becomes a mother, guilt always rears its ugly head. To be honest, our lives as humans are full of mistakes that range from trivial to catastrophic. But here is the secret of guilt; It’s actually pride. Guilt says I could have done better. I should have done better. I will be better next time. But this is still self-reliance masquerading as humility. It paralyzes every one of us if we allow it.

The way to get rid of guilt is to practice grace for ourselves and others. I’m a mess. I was charged where I shouldn’t have been. I froze in fear when I needed to be brave. Self-indulgence, laziness, sheer stubbornness: I’m guilty of all of them. But my friend, we are loved. When we move in God’s love, we can let go of the guilt we wear as a defense against change. We become strong enough to stand up to our accusers and those we have hurt. We have become strong enough to say I am sorry. I was wrong. How can I compensate you?

Guilt separates us from those who love us. We protect ourselves from the pain of our actions by becoming our own judge, jury, and executioner. But this is a rejection of grace and forgiveness extended freely. We think we are not only poisoning ourselves with guilt, but we are also poisoning our relationships. We don’t let people love us when we keep ourselves in a corner of shame. And they want to love us. They need to love us as much as we need to love them.

The hardest lesson I’ve had to learn is that how I treat myself determines how I treat others. When I poison myself with toxic, supposedly benign behavior, I hurt my sister-in-law, the mother of my children, a follower of Christ. When I hurt myself, I hurt everyone around me. When I move toward life-giving behavior, I bring my community with me.