While it is tempting to equate all types of abuse as being broadly similar, narcissistic abuse has some characteristics outside of emotional abuse. Narcissistic abusers are emotionally abusive. I don’t dispute that. However, the goals of a narcissist differ greatly from the goals of an emotionally abusive person due to immaturity. Knowing the difference is useful. Narcissistic abuse requires a different approach to recovery, although the path to recovery from any abuse is difficult.
Emotional abuse is a matter of degree. After all, we are all abusive sometimes. We lose our temper, withhold affection, name-call, criticize, and take out our bad moods on others. But in a normal relationship, people mature. The relationship becomes more functional.
Through natural maturational processes, we learn how to use our words, become emotionally vulnerable, and maintain emotional intimacy steadily throughout our lives. Or we don’t.
But the fact remains that people guilty of emotionally abusive behavior often change.
Narcissists are a different story.
I didn’t fully understand the difference until I became aware of the fact that my ex-husband wanted me to leave my teaching job at a local university and work at a local factory. It didn’t make any sense at all, but he spent hours trying to shame me, brainwash me, and force me out of my position. Several years ago, he took the car from me on my first day at my new job as a teacher at a community college. I left this job because I am too ashamed to admit what happened and do not know how to deal with the reality of the situation. How do you tell your boss that your husband won’t give you the keys on the first day of work?
Related : 3 Narcissists in the Bible: How God Took Them Out
Knowing how to distinguish between immaturity and narcissism can be important. It can save you years of suffering. If you or someone you love is trapped in an abusive relationship, perhaps realizing your partner’s narcissistic tendencies will give you the courage to leave. Narcissistic abuse, as well as domestic violence, is always on the rise. always.
Here are some of the main differences between the two types of abuse:
The narcissist does not change. Emotional abuse is often committed by immature people, who have a mood disorder or have a serious lack of care in their lives. Depression or being on the bipolar spectrum can cause self-absorption. But with a mood disorder or trauma, change can, and often does, happen if people with abusive tendencies seek help. Narcissistic personality disorder is another animal entirely. As a psychologist friend of mine once told me, “People with narcissistic personality disorder can change if they try. However, I’ve worked with many people and have yet to see that happen. None of my colleagues have.” Research generally agrees with this assessment.
The narcissist’s goal is to consume his victim. It sounds really ugly, but it’s true. Since the narcissist cannot experience love alone, he must reap it from others. The way they do this is to separate their victims from all their loved ones and sow seeds of mistrust. They then keep the victim in a constant state of doubt and confusion. This is done intentionally to keep the victim attached to them and meet their needs on an ongoing basis.
A narcissist cannot love. Incapable of love, they enjoy inflicting pain, especially the malignant narcissist. The narcissistic abuser feels no remorse or any emotion. They will argue as much as it takes to prove their point that their victim made a terrible mistake over a minor infraction because they messed with their victim’s mind. Victory is getting their victim to apologize for a non-existent transgression. Unable to arouse many emotions themselves, they produce good and bad emotions in others to live vicariously through their victims. Look like a vampire? Vampires are a great metaphor for the narcissistic abuser. They feed off of others while trying to make it seem exciting or adventurous. The end is always destruction for the victim.
Healthy boundaries do not exist for the narcissist. I remember my mother asking me why I couldn’t discuss things with my ex. After all, she and Dad spend their lives talking things out. But any show of affection or resistance on my part meant more exploitation on his part. I can’t believe to this day how far I was willing to go to appease him. I spoke in a monotone for years because he accused me of being dramatic. The typical abuser will resent and push any healthy boundaries. The narcissistic abuser will begin a relentless campaign until all that remains is a healthy boundary of guilt on the part of the victim for having “wronged” the abuser.
The narcissist looks for strong, intelligent victims. If mere control is the goal, the narcissistic abuser will look for easier prey. The stronger personality will win, as often happens, and that will be the end of it. But narcissistic abusers, because of their need to look good in front of others, and because they gain excitement from conflict, seek out victims that one would not normally associate with being a victim. In a way, it increases their sense of consequences. They want to conquer someone challenging and not just comfortable. This works to their advantage. People looked at my competent exterior and didn’t believe the stories I tried to tell them. I didn’t look like what a victim was supposed to look like. So how can I be one?
Related : How to Avoid Raising Narcissistic Kids
In the end, the only real difference between a person with narcissistic personality disorder and a sociopath is how far they are willing to go. A sociopath is likely to commit crimes to get what they want. Sociopaths are willing to have narcissists sacrifice their reputations to get what they want. The narcissist exists to look good to the outside world. The narcissist rarely commits actual crimes because he does not want to face the consequences.
When I faced the reality of my situation, I had to acknowledge the hopelessness of it. I felt like a failure. Years of re-learning how to tell the truth to myself give me the ability to tell the truth of my story to others, in hopes that they will understand how to successfully emerge from similar situations in a relationship with a narcissist earlier than I did. Perhaps the best description of the narcissist comes from 2 Timothy 3:1-9.
For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, arrogant, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unreconciled, slanderous, dishonest, fierce, disobedient to good people, traitors, fanatics, profiteers, lovers of pleasure more than Loving God. They have a form of piety but deny its power: stay away from such. For from this are those who enter into homes and carry captive forgetful women laden with sins, led away by various lusts, who learn at all times and are never able to come to the knowledge of the truth. Just as Jannes and Jambres resisted Moses, so these also resist the truth: people who are corrupt in their minds and rejected in the faith.
